In the end...it's not the end

In the end...it's not the end. 

I'll take a very big sighs of relieve.... It's almost at the end of yet another year of my life. 
Looking back, seperti ingin refleksi diri... 
Apa apa aja sih pencapaian saya tahun ini? Banyak. Dan tidak juga...

Gimana dengan perubahan kamu? Not much...what it seems, more like what has changed me... Revealed me. 

But then again I always believe people don't change... They, we, I am merely revealed...

2011.
 Tahun ini tahun kelinci, rite? 
Kalo  mau disambung sambungin sih bisa ajaa...
 Kelinci... Big ears, cute and cuddly face, those fluffy hair and hilarious attitude... 
They don't make much noise, much like me towards the end of this year.... 
I chose silence and solitude. Merely to understand myself better... #tsaahh

Apa lagiiii? 
Kelinci  suka melompat?? 
Leap.
 I took a very big leap too at the start of this year. Got my first ever job. None like what I imagine nor expected... But I'm glad. In many ways, it gives me much to learn....to know and ultimately find myself. 
The real me.....sort of! I'm still eagerly learning. 
Now, that I think back.....

No regrets. They don't worth.....-Robbie William...

Those decisions made me what I am. Mistakes are the greatest lesson and mentor in life, not experience. Experiences you can gained, but experience and making mistakes while at it?? Those things will surely reveal you... I am my own best teacher!

So I took the leap. I took the first opportunity came. 
Why? Maybe I'm scare of the uncertainty lies ahead... 
Maybe it's true. 
Regrets? None. 
But honestly?? Yes, there were soooo much regrets and desperation at one point. 
But now....
I can truly say: IKHLAS.... 

Ini jalan yang saya pilih! 
Mengeluh  bukan pilihan!!!

What else?? Kelinci... Saya punya, beli 2 tahun ini juga. 
Now!?? Died. 
Both. 
Nope! Don't wanna talk about it. 

Gak ada lagi deeh relevansi klo mau disambung2in! x__x

*Big sighs*...

 Tahun ini juga tahun mental breakdown saya... In ways of the most ugly version you can imagine.. But I'm perfectly fine talking about it. 

It's like....when you're so low, hit rock bottom at the very low version of you... What you gonna do? Where would you go? .......

the only way is down, I can see that now - Mika. 

Ada ironi yang indah dalam hal yang selalu digemborkan orang dalam the-so-called-journey-of-finding-yourself... #tsaahh

I gone through that road of mine. Many many times now. I've battle against myself in all stages of my life, struggling to stay sane...
 Then again, what is sane? 
If Freud and Einstein do a debate about it?
 What would they say? 
Whose opinion win?
 Lets throw in Mother Theresa too! Or Mahatma Gandhi? 
Walt Disney? 
Martin Luther King? 
Kurt Cobain? 
Marilyn Monroe? 
Or hell...... Let's ask the big 'O'??? Oprah....

Hahaaa... Get the joke??

Ask me? Ask anybody! We, they, I have my own point of view of how is normal 'normal' and how sane is 'sane'....

I've also gained one particular ....fact, shall we say? fact about me and my condition whereabouts. In ways it scares me of finding out, but ironically I feel more of a relieve and sense of gladness about it.... Either way, Jessie J said that it's OK not to be OK. 

Jadi saya terima. 
Saya sudah berdamai dengan ini, itu, dia, mereka. 
Tapi yang terpenting, saya berdamai dengan diri saya sendiri....

Sounds like a bunch of bulls**t??

Maybe... But I'll say it anyway.

Soooo what's left at the end of this 2011?
Any hopes? Yes... Faith must be kept. 
Regrets? Yes...but I've made peace with it. 
Anything you haven't achieve yet?? Plenty of it!!!.... Always keeping my hopes up... Anxiously waiting in silence...while making all the effort I can do!

When one door closes, another one open. Perhaps not soon enough. But be sure it'll come. Maybe a window first...

Banyak spekulasi, harapan, cita-cita, Impian, keinginan, dan segalanya untuk yang akan datang.... 
Yang didepan. 

It's a mystery ...

Buat saya, lembaran baru sajalah!
Tidak menghapus halaman yang ini, hanya menulis pengalaman dan 'penemuan' jati diri yang baru...

Akhirnya?
 Bukan akhir ini milik kita, saya, kamu. Tapi awal. 

The end where I begin....- The Script. 

Selamat membuka lembaran itu. 
Kamu. 
Saya. 
Kita. 
Kami. 
Mereka. 

Berganti, tanpa melupakan...
Mengubah, tanpa membenahi....
Sama, tapi berbeda...

Saya menambah ilmu, pengalaman. usia. 

Mariiii....

Dampingi saya?
nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

New found attitude!

Ok, soooo ternyata saya tidak segila itu....
Masih ada secercah sanity ternyata... Walo sebenarnya masih belum saya temukan untuk apa, siapa pula saya disini...

I just dont feel loved. Needed. Significant. Not much just enough to make me worth my while...

But, these things always comes to me. Constantly now. I know...

Itu...sudah jadi sahabat saya. Galau....dan segala perasaan paling jelek dan down se-down2nya!..

Hingga that moment if ephiphany comes..

Percaya entah tidak, saviour saya bukan orang yang dekat, mengenal saya.
Pahlawan saya itu mereka yanghave absolutely had no idea who i am!.. Thru their work, music, words and melody.

Yes, music saves me...

I found refugee and sanctuary in the words of encouragement of them.
In ways that is somewhat impossible to believe yet it is soo much more relateable than you know, lyrics of those music really knew me, my emotions and what i went through...

Like right now, though i wanted to say ignorance is my best friend, a more suitable words came... It is litterally how I'm interpreting it...


You talk about life, you talk about death,
And everything in between,
Like it's nothing, and the words are easy....

You talk about me, and you talk about you,
And everything I do,
Like it's something, that needs repeating....

I don't need an alibi or for you to realize,
The things we left unsaid,
Are only taking space up in our head....

Make it my fault, win the game
Point the finger, place the blame
It does me up and down,
It doesn't matter now.

'Cause I don't care if I ever talk to you again.
This is not about emotion,
I don't need a reason not to care what you say, or what happened in the end.
This is my interpretation,
And it don't, don't make sense....!

The first two weeks turn into ten,
I hold my breath and wonder when it'll happen,
Does it really matter?

If half of what you said is true,
And half of what I didn't do could be different,
Would it make it better?

If we forget the things we know.
Would we have somewhere to go?

The only way is down, I can see that now....

It's really not such a sacrifice....

And it don't have to make no sense to you at all,
'Cause this is my interpretation, yeah, yeah, yeah....



nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.... With words of MIKA.

Ingin.... Boleh?

.....masih, terasa sangat sakit sekali...
Bagaimanakah menghilangkannya???

Sepertinya merasakan sakit dikulitnya saja...diluar lebih melegakan.

Terlalu banyak...
Cukup itu lebih dari apa yang bisa saya hadapi.
Bercerita tidak banyak memberi buat saya...
Tidak ada siapapun.

Entahlah lagi....
Jadikan ini milestone tertimoni saya.
Jika saya mampu mengumpulkan cukup kekuatan dan kegilaan,

Mungkin saya lakukan saja..
Dosanya juga buat saya.

Boleh?
Mungkin ini cara mengakhirinya...

Lelah.
Tidak hati, tubuh, pikiran...

Saya dikoyak dan diperawani oleh kejamnya....

Realita.
Sudah cukup sepertinya saya melihatnya.

Tinggalkan saja.
Tidak ada yang tersisa buat saya.

Tidak ada yang merinduku.
Tidak signifikan.

Jadi?

Boleh ya??

Aq akan menemui Dia...
Walah tidak dengan cara pilihanNya.

Sampai (tidak) berjumpa!

Nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

It's not a beautiful life, but it's mine....

I'll take a really long sighs before i wrote this.....

Belakangan, saya tidak tahu, honestly apa yang ingin saya'ungkapkan' 'keluarkan' atau 'tumpahkan' dalam blog empunya saya ini.. Benar!
Jikapun yang saya tulis sebelumnya it's just a merely nyampah, uneg2 dan hal yang lebih terkesan sebagai suatu luapan amarah atau kekesalan...

Nonetheless, no one ever told me what is a blog suppose to do for you anyway!
Seorang....teman pernah bilang kalo memang ngeblog itu fungsinya ya itu! 'itu' yang dia maksud saya sebenarnya juga kurang paham benar. Karena obrolan kami memang loosely based on nothing dan tibalah obrolan blog ini (FYI, bukan saya yg mengangkat topik ini ke permukaan lho)

Anyhow...

Typical saya adalah suka mencampur banyak hal dalam pikiran, atau banyak hal yang dipikir? Atau juga mikirin banyak hal at the sane time, all at once.

That's the beauty of a human mind...

Saat itu, mungkin saya memang butuh 'bicara' dalam arti sebenar dan juga konotasi, as in ada pengertian dari obrolan itu...

Apa yang ingin saya sampaikan?

Banyak!

Semua hal itu yang terjejalkan penuh dan sempit di sela-sela lorong pikiran saya! 1001 hal dan selebihnya yang menghantui pikiran saya, hal-hal yang secara randomly just 'pops' in my head!!!

Lalu hening.

Saat ada pihak-pihak yang ingin menawarkan telinganya untuk mendengar apa yang ingin sampaikan itu, saya yang terdiam.

Tida ada yang tersampaikan. Kalaupun ada, pasti tidak seperti mental image saya yang tersampaikan.

Sulit sekali bagi saya menumpahkan apa yang saya pikirkan itu!

Saya coba, tentunya!
Namun penyampaiannya tak sama. Penangkapan dan persepsi mereka berbeda.
Maybe it's a good thing...

You gained other point of views.

But what if i dont want them to?
I just wanna let them see the way I see it, feel the way I do! Exactly...

Just share it.
To them!
Not with them...

Salah banget yaa???

Kalo apa yang saya pikir ini bisa disimpan dalam flash drive, diputar dengan proyektor, so everyone could see it, i dont have to explain myself....

Tapi saya rasa tidak seperti itu kehidupan yang ada. Yang saya jalani.
Mungkin memang harus membiasakan diri.

Tapi...
Saya selalu menjadi merasa there's no point in talking about it!
It's mine,
my thoughts, every bad and worse....
and if anyone will see it and find a way through it, it's gonna be me and no one else!

Dan saya akan politely bertanya pada anda, bagaimana?

What do you think of me?
What about My thoughts?

Diantara sebegitu banyaknya Hal yang berjubel di pikiran saya, adalah hal-hal yang saya terus berusaha mencari tahu dalam hidup ini...
Ada begitu banyak sisi dari seseorang, dalam arti kepribadian atau personality yang dia punya...

Hal ini yang sangat saya yakini menjadi awal pikiran-pikiran saya, diantaranya...
Yah...mungkin Hal klise seperti the so-called pencarian jati diri blah....blah....blah!

Tapi buat saya itu menjadi bahan introspeksi diri yang oh-so-fucked-damn-you!!!
*pardon the language*

Ada sisi saya yang semua orang bisa tahu hanya melihat dan sebentar saja spend time sama saya...
Kamu nilai saya dari sisi itu.
Hingga sampai pada sisi yang sudah begitu sering kamu liat dari saya...
Tapi belum cukup sebegitu dalam kamu tahu..

I assume that how well you know people does not measured by the amount of time you know that person or how well....

It's through an understanding of character.
Hard to do.
Rarely done....close to none!

Even your family, siblings or all blood relatives you had might not know you to the very best of you!



This is probably why you never know a person you know exactly.

I genuinely believe that!
For me? You only see the side of me I wanted you to see. At first I'll be nice and all those good quality, then judgment came.
You 'assume' that that side you know is all me, you began to feel reluctant and unsure if that is me when I show you my other side that shall we say not the best quality side of me....

What happened then??

When you don't prepare some bits of understanding that there's actually sides of a person you (think) know, there's no more of you and me!

Coz I fear that you might runaway when you see sides of me you don't like...

It's unfair, is it?
It works both ways, vice versa.

Intinya yaah.... No judgement please!
It hurts really when you 'assume' someone a certain way that they, probably not, but you made your mind anyway since that's what you see in them...

What if that's the side of me I wanted you to see?

What if I'm still in pretty much blur of who I am?

Or simply I just cant bring myself and behave properly the way I truly am?

What if I'm having a really bad day, so much burden in mind and just simply being unable to put a single smile off my sorrow and pain??

What if....

There's too much of it!

What you gonna do?

I'll let you know how I feel, what I want...

Don't judge, people...
That's just mean!... and judgement without knowing is just plain cruel and sad!

Understand.
Or at least keep in mind that not everyday is a good day for everybody. Not everybody ya!

For some people day to day activities and everything that comes along with it is a constant struggle...

Respect them!
Put yourself in their shoes.
Maybe it's not a perfect beautiful life for them...

Life shapes you in more ways you can imagine.
Those invisible hands of faith, coincidences, circumstances, chances, changes and everything in between have given their mark in the lives they touch.

So has mine.

Now I know better not to judge.
People see what they want to see.
Sometimes they understand and able to comply...
Others...?? Not so much!

Thus, ignorance came.
It hurts and just plain sad to have ignored for just being who you are, show your other side..
I know.
I've been there...

Try and try...understand.
Try to be in my shoes.

I may not show the 'me', real me with all those sides of feelings, emotions and personality that I have yet, but just know and understand that I do have a bad day sometimes...

My life is far beyond perfect!
Nonetheless beautiful.... But it's mine!
With every ups and downs that happen, life lessons learned, stumbles and obstacles I've been through and yet to come.....

I'm glad.
Cos they're all mine and they shaped me the person i am now.

And I don't mind.

Judge me!
Understand me!
Have it what you want....

There's gonna be a silver lining or a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow.

I'm still waiting.

Belajar berintrospeksi diri.
Hanya itu.
Menempatkan diri Dan membawa diri.
Biar orang menilai.
Biar orang bicara.

Sekali lagi, ini Semata-mata pandangan saya dalam hal.
Stuff in my head.
I don't preach...

Melihat satu hal yang selalu saya pikir itu...

Masih banyak selebihnya...
Tapi yang saya punya hanya sekurang-kurangnya saja.

Understanding. Without judgment.

You don't alway get what you want, compromise!

Have it your way to see it!
But if you truly care for that person, you'll wait and just be patience until they're ready to reveal those sides and drop the masquerade...

Just remember:

Talking can change your feeling,
But action can actually change your whole world.

nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

Soundtracking this....try

All I know
Is everything is not as it's sold
But the more I grow the less I know
And I have lived so many lives
Though I'm not old
And the more I see, the less I grow
The fewer the seeds the more I sow

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try, try

I wish I hadn't seen all of the realness
And all the real people are really not real at all
The more I learn the more I learn
The more I cry the more I cry
As I say goodbye to the way of life
I thought I had designed for me

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
I'm all I'll ever be
But all I can do is try
Oh, try, try

All of the moments that already passed
We'll try to go back and make them last
All of the things we want each other to be
We never will be, we never will be
And that's wonderful, and that's life
And that's you, baby
This is me, baby
And we are, we are, we are, we are
We are, we are
Free
In our love
We are free in our love


*courtesy of Nelly Furtado. Truly amazing lyrics!

nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

Being a public enemy....

Ok! Sebelum apa2, jika anda tidak suka apa yang akan saya sampaikan..... Simply look away!
I'll be all fucking blown up in anger like you never seen if this, now what I'm about to write will be count as "office" or "work" related!!!!!

What ever happen dengan kebebasan mengeluarkan pendapat di muka publik? Penghargaan privasi seseorang? Dan pembeda antara fungsi seseorang sebagai pribadi sosial Dan pribadi individu atau personal????!!!!

I have a life, hell to the o!!!! In case you didn't notice...

Mengecewakan dimana satu2nya atau outlet atau channel yang kamu kira aman untuk nyampah, or just simply say what's in your mind without any prejudice now is also not safe...

For me? It's a violation of my privacy and personal life.
Things that I would like to keep it to myself. As my own... Just because of one individual's perception of me.....I have to spill!!!

It's truly a mad world...

Is there no more decency??

What ever happen to being a gentlemen and say something upfront???

Gone, I guess... Down in flame...

I probably defending myself... But isn't a reflection should be done both ways??

Im a person of strong value and principle that I'm very much proud of.
I can change... If you worthy to enough for it!

At the moment though.... You're not.
I think I'll keep being me.
You never know me at all...
....and please, don't bother now.


*footnote: tidak saya dedikasikan rangkaian kata2 ini kepada pihak manapun!
I need no approval for being myself and speak my mind.
Hanya untaian kata yang saya ingin "kirim" keluar....dead air.
nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

Diantara yang tersampaikan dan tidak....

Sebelumnya, allow me to warn whoever gonna read this, it's not for the faint hearted.
Ada yang pernah nonton film Repo Men? Dimainkan sangat apik oleh Forest Whitaker Dan yaa, Jude Law. Ceritanya sih sungguh sangat sci fi and in a way maybe gak terlalu make sense. Tapi buat saya, I see beyond that!
Surpass all the action and ideas of a sci fi movie....

Apa kamu juga menangkapnya?

Ada satu line yang sangat saya sukai terlontar dari tokoh yang dimainkan Jude Law, maaf saya lupa namanya, but this is what he said:

" A job, is never just a job. It's who you are. And if you wanna change who you are, you gotta change what you do...."

Well? Pretty awesome, huh!??
Alasan mengapa saya mengangkat film ini, atau tepatnya salah satu line yang may I say sangat cerdas dan menohok ini!?? At least buat saya...

Saya ceritakan kronologis yang tersampaikan...
Beberapa hari yang lalu, saya dan beberapa teman kantor makan siang, entah awalnya topik after lunch conversation kami apa.... Seorang teman menyinggung film ini. Bukan segi yang saya sampaikan sebelumnya, tapi cerita sci fi nya itu.

Lalu, ditengah2 serunya perbincangan, saya jadi teringat kalimat itu.
Uda.
As simple as that.

Teman saya yg menyinggung film itu ternyata sama sekali tidak menyinggung soal kalimat itu. Entah saya yg kurang kerjaan sampe2 mengingat semua line film itu atau memang teman saya itu yang tidak menangkapnya...
Saya simpan pikiran saya.

Tidak tersampaikan....

Korelasi dari sebuah simple quote in a movie dan kondisi emosional yang sungguh sangat labil ternyata sangat significant.

Sering saya memikirkan itu, ini, banyak hal terlintas. Human mind truly is the greatest asset one can have...

Banyak hal, kejadian yang terjadi mungkin terlihat sangat tidak berhubungan atau dalam rentang waktu yang relatif gak nyambung....
Saat pikiran saya labil, bisa nyambung juga!
Dan ujung2nya overload!

Tumpah...
Stress...
Obsessed...
Depressed....
Bahasa kerennya, galau!

Ada jumpa, Ada perpisahan...
Dan orang2 yang datang Dan pergi itu, selalu saya beranggapan betapa beruntungnya mereka! Betapa Hebatnya!
Betapa pandainya....
They have the luxury and opportunity to change who they are...

Mari kita refleksi...

Apa yang kamu cari????
Mungkin ini lebih ke self talk therapy buat saya... I'm a mess! Train wreck would be an understatement to me...

Banyak hal terjadi, terucap dan tersampaikan....

Tapi buat saya, lebih banyak kebalikannya!
Ingin sekali saya mencari saluran untuk semua emosi ini!
It's all in my head!
Dan saya sangat menyadari betapa tidak mungkin memaksakan orang lain, siapa saja untuk memahami state of mind saya....
Karena saya sendiri masih mencari tahu, but on top of that.... Saya tHu benar kalo itu pointless.
Karena ini punya saya, jalan keluar juga di saya.
Itulah mengapa saya mungkin punya lebih dari hanya kecenderungan untuk meng alienasi diri Dari orang.

Just shut myself down....

Mungkin ini salah, tidak sehat dan pasti anda tahu the worst case scenarionya....
I hope.
state of mind ini mungkin timbunan pikiran2 yang tak tersampaikan, tak terjadi, pikiran, harapan, ekspektasi, keinginan, emosi dan segala hal inbetween yang bagi orang lain sepele, bagi saya berpele-pele!!!
Dan eating myself from inside....

I'm damaged.
Broken.
Can't be fixed.

Dan saya tak Ingin spotlight dan perhatian itu.
Tidak Ingin orang lain merasa iba dan kasihan, pity.... Even if it's a sign of caring and loving.

I prefer to keep it to myself.
Saya tahu batas saya, apapun 'batas' itu ingin anda artikan...

Selalu seperti ini...

Berpaling pada higher power mungkin lebih baik, saya bercinta denganNya saja. Si pemberi saya problem ini, yang bisa saya beritahu tanpa menyampaikan.
Kami tidak dekat.

Ada love and hate relationship didalamnya. Lebih sering saya meresa marah, kecewa, protes dan sejenisnya kepada Dia.

Dan saya kesal!!!!
Dia hanya Diam!

Saya curahkan, tanpa kata, hanya ucap2an Dan air mata... Dan yang saya dapat hanya dead air...

Hening Dan sunyi...

Saya dimanja.
Saya berontak!
Saya tidak disayang..
Saya menyerah....
Saat itu betapa Ingin saya langsung bertemuNya! Akan saya sampaikan langsung saja pikir saya, semua ini!
Segalanya!
Yang tersampaikan Dan tidak....

Tapi dia tidak bisa.
Dia tidak begitu sayangnya sampai ingin bertemu.

Ada ironi Dan dilemma yang indah Dari semua ini.

Pada satu poin, saya terdefinisi oleh cintaNya, namun di mata saya, dunia fana ini, apa yang saya lakukanlah yang lebih penting.

Mengatur, mengendalikan, menjalankan semua! Dan tidak semua....

Aren't we our own god???

Saya tidak Ingin menjadi saya yang sekarang. Ingin saya ubah yang saya lakukan, untuk mengubah diri saya, in ways as you would assume...

Terlalu telat mungkin kalo saya bilang ini adalah pencarian jati diri, aktualisasi diri bla bla bla....
I'm too old for this shit!

Ini hanya saya, menjadi saya yang tak sempurna, tidak Ingin sempurna Dan tidak mungkin sempurna...

Menjadi saya tidak mudah, namun ingin saya obral diri saya untuk menjadi versi saya yang lain! Saya tidak mau menjadi dirimu... Saya tidak bisa.
Saya tidak se normal kamu.

Keindahan Dan semua kekacauan ini milik saya.
A beautiful mess....
All mine, my own.

So help me help you....
I will never change, don't bother wasting your time.
I change when I feel like it.
I know what I'm capable of.

But you can fixed me...
Stop trying.



nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.