Leap year

Whats up world??
Yup! Still here... Barely.

There is a sense of changes in the air...
Heavy and thick.... just like my thoughts of you,, me, life, hope, changes.... and pretty much everything in between.

Its a breathe of new hope.
Have i mention it's 2012??

Alot's been said, projected and predicted for this year... But i wil not discuss anything that's not at all related or significant to me.

Call it selfish or ego centric of me! But hey! I have the right to... and my own reason why. Heck! I dont need to explain myself...

Leap year.

Yes, it is 2012... It's what struck me lately. Every turning or the earth takes us fourtly round towards leap year.

First sign of a leap year gou can tell that february's gonna lasts for 29 days thus rounds up a year to 366...

So, what's so special about this leap year?

Well, me personally... This year alone, leap or not holds a very big plans and bope for me.
Even if it's worst case scenario about the so-called end of the world?? I care only towards making changes in my life.

Puting my life in the right path...
Path.

Yes, lately i've been M.I.A out if this 'blogging universe',
I guess simple abd honest reason is because i'm trying to find myself. Real self.
Yes, both in litteral and hypothetically speaking.

Mistakes and wrong turn was amongst the things i dealt.

But i'm fine, to say the least...

Leap year.
Yes, leap...

I dont know if you familiar with the titled movie of Leap Year??

Well... I've done my research. And it is true that there is a tradition of leap year! The movie said that it was Scottish tradition.... Frankly i didnt care about the origin, just the idea of it...

Anyhoo... Tradition said that in leap year, woman can do an act of love, such proposing to the man she love.

Well? Awesome tradition huh???!???

It's amazing!
I just thought that it's an awesomely amazing way to say independence for women!..... waaaaay before the era of Destiny's child Charlie's angels song! #justsaying

Sooo, here's an idea girls?
Go ahead and ask youserlf this: would you??? Would you do that?

Do you think it's amazing? Romantic, perhaps?? .... or just plain stupid???

Anyway you wanna see it, either way you'll decide, allow me to give you a 'perpective'...
*cough cough*

we girls are raise with knowledge about boys, right? Romantically, as we evolve... We begin to understand, arent we?
Men are the ones making the first move.
If the like you, he'll call.
Perhaps, he will ask you out!
But.... Then, what?
Things didnt go as they say in theory, arent they??

You guess, conclude each and every little signs! Just like that movie 'he's just not that into you'-ginny??
I've been there.....

Love? What about it? I guess it'll take another session to talk about this subject, or have i talked about this before???
Nevermind!

So, leap year 'suggested' that YOU! yes you the one to make the first move!
Stupid, isnt it?

Hold on for another perspective!
If you sure and it feels like 'love'.... go on then! But make sure he feels the same!
Is he worthed?
Does he make your geart skip a beat?
Does he makes you laugh even with his awful jokes and remarks?
Does he hold your hand?
Cant think of anyone else but him??

Just make sure that it's not crazy and random love!
Falling in love is great...
Just be sure that he too falling IN love WITH you.

Proposing is a bit much?
Well, maybe just a declaration of love, caring and affection is enough.

For those who thinks it's stupid and hopeless and.... well 'against' the rule of nature, hey! I think that too..

In both odd ways, i'm a sarcastic and sceptical person too, you know!
But taking charge and telling someone you care about is DEFINITELY NOT an act of weakness...

It shows that we're human, after all!

Thought maybe .... with us, it's different. We're not love like the humans.
With us it's forever - Henri (I am number four)

Either way, it's this year... Leap Year.

I'm still at the stage of figuring out if he's worth my love...


For the restless hearts, loving is comforting, but most of all.... being true to yourself comforts the most hearts... ;)

nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

In the end...it's not the end

In the end...it's not the end. 

I'll take a very big sighs of relieve.... It's almost at the end of yet another year of my life. 
Looking back, seperti ingin refleksi diri... 
Apa apa aja sih pencapaian saya tahun ini? Banyak. Dan tidak juga...

Gimana dengan perubahan kamu? Not much...what it seems, more like what has changed me... Revealed me. 

But then again I always believe people don't change... They, we, I am merely revealed...

2011.
 Tahun ini tahun kelinci, rite? 
Kalo  mau disambung sambungin sih bisa ajaa...
 Kelinci... Big ears, cute and cuddly face, those fluffy hair and hilarious attitude... 
They don't make much noise, much like me towards the end of this year.... 
I chose silence and solitude. Merely to understand myself better... #tsaahh

Apa lagiiii? 
Kelinci  suka melompat?? 
Leap.
 I took a very big leap too at the start of this year. Got my first ever job. None like what I imagine nor expected... But I'm glad. In many ways, it gives me much to learn....to know and ultimately find myself. 
The real me.....sort of! I'm still eagerly learning. 
Now, that I think back.....

No regrets. They don't worth.....-Robbie William...

Those decisions made me what I am. Mistakes are the greatest lesson and mentor in life, not experience. Experiences you can gained, but experience and making mistakes while at it?? Those things will surely reveal you... I am my own best teacher!

So I took the leap. I took the first opportunity came. 
Why? Maybe I'm scare of the uncertainty lies ahead... 
Maybe it's true. 
Regrets? None. 
But honestly?? Yes, there were soooo much regrets and desperation at one point. 
But now....
I can truly say: IKHLAS.... 

Ini jalan yang saya pilih! 
Mengeluh  bukan pilihan!!!

What else?? Kelinci... Saya punya, beli 2 tahun ini juga. 
Now!?? Died. 
Both. 
Nope! Don't wanna talk about it. 

Gak ada lagi deeh relevansi klo mau disambung2in! x__x

*Big sighs*...

 Tahun ini juga tahun mental breakdown saya... In ways of the most ugly version you can imagine.. But I'm perfectly fine talking about it. 

It's like....when you're so low, hit rock bottom at the very low version of you... What you gonna do? Where would you go? .......

the only way is down, I can see that now - Mika. 

Ada ironi yang indah dalam hal yang selalu digemborkan orang dalam the-so-called-journey-of-finding-yourself... #tsaahh

I gone through that road of mine. Many many times now. I've battle against myself in all stages of my life, struggling to stay sane...
 Then again, what is sane? 
If Freud and Einstein do a debate about it?
 What would they say? 
Whose opinion win?
 Lets throw in Mother Theresa too! Or Mahatma Gandhi? 
Walt Disney? 
Martin Luther King? 
Kurt Cobain? 
Marilyn Monroe? 
Or hell...... Let's ask the big 'O'??? Oprah....

Hahaaa... Get the joke??

Ask me? Ask anybody! We, they, I have my own point of view of how is normal 'normal' and how sane is 'sane'....

I've also gained one particular ....fact, shall we say? fact about me and my condition whereabouts. In ways it scares me of finding out, but ironically I feel more of a relieve and sense of gladness about it.... Either way, Jessie J said that it's OK not to be OK. 

Jadi saya terima. 
Saya sudah berdamai dengan ini, itu, dia, mereka. 
Tapi yang terpenting, saya berdamai dengan diri saya sendiri....

Sounds like a bunch of bulls**t??

Maybe... But I'll say it anyway.

Soooo what's left at the end of this 2011?
Any hopes? Yes... Faith must be kept. 
Regrets? Yes...but I've made peace with it. 
Anything you haven't achieve yet?? Plenty of it!!!.... Always keeping my hopes up... Anxiously waiting in silence...while making all the effort I can do!

When one door closes, another one open. Perhaps not soon enough. But be sure it'll come. Maybe a window first...

Banyak spekulasi, harapan, cita-cita, Impian, keinginan, dan segalanya untuk yang akan datang.... 
Yang didepan. 

It's a mystery ...

Buat saya, lembaran baru sajalah!
Tidak menghapus halaman yang ini, hanya menulis pengalaman dan 'penemuan' jati diri yang baru...

Akhirnya?
 Bukan akhir ini milik kita, saya, kamu. Tapi awal. 

The end where I begin....- The Script. 

Selamat membuka lembaran itu. 
Kamu. 
Saya. 
Kita. 
Kami. 
Mereka. 

Berganti, tanpa melupakan...
Mengubah, tanpa membenahi....
Sama, tapi berbeda...

Saya menambah ilmu, pengalaman. usia. 

Mariiii....

Dampingi saya?
nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

Being a public enemy....

Ok! Sebelum apa2, jika anda tidak suka apa yang akan saya sampaikan..... Simply look away!
I'll be all fucking blown up in anger like you never seen if this, now what I'm about to write will be count as "office" or "work" related!!!!!

What ever happen dengan kebebasan mengeluarkan pendapat di muka publik? Penghargaan privasi seseorang? Dan pembeda antara fungsi seseorang sebagai pribadi sosial Dan pribadi individu atau personal????!!!!

I have a life, hell to the o!!!! In case you didn't notice...

Mengecewakan dimana satu2nya atau outlet atau channel yang kamu kira aman untuk nyampah, or just simply say what's in your mind without any prejudice now is also not safe...

For me? It's a violation of my privacy and personal life.
Things that I would like to keep it to myself. As my own... Just because of one individual's perception of me.....I have to spill!!!

It's truly a mad world...

Is there no more decency??

What ever happen to being a gentlemen and say something upfront???

Gone, I guess... Down in flame...

I probably defending myself... But isn't a reflection should be done both ways??

Im a person of strong value and principle that I'm very much proud of.
I can change... If you worthy to enough for it!

At the moment though.... You're not.
I think I'll keep being me.
You never know me at all...
....and please, don't bother now.


*footnote: tidak saya dedikasikan rangkaian kata2 ini kepada pihak manapun!
I need no approval for being myself and speak my mind.
Hanya untaian kata yang saya ingin "kirim" keluar....dead air.
nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

Diantara yang tersampaikan dan tidak....

Sebelumnya, allow me to warn whoever gonna read this, it's not for the faint hearted.
Ada yang pernah nonton film Repo Men? Dimainkan sangat apik oleh Forest Whitaker Dan yaa, Jude Law. Ceritanya sih sungguh sangat sci fi and in a way maybe gak terlalu make sense. Tapi buat saya, I see beyond that!
Surpass all the action and ideas of a sci fi movie....

Apa kamu juga menangkapnya?

Ada satu line yang sangat saya sukai terlontar dari tokoh yang dimainkan Jude Law, maaf saya lupa namanya, but this is what he said:

" A job, is never just a job. It's who you are. And if you wanna change who you are, you gotta change what you do...."

Well? Pretty awesome, huh!??
Alasan mengapa saya mengangkat film ini, atau tepatnya salah satu line yang may I say sangat cerdas dan menohok ini!?? At least buat saya...

Saya ceritakan kronologis yang tersampaikan...
Beberapa hari yang lalu, saya dan beberapa teman kantor makan siang, entah awalnya topik after lunch conversation kami apa.... Seorang teman menyinggung film ini. Bukan segi yang saya sampaikan sebelumnya, tapi cerita sci fi nya itu.

Lalu, ditengah2 serunya perbincangan, saya jadi teringat kalimat itu.
Uda.
As simple as that.

Teman saya yg menyinggung film itu ternyata sama sekali tidak menyinggung soal kalimat itu. Entah saya yg kurang kerjaan sampe2 mengingat semua line film itu atau memang teman saya itu yang tidak menangkapnya...
Saya simpan pikiran saya.

Tidak tersampaikan....

Korelasi dari sebuah simple quote in a movie dan kondisi emosional yang sungguh sangat labil ternyata sangat significant.

Sering saya memikirkan itu, ini, banyak hal terlintas. Human mind truly is the greatest asset one can have...

Banyak hal, kejadian yang terjadi mungkin terlihat sangat tidak berhubungan atau dalam rentang waktu yang relatif gak nyambung....
Saat pikiran saya labil, bisa nyambung juga!
Dan ujung2nya overload!

Tumpah...
Stress...
Obsessed...
Depressed....
Bahasa kerennya, galau!

Ada jumpa, Ada perpisahan...
Dan orang2 yang datang Dan pergi itu, selalu saya beranggapan betapa beruntungnya mereka! Betapa Hebatnya!
Betapa pandainya....
They have the luxury and opportunity to change who they are...

Mari kita refleksi...

Apa yang kamu cari????
Mungkin ini lebih ke self talk therapy buat saya... I'm a mess! Train wreck would be an understatement to me...

Banyak hal terjadi, terucap dan tersampaikan....

Tapi buat saya, lebih banyak kebalikannya!
Ingin sekali saya mencari saluran untuk semua emosi ini!
It's all in my head!
Dan saya sangat menyadari betapa tidak mungkin memaksakan orang lain, siapa saja untuk memahami state of mind saya....
Karena saya sendiri masih mencari tahu, but on top of that.... Saya tHu benar kalo itu pointless.
Karena ini punya saya, jalan keluar juga di saya.
Itulah mengapa saya mungkin punya lebih dari hanya kecenderungan untuk meng alienasi diri Dari orang.

Just shut myself down....

Mungkin ini salah, tidak sehat dan pasti anda tahu the worst case scenarionya....
I hope.
state of mind ini mungkin timbunan pikiran2 yang tak tersampaikan, tak terjadi, pikiran, harapan, ekspektasi, keinginan, emosi dan segala hal inbetween yang bagi orang lain sepele, bagi saya berpele-pele!!!
Dan eating myself from inside....

I'm damaged.
Broken.
Can't be fixed.

Dan saya tak Ingin spotlight dan perhatian itu.
Tidak Ingin orang lain merasa iba dan kasihan, pity.... Even if it's a sign of caring and loving.

I prefer to keep it to myself.
Saya tahu batas saya, apapun 'batas' itu ingin anda artikan...

Selalu seperti ini...

Berpaling pada higher power mungkin lebih baik, saya bercinta denganNya saja. Si pemberi saya problem ini, yang bisa saya beritahu tanpa menyampaikan.
Kami tidak dekat.

Ada love and hate relationship didalamnya. Lebih sering saya meresa marah, kecewa, protes dan sejenisnya kepada Dia.

Dan saya kesal!!!!
Dia hanya Diam!

Saya curahkan, tanpa kata, hanya ucap2an Dan air mata... Dan yang saya dapat hanya dead air...

Hening Dan sunyi...

Saya dimanja.
Saya berontak!
Saya tidak disayang..
Saya menyerah....
Saat itu betapa Ingin saya langsung bertemuNya! Akan saya sampaikan langsung saja pikir saya, semua ini!
Segalanya!
Yang tersampaikan Dan tidak....

Tapi dia tidak bisa.
Dia tidak begitu sayangnya sampai ingin bertemu.

Ada ironi Dan dilemma yang indah Dari semua ini.

Pada satu poin, saya terdefinisi oleh cintaNya, namun di mata saya, dunia fana ini, apa yang saya lakukanlah yang lebih penting.

Mengatur, mengendalikan, menjalankan semua! Dan tidak semua....

Aren't we our own god???

Saya tidak Ingin menjadi saya yang sekarang. Ingin saya ubah yang saya lakukan, untuk mengubah diri saya, in ways as you would assume...

Terlalu telat mungkin kalo saya bilang ini adalah pencarian jati diri, aktualisasi diri bla bla bla....
I'm too old for this shit!

Ini hanya saya, menjadi saya yang tak sempurna, tidak Ingin sempurna Dan tidak mungkin sempurna...

Menjadi saya tidak mudah, namun ingin saya obral diri saya untuk menjadi versi saya yang lain! Saya tidak mau menjadi dirimu... Saya tidak bisa.
Saya tidak se normal kamu.

Keindahan Dan semua kekacauan ini milik saya.
A beautiful mess....
All mine, my own.

So help me help you....
I will never change, don't bother wasting your time.
I change when I feel like it.
I know what I'm capable of.

But you can fixed me...
Stop trying.



nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

Hello God, are you there?

It's been.... I honestly don't know how long since my last blog post. No specific reason, of course, you know....reasons like my computer broke, I can't get an Internet connection or other technical stuff that really contribute towards the essential 'why' I never posted any blog.

In my defense, I've actually really had nothing to say... When ironically on the other hand, I've soooo much to share! Everything! Nothing comes out though.
Dammit! Maybe I'm not a well gifted writer, that easily put words into words, describing things in the most oh so sophisticated words and phrases, none the less writers that have the ability of creating a single universes all in his/her wonderful minds.

This brings me to the idea of having the opportunity to be able to travel in a small crew.
So, what was I saying??

Damn! Not not maybe. It's something I don't really feel that I have those ability, shall we call it that instead of gift.
Writing is something so new to me, odd, sometime fun... other time its a constant struggle just to be able to find a single best suitable word! I'm not even good at writing in my native Indonesia language! Dammit!!!

I'm talking (writing) nonsense, huh!??
I blame the inner Aquarius personality in me.

Yes, people... I have been studying and finding out about me. My own self and the journey of so called pursuit of personality in search of a true happiness...
Assessing yourself is one way to do so. On my case, I don't share, I prefer not to talk about it, my problems, how I feel, what I feel... I don't bother sharing it.
Even when people ask and push me to talk about it and spill.. I stand my ground.
Some thinks I just shut down myself, some thinks I'm proud or too proud to talk, other thinks I'm not a good friend, since I don't want to share...

Here's what I thought,
in my defense, I don't want to bother someone, the person that is insignificant in my life to share that I think, my problems, my life! The bad and shitty part of it! Is that so arrogant? If it is then i'll take the blame!

It's just hard to talk and share what other demand out of me when most of the time I myself still trying to figure what's actually wrong (with me)??

Have you ever cry so hard you're getting hard to breathe for NO reason at all?? You just burst in to tears all of the sudden...

Or have you had this rush of grudge and hatred and anger that you just want to scream your lungs out!???

Perhaps you do stupid things cause you though it'll make you feel better??

Sometimes having a massive headache and constant feeling in your guts of emotions??
Why is that?
Why is these things happening?
I'm sure can't explain it to myself...and I don't expect any explanation from someone else.

Perhaps it's very wrong in a lot of ways. I'm sure psycholog and mental health doctors would reccomend you go 'talk' about it.
Problem is: I don't wanna talk.....
It's my own inner conflicts. Issues. Problems. Heaven. and hell of my own. I'll figure it out. Myself.

So next time you ask 'what's wrong?'and I just stood there wanting so badly trying to talk and share it with you then nothing happen???
It's because I cant put it in words...

Maybe talking about it and share it would make it easier, lighter for me? The way I see it? It doesn't....

There's beauty in an ironic ways of how I have everything and nothing to say at the same time...


nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

lagi METAL...

oke..... berhubung lagi METAL a.k.a mellow total! *pinjem hashtag salah satu station radio Surabaya* ditambah suasana kantor yang eh sangat  mendukung karena bos-bos pada kagak ada! (yipiii!!!) dan juga dapet paket internetan gratis UNLIMITED seminggu ini, soooooo.......

Here We Go!
saya gak kepengen ngomong banyak sih, cuma memang sepertinya saya sedang sungguh sangat labil. emotionally speaking... mood swing berubah2, keinginan dan kelakuan juga.
sering sekali akhir2 ini saya mengubah pikiran saya tentang segala hal yang mulai dari kecil hingga besar, saya ubah dengan a single snap! just like that.....

linglung...itu kata ibu saya.
kamu kenapa sih Wi??, tanya teman2 saya....

seriously, saya hanya bisa berkata: NOTHING. nothing is wrong. hanya fase. fase yang ingin saya lewati. sendiri saya... well... ditemani beberapa lagu yang encouraging sekali...

I stare at my reflection in the mirror:
"Why am I doing this to myself?"
Losing my mind on a tiny error,
I nearly left the real me on the shelf.
No, no, no, no, no...

Don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars!
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It's okay not to be okay.
Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart.
Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,
Just be true to who you are!

Brushing my hair, do I look perfect?
I forgot what to do to fit the mold, yeah!
The more I try the less it's working, yeah
'Cause everything inside me screams
No, no, no, no, no...

Don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars!
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It's okay not to be okay.
Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart.
But tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,
There's nothing wrong with who you are!

Yes, no's, egos, fake shows, like WHOA!
Just go, and leave me alone!
Real talk, real life, good love, goodnight,
With a smile, that's my home!
That's my home, no...

No, no, no, no, no...
Don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars!
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It's okay not to be okay...
Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart.
Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,
Just be true to who you are!
Yeah yeah yeah

thank you mbak Jessie J!!!
nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

The concept of future...

Ok. Waktu kita masih kecil, entah dengan kalian bagaimana.... Tapi saya pernah dan mungkin cukup sering ditanya: "cita-citanya apa??" atau "kalau besar mau jadi apa?"...
Do you get asked that questions too?
Trus pertanyaan saya, kalian jawab apa?

Saat pertanyaan-pertanyaan seperti itu terlontar kepada saya yang masih oh-so-innocent dan masih muda, belia.... Alangkah mudahnya kita menjawab dengan mengutarakan berbagai profesi yang kita inginkan. Kita kagumi.
With soo little knowledge what so ever of what exactly that profesion does, we just dying to be one!
Now that I think of it, it's pretty funny yet somewhat make sense.
Duluu, saya ingin sekali jadi presiden, dokter, pramugari, insinyur..... *raise your hands if you have been there too*
Indah yaa? Harapan Dan cita2 seorang anak kecil polos yang tabu sebegitu dikitnya akan dunia Dan the whole concept of the future itself.

As we grow older, Saat pertanyaan seperti itu terlontar lagi kepada kita, they expect us to already know the answer...and not just a dumb random answer as we gave before.
How would you reply???
Saya berani bertaruh jawaban2 anda pasti sedikit banyak dipengaruhi "jalan" jalur pendidikan yang saat itu kita tempuh, betul tidak??
That's when reality catches you up... Dammit! The concept of the future is no longer a concept after all!

Boleh tidak saya jawab: "saya tidak tahu". Biar saya selesaikan dulu sekolah saya, then I'll get back on you..... 

Fast forward to the exact turning point of your life where the so-called concept of the future is finally here. Say you're graduating, does your future job will be your "cita-cita"??
Or you looking for a job, that's not just a "job", but a carrier, since you want to fulfill that "cita-cita"???

Berapa banyak dari kalian that actually, eventually be what you wanna be when asked that infamous question??
Not to be skeptical, but unless you're the president, chances are you ought to settle to that bitter concept of reality, where not quite exactly what you want to do with your life, but you do it anyway.....

I like what bella's friend in the Twilight movies saga said about this concept, during her valedictorian speech.... It's pretty much sums up my answer when people ask me "that" question..... She said: "who the hell knows!??"

Cool huh?
So the concept of the future itself is not ours to decide...but to keep figure out! Make mistakes, take the wrong choices and made all the wrong decision will ultimately tells us at least, vaguely about our own future to take.
It's not written yet, but you should start doodling around for it! 

What was I going to share? Oo yeah.... The bitter sweet turn out of the future...hey, at least for me!
Things don't work out the way I want it, breakdown? Losing hope? Frustrated? Feeling worthless? Hell to the YEAH....
But when you at the bottom it's kinda easier to bounce back, redeem yourself and back with a vengeance 

Yang penting harus ikhlas, sabar, legowo Dan terus berusaha....mumpung masih muda! 



nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

What's up world?

Sooo, what are you guys been up to??
I've been doing lots and lots of thinking about.... Well nearly everything!
So here's what I found!

Life's sucks!! Big time!
You don't get what you wish for, you got something better, sometime. but most of the time it's just plain sucks....

What's in it for me?
Valuable life lessons...
Learning.
Growing.
Changing.

For the better? I hope not!
I'll take me the way I am all the time.
I don't think I want to change anything in my life. Thank you.


nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

…and I’m still here!

I realize that once you get older, wiser…you will (and must) have developed the sense of assessing yourself. Whether it’s about the so-called outside stuff, or should I say the exterior? 

Like you know what looks good on you and what’s not. In terms of clothing perhaps, shoes, bags….well, what can I say? I’m a girl… 

or your weight. Sensitive topic. Let’s move on, shall we?

and then, in my theory… there’s also the interior part of assessing yourself. 

Now, for me it kinda indicate your level of maturity, isn’t it? Well, it’s rhetoric anyway… 

so, have you been able to assess yourself? I prefer the word assess since it feels more suitable for me…I hate the idea of judging yourself! It’s like giving score…..when in fact, life is not game. Or, is it?? 

What are you? 

What makes you, YOU? 

What’s unique about you?

How would you describe yourself?

Me? I’d rather be someone else for a change, sometimes…. 

Living on the other side…sounds good to me, more than good in fact! 

But again and again I figure that I better off as myself…. I’ll take all the good…and bad. 

Especially the bad part… so, when do I have this so-called ‘revelation’ of wanting and actually fine with just being myself? I have absolutely no idea! Like I said, it comes and goes…. 

It still is.

Sometimes I want to be a different version of myself. Is that including as wanting to be someone else? 

I think there’s just soooo much idealism, theory etc etc about the so-called finding yourself, be who you are…. Who you wanna be! And blah blah blah… 

and what’s that suppose to mean for us, me, mere mortal in my path of finding myself??? 

Is it supposed to encourage us?  for me though? It’s not encouraging. It’s confusing!.... #damn

I know there several things about me I wish to change. Its bad things. I know. I have been told. 

But, will that makes less of what I am? Or simply makes a better version of me? Kill me now! Hahahahaa… seems I’ve said that a lot lately. 

Do I mean it literally? Or simply hypothetically speaking……you never know!

It’s frustrating to be me. It’s like I’m always struggling, even with myself. 

Do you ever feel the same? I just simply ask this to dead air in space…..

Sometimes I laugh, when inside I’m in pain. Cry.

Sometimes I’m angry, furious and just mad all the time…

Sometimes I like to be in the crowd, connecting with people, others.  Other time I tend to alienate myself and just shut down. Untouchable.

Sometimes I like to make them happy, I’m a people-pleaser…. But I need time for myself…

Suppress emotions kinda taking over me from time to time. Have you ever had that moment of ‘mental breakdown’?  I have……several in fact. It was not pretty. But I got a hold of it, and I stand strong, now to finally say I can see myself clearly….

Have you notice that after the tears wash away, your eyes can finally see at its most clear view???? 

In hypothetical speaking of course…but it works for me. 

So, I cry…. It show that you’re strong, instead of weakness. 

I cry from time to time, sometime for no reason at all…it just this relieve feeling that you able to cry. That’s it.

nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

Lebaran! Takbiran dan layar tancap...

 takbiran....euy! takbiran..... akhirnyaaa ya Allah..... kami (saya dan semua yang merasakan keresahan gara2 menanti kepastian jatuhnya 1 syawal) bisa bernapas lega dan merayakan malam takbiran menuju esok datangnya: HARI KEMENANGAN..... alias IDUL FITRI... yey!
lega, senang bahagia...  it always feels like a special day for me. like somehow, the little girl inside me burst out in a sigh of relieve.... hahaha!

eniwei.... saya kan lagi berlokasi di kota wisata Batu for this Lebaran... malam takbiran di batu? well, ramai, as in any other small town, sangat2 meriah, sambil dengan banyak dimeriahkan oleh atraksi kembang api yang oh no amaziiing....#gazing nih saya lagi ngadem duduk2 di depan teras rumah sambil asyik ngelihat hebohnya langit malam yang berhiaskan indahnya kembang api.... (agak2 romantis lho!) #plakk (nyamuk koq...)
Truss? koq gak ikut takbiran??? nope! thank you! tadi siang aja pas saya kluar ngajak jalan2 sepupu, oops! lupa cerita...kami sudah kedatangan keluarga om dan tante yang kebetulan singgah sebentar ke rumah kami dalam perjalanan ke kampung mudik mereka. Daaaan, maceet gilakkk! #jambakrambut

Ok, ingat kemaren2 saya cerita kalo Batu bisa macet, yup! saya terjebak deh! akibat salah perhitungan, saya kembali dari jalan2 keliling kota Batu sama sepupu2 lewat depan komplek rumah, dan (have I mention komplek rumah saya SEBELAH PERSIS sama Jatim Park 2, Museum Satwa) alhasil saya kena macet! yaaah, emang hiburan di Batu emang berpusat di sekitar rumah saya siih.... Thus ceritanya kenapa saya gak ikutan konvoi turun takbiran.... MACET BO!!!!!!! yang penting esensinya ya tho??? #ngeles

Trus, truss... hari ini rumah kami udah ramai... karena kedatangan juga tante2 (2 orang), om sama sepupu saya yang paling muda: Dimas..... nih saya tunjukkin potonya si ganteng:

trusss.... emang dia tuh bintang deh! "gak ada loe, gak rame" beneran!!! *pinjem slogan*
sooo, hari2 kami di Batu makin asyik dan berwarna... senang memang kumpul sama keluarga... karena saya tipikal 'family man'.... hypothetically speaking... maka saya selalu mencherish kebersamaan dengan keluarga yang oh so precious ini....

Malam takbiran ini, saya habiskan di rumah saya, sambil asik godain si dedek sama 2 obsesi baru saya.. oooops! lupa lagi kan ceritaa... #tepokjidat
Saya punya obsesi baru lhooo, karena dari kmaren kagak ada kerjaan, saya dan kakak akhornya nekat beli kelinci dan memelihara mereka dalam rentang seminggu saja kami berlibur di batu ini... urusan nanti kembali ke kota dan rutinitas kegilaan kerja...aaah! ntar aja dipikirnya! :p

kami beli sepasang, kami beri nama Bugs and Lola.... *maaf, foto menyusul yaah? :D
sekarang? kami sekeluarga lagi asik mau nonton 'layar tancap' courtesy of oom saya yang oh so creative...takbiran? jalan teruss, kan yang penting esensinya... alhamdulilallah yaa masih bisa kumpul bareng2 menghangatkan badan bersama2 keluarga kumpul, tertawa, santai, bersendau gurau.... #sighs
and this is? PRICELESS.....

akhir kata nih ye? uda malam takbiran, esoknya? makanya eyke mo ngucapin juga:

Selamat Hari Raya Idul Fitri

1 Syawal 1432 H

Minal Aidzin Wal Faidzin

Maafin saya lahir bathin yaaaa???

nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

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......and mine's coming, fast!

nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

hati yang merah....

And I'm alright
Standing in the streetlights here
Is this meant for me
My time on the outside is over
We don't know how you're spending
all of your days
Knowing that love isn't here
You see the pictures
But you don't know their names
Cause love isn't here

And I can't do this by myself
All of these problems, they're all in your head
And I can't be somebody else
You took something perfect
And painted it red

No sympathy
When shouting out is all you know
Behind your lies
I can see the secrets you don't show
We don't know how you're spending
All of your days
Knowing that love isn't here
You see the pictures
But you don't know their names
Cause love isn't here

And I can't do this by myself
All of these problems, they're all in your head
And I can't be somebody else
You took something perfect
And painted it red
When - you took something perfect
And painted it red

You take the best things from
Then everything gets empty
That's not a world that I need
Oooh, you take the best things from me
Then everything gets empty
That's not a world that I need
Oohhhh


And I can't do this by myself
All of these problems, they're all in your head

And I can't be somebody else
You took something perfect
And painted it "red"

When - you took something perfect
And painted it red

You took something perfect
And painted it red

red by Daniel Merriweather

*dedicated to you...if you ever feel the same!

jerawat dan filosofinya...

ok. jerawat.

Apaan sih hakikatnya jerawat? kalo buat saya sih AGAK menyebalkan..... dan 'teman' kecil yang datang tak dijemput, ilang tak di apa2kan *halaah, koq jadi pinjem taglinenya Mr.Jae* sepertinya koq ya setia sekali menemani saya selalu. Bahkan beranjak usia yang, kata kakak saya nih uda "early adolescene", dan dimana notabenenya tuh 'temen' ini harusnya pamit dari muka kulit saya..... yeah! keep on dreaming! karena ternyata doi masih suka ajah tuh nyaplok di muka.

Makin lama sih makin kebiasaan saya.Tidak juga serutin dulu nih temen dateng. Dulu, memasuki masa pubertas, wuuuuuiiiih! bisa2 panen jerawat tuh saya! kala ibu sih genetik, karena sebagian besar wanita dikeluarga juga gitu (baca:jerawatan).
Kalo sekarang sih saya liat positipnya aja (walo agak maksa dan gak rela siih) kulit saya memang tergolong berminyak, soooo gampang banget bakteri penyebab jerawat menyarangkan kotoran2 dan timbullah tuh namanya: JERAWAT! *iiidiiiiih, bahasa saya uda mirip iklan pembersih muka ye?*

Banyak jalan ke Roma.
Demikin pula banyak berbagai macam cara perawatan anti jerawat....*analoginya kena gak sih????*bodo ah* :p
But, like me......I NEVER learn.... hahahahaaa #sarcasm
Jerawat tuh gak bileh dipencet! Ntar bekas.... Lha,pikir saya kalo ndak dipencet, gak kluar dong tuh bakteri, gak sembuh dong? masak nunggu kempesnyaa???? Lamaaa..... trust me, it works! *halaah
Tapi saya teteup bandel.... abis dikasi obat (yah, sebandel2nya saya, saya juga masih sayang ma kulit kaleee), tuh jerawat mule kering2 dan berbentuk 'nasi' *maaf visualisasinya* katanya sih tanda2 kalo tuh jerawat dah mateng, yaaah saya pencet deh! ..... :)
*PUASSSSS

abis itu? mbekas? yaaaaaiyaaaalaaaah....... uda saya buktikan! hahaha... abis saya suka gatel ma 'gundukan' efek yang ditimbulkan oleh kedatangan tuh jerawat! yaaa, saya logikain aja sih, kalo mau keluar kan harus KELUAR which means, there's no other way but dipencet ajah! *dengan cara kekerasan, Bah!*
Abis puasss, ada juga perasaan nyesel sih, mikir: "duh, bekasnya..." tapi tenang sodara-sodara! kan banyak tuh krim-krim pemutih penghilang bekas jerawat dijual di pasaran???? ada yang dengan bahan aktif inilah, itulah, dengan partikel mineral apalah, begonolah.... banyak pilihan sih.
Itu yang menjadi pilihan saya....*kalo gak cocok, abaikan pesan ini! ini bukan TIPS atasi jerawat koq* :D

BTW, itu kali yah yang lagi crosssing my mind saat ini saat ngaca dan mengamati keindahan wajah saya... *plak #PDabis
kalo dibilang mulus, bersih, GAK BANGET!
Tapi saya selalu lebih memilih merawat wajah sendiri, sambil belajar tips-tips kecantikan, kadang2 sih juga mpe overwhelming saking banyaknya tips yang dibaca....

Kenapa gak leave it to expert aja??
Simply because, saya tak ada biayaa..... hiks! T___T

so far sih saya baek2 aja koq! ada up and down untuk kondisi 'kemulusan' wajah saya. Menjelang tamu bulanan, wuuiiih! panen. Kalo enggak, ya (sekarang) juga uda enggak tuh!

Masih seputar jerawat dan tetek bengeknya. Alasan sebenarnya kenapa saya nekat ambil laptop dan menari-narikan jari menulis ini juga gara-gara saya abis kedatangan teman ini. Satu aja, nangkring dengan enaknya di muka! DAMN! abis itu, seorang ......apa yah? teman juga gak akrab2 banget, kenalan deh, yang kebetulan teman dari temannya kakak, pas lagi bareng2 jalan, jokingly said to me: "kamu koq banyak jerawatnya siiih???"
I swear, it's like....JEEGEEERR! GLOOODAK, GUUUBRAKKK....
:(

Agak tersinggung dan sedih juga sih kala itu dengan fakta yang dikatakan si....sebut aja namanya 'Lea'... ooops!
In my defenses, aq bilang kalo saat itu aq lagi 'dapet'... *emang bener koq!*koq jadi ngotot sendiri?*
Emang sisa-sisa bekas jerawat saya terdahulu masih banyak sih menghiasi pipi saya, PLUS jerawat baru yang udah hakikatnya mampir saat bulanan. CRAAP!

Yang lebih me-jlebb-jlebb-kan saya lagi saat si Lea mengutarakan 'teori'nya kenapa saya 9atau orang lainnya) berjerawat. Katanya nih, itu karena saya memendam....
Ambigu?

Emang begitu kata dia, MEMENDAM. Memendam apaan? Dia bilang sih more to asrat or keinginan. "lhaa, kamu hasrat pengen punya cocok yaah??"

ZZZZZZ...............*penulis sedang menampar diri sendiri*

Saat itu saya in denial, GAK GAK dan GAK! I'm perfectly fine!....minus the fact that i have that one particular zit! Lagian.... apakah teorinya si Lea itu valid? uda adakah penelitian secara akademis kalo jerawat tuh ada hubungannya sama memendam-mendam??? *ngotot*

Saya kan memang berkulit berminyak yang notabenenya lebih gampang jerawatan daripada orang kulit kering (tapi anti keriput lhoo! *teteup gak mau kalah!*). Sooo, saya gak terima tuh teori Lea..............padahal memang kondisi saat ini saya single and boyfriendless....#tepokjidat

CRAP!
Sooo, it that mean that it's true?
Apa iya saya memendam hasrat? *konotasinya positip yak?*
Terus, kalopun iya, kan gak ada salahnya tuh kita punya keinginan untuk punya seseorang yang sayang ma kita dan menyayangi kita...*lho

Mungkin memang kita butuh a perfect stranger to really sees us. Contohnya saya, si Lea dan si jerawat. Siapa sangka perbincangan gak penting dan pertemuan tak disengaja dari mutual friends bisa membuat si Lea "perfect stranger" itu bisa menilai saya.....
Am I that obvious?

DAMN YOU JERAWAAAAT....... >,<

Padahal saya biasanya hebat lho dalam menilai diri saya....*hal ini sudah diakui orang lain*

Entahlah.
Hey, jerawat! please be nice to me???...

*masih didepan kaca*elus-elus jerawat*
#pasrah
Aapapun arti sebab musabab *halaah!* kau hadir dalam hidupku, aku terima kau apapun alasannya....(tapi jangan lama2, betah nongkrong di muka saya juga yeee...)

*buat si jerawat membandel, basmi saja dengan Combantrin!*

Curahan Hati Sang Malam...

Saat yang buat saya paling menenangkan adalah malam hari.
Kala hari telah berakhir. Saat kita, saya, kamu sudah asyik sendiri.
Tak menghiraukan keadaan.
Saat malam, saat hariku telah berakhir, semua sudah ditutup, baik secara konotasi maupun harfiah.....

Ya, sudah berakhir hari, dan saya, kamu, kita semua sudah 'mapan', nyaman diatas sarang kenyamanan kita. Siap terlelap, masuki dunia lain, dunia maya, impian.

Saat itu buat saya priceless. 
Apa yang kamu lakukan saat itu?
Saya....
Saya memilih diam. Saya memilih untuk merenung, dan berpikir.
Berat... 
Merenung?
Berpikir?
Lantas, apa bedanya dengan hari-hari yang sudah saya jalani, jika momen-momen istirahat ini justru saya jadikan 'lahan' berpikir... 
No, not that kind of thinking people!!
Ini bagian intim saya dengan diri saya sendiri. Saat saya bisa mendengar pikiran-pikiran terdalam saya. Suara-suara yang sayup tak terdengar saat saya disibukkan dunia duniawi.
Disini ada rasa nyaman. I'll make conversation with myself, my self concious are talking back to me.


Kadang, bukan hal indah yang kita temui in the back of my mind. Kadang justru terasa seperti slap in the face buat saya.
Hal-hal yang tadinya saat saya jalani hari tidak terhiraukan oleh saya, menjadi sebuah momen flashback, dimana saya mereplay dan review like a broken record semua hal yang terjadi. every single bits of it!
 Lantas...... apa sih yang saya temui?
Or am I just being emotional? saya menangis..... dan menangis, terus dan terus kadang membuat hidung mampet, it's hard to breathe.

In my defences, it's perfectly normal to cry..... it just goes to show that you have feelings.... that you're just an ordinary human being, weak. fragile. breakable.
Hahahahaaa.... ternyata saya tidah setangguh dan semegah yang saya kira yaa??

Tak berkata.
diam, dan hanya merenung, merenung saja sambil merewind apa yang terjadi (atau tidak terjadi) hari itu, saat itu, kemarin, tahun lalu, yang lalu...

Badai "kesadaran" terjadi saat tutup hari. Buat saya menyenangkan. Pada saat bersamaan, menenangkan.
Setelah itu saya bisa letakkan semua pikiran-pikiran itu.
Bukan selesai.
Saya tunda.
Saya tunda to think about it another day.
Saya selalu merasa otak saya ini pula tak ubahnya seperti memori komputer.
Bisa ditambah, dikurangi, dihapus, direcall lagi..... pun, diinstall ulang! :)
*don't laugh people... it just my thought!

Jadi, saya simpan saja.
lantas saya berpikir: so many times I cry, easily cry..... i get the tendency of crying myself to sleep. Is it healhty? 
Is there something (seriously) wrong with me?
Am I OK?
Do I need help?

I can't quite figure that out...
Ada rasa nyaman bin lega dan damai saat saya menangis... secara emosional mungkin aneh atau tak lazim menangis tanpa sebab alasan yang jelas. But, then again..... do we really need an excuse to show our emotions? 

Seseorang bilang kepada saya, bahwa itu tidak apapa. Tapi saya tetap butuh mencari 'bantuan'.
what kind of help? i don't even know the reason i cry in the first place...
Seseorang lagi bilang ke saya kalo ini perfectly normal, and I agreed.
Tapi ada alasan fundamental, pastinya kenapa seseorang menangis....

To be honest, I haven't found mine yet...
dan hari sudah berganti.