Thursday, December 29, 2011

In the end...it's not the end

In the end...it's not the end. 

I'll take a very big sighs of relieve.... It's almost at the end of yet another year of my life. 
Looking back, seperti ingin refleksi diri... 
Apa apa aja sih pencapaian saya tahun ini? Banyak. Dan tidak juga...

Gimana dengan perubahan kamu? Not much...what it seems, more like what has changed me... Revealed me. 

But then again I always believe people don't change... They, we, I am merely revealed...

2011.
 Tahun ini tahun kelinci, rite? 
Kalo  mau disambung sambungin sih bisa ajaa...
 Kelinci... Big ears, cute and cuddly face, those fluffy hair and hilarious attitude... 
They don't make much noise, much like me towards the end of this year.... 
I chose silence and solitude. Merely to understand myself better... #tsaahh

Apa lagiiii? 
Kelinci  suka melompat?? 
Leap.
 I took a very big leap too at the start of this year. Got my first ever job. None like what I imagine nor expected... But I'm glad. In many ways, it gives me much to learn....to know and ultimately find myself. 
The real me.....sort of! I'm still eagerly learning. 
Now, that I think back.....

No regrets. They don't worth.....-Robbie William...

Those decisions made me what I am. Mistakes are the greatest lesson and mentor in life, not experience. Experiences you can gained, but experience and making mistakes while at it?? Those things will surely reveal you... I am my own best teacher!

So I took the leap. I took the first opportunity came. 
Why? Maybe I'm scare of the uncertainty lies ahead... 
Maybe it's true. 
Regrets? None. 
But honestly?? Yes, there were soooo much regrets and desperation at one point. 
But now....
I can truly say: IKHLAS.... 

Ini jalan yang saya pilih! 
Mengeluh  bukan pilihan!!!

What else?? Kelinci... Saya punya, beli 2 tahun ini juga. 
Now!?? Died. 
Both. 
Nope! Don't wanna talk about it. 

Gak ada lagi deeh relevansi klo mau disambung2in! x__x

*Big sighs*...

 Tahun ini juga tahun mental breakdown saya... In ways of the most ugly version you can imagine.. But I'm perfectly fine talking about it. 

It's like....when you're so low, hit rock bottom at the very low version of you... What you gonna do? Where would you go? .......

the only way is down, I can see that now - Mika. 

Ada ironi yang indah dalam hal yang selalu digemborkan orang dalam the-so-called-journey-of-finding-yourself... #tsaahh

I gone through that road of mine. Many many times now. I've battle against myself in all stages of my life, struggling to stay sane...
 Then again, what is sane? 
If Freud and Einstein do a debate about it?
 What would they say? 
Whose opinion win?
 Lets throw in Mother Theresa too! Or Mahatma Gandhi? 
Walt Disney? 
Martin Luther King? 
Kurt Cobain? 
Marilyn Monroe? 
Or hell...... Let's ask the big 'O'??? Oprah....

Hahaaa... Get the joke??

Ask me? Ask anybody! We, they, I have my own point of view of how is normal 'normal' and how sane is 'sane'....

I've also gained one particular ....fact, shall we say? fact about me and my condition whereabouts. In ways it scares me of finding out, but ironically I feel more of a relieve and sense of gladness about it.... Either way, Jessie J said that it's OK not to be OK. 

Jadi saya terima. 
Saya sudah berdamai dengan ini, itu, dia, mereka. 
Tapi yang terpenting, saya berdamai dengan diri saya sendiri....

Sounds like a bunch of bulls**t??

Maybe... But I'll say it anyway.

Soooo what's left at the end of this 2011?
Any hopes? Yes... Faith must be kept. 
Regrets? Yes...but I've made peace with it. 
Anything you haven't achieve yet?? Plenty of it!!!.... Always keeping my hopes up... Anxiously waiting in silence...while making all the effort I can do!

When one door closes, another one open. Perhaps not soon enough. But be sure it'll come. Maybe a window first...

Banyak spekulasi, harapan, cita-cita, Impian, keinginan, dan segalanya untuk yang akan datang.... 
Yang didepan. 

It's a mystery ...

Buat saya, lembaran baru sajalah!
Tidak menghapus halaman yang ini, hanya menulis pengalaman dan 'penemuan' jati diri yang baru...

Akhirnya?
 Bukan akhir ini milik kita, saya, kamu. Tapi awal. 

The end where I begin....- The Script. 

Selamat membuka lembaran itu. 
Kamu. 
Saya. 
Kita. 
Kami. 
Mereka. 

Berganti, tanpa melupakan...
Mengubah, tanpa membenahi....
Sama, tapi berbeda...

Saya menambah ilmu, pengalaman. usia. 

Mariiii....

Dampingi saya?
nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

New found attitude!

Ok, soooo ternyata saya tidak segila itu....
Masih ada secercah sanity ternyata... Walo sebenarnya masih belum saya temukan untuk apa, siapa pula saya disini...

I just dont feel loved. Needed. Significant. Not much just enough to make me worth my while...

But, these things always comes to me. Constantly now. I know...

Itu...sudah jadi sahabat saya. Galau....dan segala perasaan paling jelek dan down se-down2nya!..

Hingga that moment if ephiphany comes..

Percaya entah tidak, saviour saya bukan orang yang dekat, mengenal saya.
Pahlawan saya itu mereka yanghave absolutely had no idea who i am!.. Thru their work, music, words and melody.

Yes, music saves me...

I found refugee and sanctuary in the words of encouragement of them.
In ways that is somewhat impossible to believe yet it is soo much more relateable than you know, lyrics of those music really knew me, my emotions and what i went through...

Like right now, though i wanted to say ignorance is my best friend, a more suitable words came... It is litterally how I'm interpreting it...


You talk about life, you talk about death,
And everything in between,
Like it's nothing, and the words are easy....

You talk about me, and you talk about you,
And everything I do,
Like it's something, that needs repeating....

I don't need an alibi or for you to realize,
The things we left unsaid,
Are only taking space up in our head....

Make it my fault, win the game
Point the finger, place the blame
It does me up and down,
It doesn't matter now.

'Cause I don't care if I ever talk to you again.
This is not about emotion,
I don't need a reason not to care what you say, or what happened in the end.
This is my interpretation,
And it don't, don't make sense....!


The first two weeks turn into ten,
I hold my breath and wonder when it'll happen,
Does it really matter?

If half of what you said is true,
And half of what I didn't do could be different,
Would it make it better?

If we forget the things we know.
Would we have somewhere to go?

The only way is down, I can see that now....

It's really not such a sacrifice....

And it don't have to make no sense to you at all,
'Cause this is my interpretation, yeah, yeah, yeah....



nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.... With words of MIKA.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Ingin.... Boleh?

.....masih, terasa sangat sakit sekali...
Bagaimanakah menghilangkannya???

Sepertinya merasakan sakit dikulitnya saja...diluar lebih melegakan.

Terlalu banyak...
Cukup itu lebih dari apa yang bisa saya hadapi.
Bercerita tidak banyak memberi buat saya...
Tidak ada siapapun.

Entahlah lagi....
Jadikan ini milestone tertimoni saya.
Jika saya mampu mengumpulkan cukup kekuatan dan kegilaan,

Mungkin saya lakukan saja..
Dosanya juga buat saya.

Boleh?
Mungkin ini cara mengakhirinya...

Lelah.
Tidak hati, tubuh, pikiran...

Saya dikoyak dan diperawani oleh kejamnya....

Realita.
Sudah cukup sepertinya saya melihatnya.

Tinggalkan saja.
Tidak ada yang tersisa buat saya.

Tidak ada yang merinduku.
Tidak signifikan.

Jadi?

Boleh ya??

Aq akan menemui Dia...
Walah tidak dengan cara pilihanNya.

Sampai (tidak) berjumpa!

Nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

It's not a beautiful life, but it's mine....

I'll take a really long sighs before i wrote this.....

Belakangan, saya tidak tahu, honestly apa yang ingin saya'ungkapkan' 'keluarkan' atau 'tumpahkan' dalam blog empunya saya ini.. Benar!
Jikapun yang saya tulis sebelumnya it's just a merely nyampah, uneg2 dan hal yang lebih terkesan sebagai suatu luapan amarah atau kekesalan...

Nonetheless, no one ever told me what is a blog suppose to do for you anyway!
Seorang....teman pernah bilang kalo memang ngeblog itu fungsinya ya itu! 'itu' yang dia maksud saya sebenarnya juga kurang paham benar. Karena obrolan kami memang loosely based on nothing dan tibalah obrolan blog ini (FYI, bukan saya yg mengangkat topik ini ke permukaan lho)

Anyhow...

Typical saya adalah suka mencampur banyak hal dalam pikiran, atau banyak hal yang dipikir? Atau juga mikirin banyak hal at the sane time, all at once.

That's the beauty of a human mind...

Saat itu, mungkin saya memang butuh 'bicara' dalam arti sebenar dan juga konotasi, as in ada pengertian dari obrolan itu...

Apa yang ingin saya sampaikan?

Banyak!

Semua hal itu yang terjejalkan penuh dan sempit di sela-sela lorong pikiran saya! 1001 hal dan selebihnya yang menghantui pikiran saya, hal-hal yang secara randomly just 'pops' in my head!!!

Lalu hening.

Saat ada pihak-pihak yang ingin menawarkan telinganya untuk mendengar apa yang ingin sampaikan itu, saya yang terdiam.

Tida ada yang tersampaikan. Kalaupun ada, pasti tidak seperti mental image saya yang tersampaikan.

Sulit sekali bagi saya menumpahkan apa yang saya pikirkan itu!

Saya coba, tentunya!
Namun penyampaiannya tak sama. Penangkapan dan persepsi mereka berbeda.
Maybe it's a good thing...

You gained other point of views.

But what if i dont want them to?
I just wanna let them see the way I see it, feel the way I do! Exactly...

Just share it.
To them!
Not with them...

Salah banget yaa???

Kalo apa yang saya pikir ini bisa disimpan dalam flash drive, diputar dengan proyektor, so everyone could see it, i dont have to explain myself....

Tapi saya rasa tidak seperti itu kehidupan yang ada. Yang saya jalani.
Mungkin memang harus membiasakan diri.

Tapi...
Saya selalu menjadi merasa there's no point in talking about it!
It's mine,
my thoughts, every bad and worse....
and if anyone will see it and find a way through it, it's gonna be me and no one else!

Dan saya akan politely bertanya pada anda, bagaimana?

What do you think of me?
What about My thoughts?

Diantara sebegitu banyaknya Hal yang berjubel di pikiran saya, adalah hal-hal yang saya terus berusaha mencari tahu dalam hidup ini...
Ada begitu banyak sisi dari seseorang, dalam arti kepribadian atau personality yang dia punya...

Hal ini yang sangat saya yakini menjadi awal pikiran-pikiran saya, diantaranya...
Yah...mungkin Hal klise seperti the so-called pencarian jati diri blah....blah....blah!

Tapi buat saya itu menjadi bahan introspeksi diri yang oh-so-fucked-damn-you!!!
*pardon the language*

Ada sisi saya yang semua orang bisa tahu hanya melihat dan sebentar saja spend time sama saya...
Kamu nilai saya dari sisi itu.
Hingga sampai pada sisi yang sudah begitu sering kamu liat dari saya...
Tapi belum cukup sebegitu dalam kamu tahu..

I assume that how well you know people does not measured by the amount of time you know that person or how well....

It's through an understanding of character.
Hard to do.
Rarely done....close to none!

Even your family, siblings or all blood relatives you had might not know you to the very best of you!



This is probably why you never know a person you know exactly.

I genuinely believe that!
For me? You only see the side of me I wanted you to see. At first I'll be nice and all those good quality, then judgment came.
You 'assume' that that side you know is all me, you began to feel reluctant and unsure if that is me when I show you my other side that shall we say not the best quality side of me....

What happened then??

When you don't prepare some bits of understanding that there's actually sides of a person you (think) know, there's no more of you and me!

Coz I fear that you might runaway when you see sides of me you don't like...

It's unfair, is it?
It works both ways, vice versa.

Intinya yaah.... No judgement please!
It hurts really when you 'assume' someone a certain way that they, probably not, but you made your mind anyway since that's what you see in them...

What if that's the side of me I wanted you to see?

What if I'm still in pretty much blur of who I am?

Or simply I just cant bring myself and behave properly the way I truly am?

What if I'm having a really bad day, so much burden in mind and just simply being unable to put a single smile off my sorrow and pain??

What if....

There's too much of it!

What you gonna do?

I'll let you know how I feel, what I want...

Don't judge, people...
That's just mean!... and judgement without knowing is just plain cruel and sad!

Understand.
Or at least keep in mind that not everyday is a good day for everybody. Not everybody ya!

For some people day to day activities and everything that comes along with it is a constant struggle...

Respect them!
Put yourself in their shoes.
Maybe it's not a perfect beautiful life for them...

Life shapes you in more ways you can imagine.
Those invisible hands of faith, coincidences, circumstances, chances, changes and everything in between have given their mark in the lives they touch.

So has mine.

Now I know better not to judge.
People see what they want to see.
Sometimes they understand and able to comply...
Others...?? Not so much!

Thus, ignorance came.
It hurts and just plain sad to have ignored for just being who you are, show your other side..
I know.
I've been there...

Try and try...understand.
Try to be in my shoes.

I may not show the 'me', real me with all those sides of feelings, emotions and personality that I have yet, but just know and understand that I do have a bad day sometimes...

My life is far beyond perfect!
Nonetheless beautiful.... But it's mine!
With every ups and downs that happen, life lessons learned, stumbles and obstacles I've been through and yet to come.....

I'm glad.
Cos they're all mine and they shaped me the person i am now.

And I don't mind.

Judge me!
Understand me!
Have it what you want....

There's gonna be a silver lining or a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow.

I'm still waiting.

Belajar berintrospeksi diri.
Hanya itu.
Menempatkan diri Dan membawa diri.
Biar orang menilai.
Biar orang bicara.

Sekali lagi, ini Semata-mata pandangan saya dalam hal.
Stuff in my head.
I don't preach...

Melihat satu hal yang selalu saya pikir itu...

Masih banyak selebihnya...
Tapi yang saya punya hanya sekurang-kurangnya saja.

Understanding. Without judgment.

You don't alway get what you want, compromise!

Have it your way to see it!
But if you truly care for that person, you'll wait and just be patience until they're ready to reveal those sides and drop the masquerade...

Just remember:

Talking can change your feeling,
But action can actually change your whole world.


nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Soundtracking this....try

All I know
Is everything is not as it's sold
But the more I grow the less I know
And I have lived so many lives
Though I'm not old
And the more I see, the less I grow
The fewer the seeds the more I sow

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try, try

I wish I hadn't seen all of the realness
And all the real people are really not real at all

The more I learn the more I learn
The more I cry the more I cry
As I say goodbye to the way of life
I thought I had designed for me

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
I'm all I'll ever be
But all I can do is try
Oh, try, try

All of the moments that already passed
We'll try to go back and make them last
All of the things we want each other to be
We never will be, we never will be
And that's wonderful, and that's life
And that's you, baby
This is me, baby
And we are, we are, we are, we are
We are, we are
Free
In our love
We are free in our love


*courtesy of Nelly Furtado. Truly amazing lyrics!

nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Being a public enemy....

Ok! Sebelum apa2, jika anda tidak suka apa yang akan saya sampaikan..... Simply look away!
I'll be all fucking blown up in anger like you never seen if this, now what I'm about to write will be count as "office" or "work" related!!!!!

What ever happen dengan kebebasan mengeluarkan pendapat di muka publik? Penghargaan privasi seseorang? Dan pembeda antara fungsi seseorang sebagai pribadi sosial Dan pribadi individu atau personal????!!!!

I have a life, hell to the o!!!! In case you didn't notice...

Mengecewakan dimana satu2nya atau outlet atau channel yang kamu kira aman untuk nyampah, or just simply say what's in your mind without any prejudice now is also not safe...

For me? It's a violation of my privacy and personal life.
Things that I would like to keep it to myself. As my own... Just because of one individual's perception of me.....I have to spill!!!

It's truly a mad world...

Is there no more decency??

What ever happen to being a gentlemen and say something upfront???

Gone, I guess... Down in flame...

I probably defending myself... But isn't a reflection should be done both ways??

Im a person of strong value and principle that I'm very much proud of.
I can change... If you worthy to enough for it!

At the moment though.... You're not.
I think I'll keep being me.
You never know me at all...
....and please, don't bother now.


*footnote: tidak saya dedikasikan rangkaian kata2 ini kepada pihak manapun!
I need no approval for being myself and speak my mind.
Hanya untaian kata yang saya ingin "kirim" keluar....dead air.
nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Diantara yang tersampaikan dan tidak....

Sebelumnya, allow me to warn whoever gonna read this, it's not for the faint hearted.
Ada yang pernah nonton film Repo Men? Dimainkan sangat apik oleh Forest Whitaker Dan yaa, Jude Law. Ceritanya sih sungguh sangat sci fi and in a way maybe gak terlalu make sense. Tapi buat saya, I see beyond that!
Surpass all the action and ideas of a sci fi movie....

Apa kamu juga menangkapnya?

Ada satu line yang sangat saya sukai terlontar dari tokoh yang dimainkan Jude Law, maaf saya lupa namanya, but this is what he said:

" A job, is never just a job. It's who you are. And if you wanna change who you are, you gotta change what you do...."

Well? Pretty awesome, huh!??
Alasan mengapa saya mengangkat film ini, atau tepatnya salah satu line yang may I say sangat cerdas dan menohok ini!?? At least buat saya...

Saya ceritakan kronologis yang tersampaikan...
Beberapa hari yang lalu, saya dan beberapa teman kantor makan siang, entah awalnya topik after lunch conversation kami apa.... Seorang teman menyinggung film ini. Bukan segi yang saya sampaikan sebelumnya, tapi cerita sci fi nya itu.

Lalu, ditengah2 serunya perbincangan, saya jadi teringat kalimat itu.
Uda.
As simple as that.

Teman saya yg menyinggung film itu ternyata sama sekali tidak menyinggung soal kalimat itu. Entah saya yg kurang kerjaan sampe2 mengingat semua line film itu atau memang teman saya itu yang tidak menangkapnya...
Saya simpan pikiran saya.

Tidak tersampaikan....

Korelasi dari sebuah simple quote in a movie dan kondisi emosional yang sungguh sangat labil ternyata sangat significant.

Sering saya memikirkan itu, ini, banyak hal terlintas. Human mind truly is the greatest asset one can have...

Banyak hal, kejadian yang terjadi mungkin terlihat sangat tidak berhubungan atau dalam rentang waktu yang relatif gak nyambung....
Saat pikiran saya labil, bisa nyambung juga!
Dan ujung2nya overload!

Tumpah...
Stress...
Obsessed...
Depressed....
Bahasa kerennya, galau!

Ada jumpa, Ada perpisahan...
Dan orang2 yang datang Dan pergi itu, selalu saya beranggapan betapa beruntungnya mereka! Betapa Hebatnya!
Betapa pandainya....
They have the luxury and opportunity to change who they are...

Mari kita refleksi...

Apa yang kamu cari????
Mungkin ini lebih ke self talk therapy buat saya... I'm a mess! Train wreck would be an understatement to me...

Banyak hal terjadi, terucap dan tersampaikan....

Tapi buat saya, lebih banyak kebalikannya!
Ingin sekali saya mencari saluran untuk semua emosi ini!
It's all in my head!
Dan saya sangat menyadari betapa tidak mungkin memaksakan orang lain, siapa saja untuk memahami state of mind saya....
Karena saya sendiri masih mencari tahu, but on top of that.... Saya tHu benar kalo itu pointless.
Karena ini punya saya, jalan keluar juga di saya.
Itulah mengapa saya mungkin punya lebih dari hanya kecenderungan untuk meng alienasi diri Dari orang.

Just shut myself down....

Mungkin ini salah, tidak sehat dan pasti anda tahu the worst case scenarionya....
I hope.
state of mind ini mungkin timbunan pikiran2 yang tak tersampaikan, tak terjadi, pikiran, harapan, ekspektasi, keinginan, emosi dan segala hal inbetween yang bagi orang lain sepele, bagi saya berpele-pele!!!
Dan eating myself from inside....

I'm damaged.
Broken.
Can't be fixed.

Dan saya tak Ingin spotlight dan perhatian itu.
Tidak Ingin orang lain merasa iba dan kasihan, pity.... Even if it's a sign of caring and loving.

I prefer to keep it to myself.
Saya tahu batas saya, apapun 'batas' itu ingin anda artikan...

Selalu seperti ini...

Berpaling pada higher power mungkin lebih baik, saya bercinta denganNya saja. Si pemberi saya problem ini, yang bisa saya beritahu tanpa menyampaikan.
Kami tidak dekat.

Ada love and hate relationship didalamnya. Lebih sering saya meresa marah, kecewa, protes dan sejenisnya kepada Dia.

Dan saya kesal!!!!
Dia hanya Diam!

Saya curahkan, tanpa kata, hanya ucap2an Dan air mata... Dan yang saya dapat hanya dead air...

Hening Dan sunyi...

Saya dimanja.
Saya berontak!
Saya tidak disayang..
Saya menyerah....
Saat itu betapa Ingin saya langsung bertemuNya! Akan saya sampaikan langsung saja pikir saya, semua ini!
Segalanya!
Yang tersampaikan Dan tidak....

Tapi dia tidak bisa.
Dia tidak begitu sayangnya sampai ingin bertemu.

Ada ironi Dan dilemma yang indah Dari semua ini.

Pada satu poin, saya terdefinisi oleh cintaNya, namun di mata saya, dunia fana ini, apa yang saya lakukanlah yang lebih penting.

Mengatur, mengendalikan, menjalankan semua! Dan tidak semua....

Aren't we our own god???

Saya tidak Ingin menjadi saya yang sekarang. Ingin saya ubah yang saya lakukan, untuk mengubah diri saya, in ways as you would assume...

Terlalu telat mungkin kalo saya bilang ini adalah pencarian jati diri, aktualisasi diri bla bla bla....
I'm too old for this shit!

Ini hanya saya, menjadi saya yang tak sempurna, tidak Ingin sempurna Dan tidak mungkin sempurna...

Menjadi saya tidak mudah, namun ingin saya obral diri saya untuk menjadi versi saya yang lain! Saya tidak mau menjadi dirimu... Saya tidak bisa.
Saya tidak se normal kamu.

Keindahan Dan semua kekacauan ini milik saya.
A beautiful mess....
All mine, my own.

So help me help you....
I will never change, don't bother wasting your time.
I change when I feel like it.
I know what I'm capable of.

But you can fixed me...
Stop trying.



nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Hello God, are you there?

It's been.... I honestly don't know how long since my last blog post. No specific reason, of course, you know....reasons like my computer broke, I can't get an Internet connection or other technical stuff that really contribute towards the essential 'why' I never posted any blog.

In my defense, I've actually really had nothing to say... When ironically on the other hand, I've soooo much to share! Everything! Nothing comes out though.
Dammit! Maybe I'm not a well gifted writer, that easily put words into words, describing things in the most oh so sophisticated words and phrases, none the less writers that have the ability of creating a single universes all in his/her wonderful minds.

This brings me to the idea of having the opportunity to be able to travel in a small crew.
So, what was I saying??

Damn! Not not maybe. It's something I don't really feel that I have those ability, shall we call it that instead of gift.
Writing is something so new to me, odd, sometime fun... other time its a constant struggle just to be able to find a single best suitable word! I'm not even good at writing in my native Indonesia language! Dammit!!!

I'm talking (writing) nonsense, huh!??
I blame the inner Aquarius personality in me.

Yes, people... I have been studying and finding out about me. My own self and the journey of so called pursuit of personality in search of a true happiness...
Assessing yourself is one way to do so. On my case, I don't share, I prefer not to talk about it, my problems, how I feel, what I feel... I don't bother sharing it.
Even when people ask and push me to talk about it and spill.. I stand my ground.
Some thinks I just shut down myself, some thinks I'm proud or too proud to talk, other thinks I'm not a good friend, since I don't want to share...

Here's what I thought,
in my defense, I don't want to bother someone, the person that is insignificant in my life to share that I think, my problems, my life! The bad and shitty part of it! Is that so arrogant? If it is then i'll take the blame!

It's just hard to talk and share what other demand out of me when most of the time I myself still trying to figure what's actually wrong (with me)??

Have you ever cry so hard you're getting hard to breathe for NO reason at all?? You just burst in to tears all of the sudden...

Or have you had this rush of grudge and hatred and anger that you just want to scream your lungs out!???

Perhaps you do stupid things cause you though it'll make you feel better??

Sometimes having a massive headache and constant feeling in your guts of emotions??
Why is that?
Why is these things happening?
I'm sure can't explain it to myself...and I don't expect any explanation from someone else.

Perhaps it's very wrong in a lot of ways. I'm sure psycholog and mental health doctors would reccomend you go 'talk' about it.
Problem is: I don't wanna talk.....
It's my own inner conflicts. Issues. Problems. Heaven. and hell of my own. I'll figure it out. Myself.

So next time you ask 'what's wrong?'and I just stood there wanting so badly trying to talk and share it with you then nothing happen???
It's because I cant put it in words...

Maybe talking about it and share it would make it easier, lighter for me? The way I see it? It doesn't....

There's beauty in an ironic ways of how I have everything and nothing to say at the same time...


nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

lagi METAL...

oke..... berhubung lagi METAL a.k.a mellow total! *pinjem hashtag salah satu station radio Surabaya* ditambah suasana kantor yang eh sangat  mendukung karena bos-bos pada kagak ada! (yipiii!!!) dan juga dapet paket internetan gratis UNLIMITED seminggu ini, soooooo.......

Here We Go!
saya gak kepengen ngomong banyak sih, cuma memang sepertinya saya sedang sungguh sangat labil. emotionally speaking... mood swing berubah2, keinginan dan kelakuan juga.
sering sekali akhir2 ini saya mengubah pikiran saya tentang segala hal yang mulai dari kecil hingga besar, saya ubah dengan a single snap! just like that.....

linglung...itu kata ibu saya.
kamu kenapa sih Wi??, tanya teman2 saya....

seriously, saya hanya bisa berkata: NOTHING. nothing is wrong. hanya fase. fase yang ingin saya lewati. sendiri saya... well... ditemani beberapa lagu yang encouraging sekali...

I stare at my reflection in the mirror:
"Why am I doing this to myself?"
Losing my mind on a tiny error,
I nearly left the real me on the shelf.
No, no, no, no, no...

Don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars!
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It's okay not to be okay.
Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart.
Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,
Just be true to who you are!

Brushing my hair, do I look perfect?
I forgot what to do to fit the mold, yeah!
The more I try the less it's working, yeah
'Cause everything inside me screams
No, no, no, no, no...

Don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars!
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It's okay not to be okay.
Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart.
But tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,
There's nothing wrong with who you are!

Yes, no's, egos, fake shows, like WHOA!
Just go, and leave me alone!
Real talk, real life, good love, goodnight,
With a smile, that's my home!
That's my home, no...

No, no, no, no, no...
Don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars!
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It's okay not to be okay...
Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart.
Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,
Just be true to who you are!
Yeah yeah yeah

thank you mbak Jessie J!!!
nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

Monday, October 24, 2011

The concept of future...

Ok. Waktu kita masih kecil, entah dengan kalian bagaimana.... Tapi saya pernah dan mungkin cukup sering ditanya: "cita-citanya apa??" atau "kalau besar mau jadi apa?"...
Do you get asked that questions too?
Trus pertanyaan saya, kalian jawab apa?

Saat pertanyaan-pertanyaan seperti itu terlontar kepada saya yang masih oh-so-innocent dan masih muda, belia.... Alangkah mudahnya kita menjawab dengan mengutarakan berbagai profesi yang kita inginkan. Kita kagumi.
With soo little knowledge what so ever of what exactly that profesion does, we just dying to be one!
Now that I think of it, it's pretty funny yet somewhat make sense.
Duluu, saya ingin sekali jadi presiden, dokter, pramugari, insinyur..... *raise your hands if you have been there too*
Indah yaa? Harapan Dan cita2 seorang anak kecil polos yang tabu sebegitu dikitnya akan dunia Dan the whole concept of the future itself.

As we grow older, Saat pertanyaan seperti itu terlontar lagi kepada kita, they expect us to already know the answer...and not just a dumb random answer as we gave before.
How would you reply???
Saya berani bertaruh jawaban2 anda pasti sedikit banyak dipengaruhi "jalan" jalur pendidikan yang saat itu kita tempuh, betul tidak??
That's when reality catches you up... Dammit! The concept of the future is no longer a concept after all!

Boleh tidak saya jawab: "saya tidak tahu". Biar saya selesaikan dulu sekolah saya, then I'll get back on you..... 

Fast forward to the exact turning point of your life where the so-called concept of the future is finally here. Say you're graduating, does your future job will be your "cita-cita"??
Or you looking for a job, that's not just a "job", but a carrier, since you want to fulfill that "cita-cita"???

Berapa banyak dari kalian that actually, eventually be what you wanna be when asked that infamous question??
Not to be skeptical, but unless you're the president, chances are you ought to settle to that bitter concept of reality, where not quite exactly what you want to do with your life, but you do it anyway.....

I like what bella's friend in the Twilight movies saga said about this concept, during her valedictorian speech.... It's pretty much sums up my answer when people ask me "that" question..... She said: "who the hell knows!??"

Cool huh?
So the concept of the future itself is not ours to decide...but to keep figure out! Make mistakes, take the wrong choices and made all the wrong decision will ultimately tells us at least, vaguely about our own future to take.
It's not written yet, but you should start doodling around for it! 

What was I going to share? Oo yeah.... The bitter sweet turn out of the future...hey, at least for me!
Things don't work out the way I want it, breakdown? Losing hope? Frustrated? Feeling worthless? Hell to the YEAH....
But when you at the bottom it's kinda easier to bounce back, redeem yourself and back with a vengeance 

Yang penting harus ikhlas, sabar, legowo Dan terus berusaha....mumpung masih muda! 



nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

Friday, October 21, 2011

What's up world?

Sooo, what are you guys been up to??
I've been doing lots and lots of thinking about.... Well nearly everything!
So here's what I found!

Life's sucks!! Big time!
You don't get what you wish for, you got something better, sometime. but most of the time it's just plain sucks....

What's in it for me?
Valuable life lessons...
Learning.
Growing.
Changing.

For the better? I hope not!
I'll take me the way I am all the time.
I don't think I want to change anything in my life. Thank you.


nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

…and I’m still here!


I realize that once you get older, wiser…you will (and must) have developed the sense of assessing yourself. Whether it’s about the so-called outside stuff, or should I say the exterior? 
Like you know what looks good on you and what’s not. In terms of clothing perhaps, shoes, bags….well, what can I say? I’m a girl… 
or your weight. Sensitive topic. Let’s move on, shall we?

and then, in my theory… there’s also the interior part of assessing yourself. 
Now, for me it kinda indicate your level of maturity, isn’t it? Well, it’s rhetoric anyway… 

so, have you been able to assess yourself? I prefer the word assess since it feels more suitable for me…I hate the idea of judging yourself! It’s like giving score…..when in fact, life is not game. Or, is it?? 

What are you? 

What makes you, YOU? 

What’s unique about you?

How would you describe yourself?

Me? I’d rather be someone else for a change, sometimes…. 
Living on the other side…sounds good to me, more than good in fact! 
But again and again I figure that I better off as myself…. I’ll take all the good…and bad. 
Especially the bad part… so, when do I have this so-called ‘revelation’ of wanting and actually fine with just being myself? I have absolutely no idea! Like I said, it comes and goes…. 
It still is.

Sometimes I want to be a different version of myself. Is that including as wanting to be someone else? 
I think there’s just soooo much idealism, theory etc etc about the so-called finding yourself, be who you are…. Who you wanna be! And blah blah blah… 
and what’s that suppose to mean for us, me, mere mortal in my path of finding myself??? 
Is it supposed to encourage us?  for me though? It’s not encouraging. It’s confusing!.... #damn

I know there several things about me I wish to change. Its bad things. I know. I have been told. 
But, will that makes less of what I am? Or simply makes a better version of me? Kill me now! Hahahahaa… seems I’ve said that a lot lately. 
Do I mean it literally? Or simply hypothetically speaking……you never know!

It’s frustrating to be me. It’s like I’m always struggling, even with myself. 
Do you ever feel the same? I just simply ask this to dead air in space…..

Sometimes I laugh, when inside I’m in pain. Cry.

Sometimes I’m angry, furious and just mad all the time…

Sometimes I like to be in the crowd, connecting with people, others.  Other time I tend to alienate myself and just shut down. Untouchable.

Sometimes I like to make them happy, I’m a people-pleaser…. But I need time for myself…

Suppress emotions kinda taking over me from time to time. Have you ever had that moment of ‘mental breakdown’?  I have……several in fact. It was not pretty. But I got a hold of it, and I stand strong, now to finally say I can see myself clearly….

Have you notice that after the tears wash away, your eyes can finally see at its most clear view???? 
In hypothetical speaking of course…but it works for me. 
So, I cry…. It show that you’re strong, instead of weakness. 
I cry from time to time, sometime for no reason at all…it just this relieve feeling that you able to cry. That’s it.


nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Aftermath: left-over and headache…


Sudah selesai the so called ‘holiday’!! well,it’s just freakin’ sucks…big time! Apa artinya liburan seminggu??? Alhamdulillah sih bisa break sebentar (and I mean BENER-BENER sebentar) dari rutinitas  harian yang (agak) gila……hmm atau Cuma saya yang gila yaahh?? *self talk*

Ok, lanjut. Kembali lagi 0-0 yaah… uda selesai nih maaf-maafannya? Silahturahmi? Kangen-kangenan, saying-sayangan *lho??* ngemil kuker-kuker juga kaan? *elus2 perut* *sighs*

Truss,,, apaan dong?? Lebaran emang selalu menyenangkan, FYI, saya mengedit naskah original yang (agak) tidak menyenangkan dari lebaran (masih kagum dan shock ngelus dada kalo dipikirin!). Buat saya sendiri aja deh!  Eniwei, menyenangkan ketemu keluarga, bisa kumpul-kumpul, catch up dan update kisah-kisah sama sepupu-sepupu dan oom, tante, pakde, bude, kakak, adek semua… yang enggak menyenangkan adalah bagian dimana kita sebagai tuan rumah yang kedatangan tamu, pastinya kudu bersih-bersih…. 

Well, I have nothing against doing your own cleaning routine koq! Bahkan kami tidak punya pembantu! You do your own chorus! It’s a must… tapi, untuk saat2 lebaran, entah kenapa it’s double the exhausted… katanya kita gak boleh nolak tamu tho? Tamu adalah rejeki, tamu adalah raja… yeah! Bite me.. capek banget juga rasanya, emang paling enak meng-alienasi diri dan keluarga dari invasi tamu2! *oops!

Saya bukan tipikal yang (agak) suka ngobrol lama2. Ngobrol dalam arti yang garink gitu lho yaa? Bayangin aja! Lama gak ketemu saudara, mau ngomong apa cobakk? Eerrr…. Banyak ya sebenarnya  :P tapi saya agak kaku, mungkin? Dan yang paling bisa interaksi seperti itu hanya ibu saya, ayah lebih pendiam.  Trus, setelah kedatangan tamu, yang kecil2 juga banyak! Sekarang saya sudah berganti peran. Since this was my first Lebaran being an employed person, giliran saya nih yang bagi2 angpao… tuh kan! Perannya udah ganti?? Lebaran uda gak se excited dulu (bukan hanya karena fakta bahwa sekarang saya yang bagian bagi2 amplop) tapi memang, now that I’m way older….saya menyimpulkan, untuk saya sendiri lho ya? Lebaran only fun when you’re a kid. Baju baru? Sepatu baru? Dapet banyak angpao… iya kan? Semua buat yang masih kecil aja, buat yang uda gede kayak saya, obligation awaits…
 
Ada minusnya gak sih dari tradisi lebaran bangsa kita? Kalo saya pribadi banyak, tapi biarlah itu buat saya aja. Ok, balik ke masalah bersih2 tadi! Tau gak sih anda2 kalo acara2 gosip di TV lokal (ini harus saya tekankan, LOKAL as in TV di Indonesia ONLY) isinya sama semua?? Cuma ngomongin seleb sholat, seleb kumpul keluarga dan silahturahmi, seleb berbagi ma anak yatim daaan, seleb besih-bersih!!
I mean, COME ON, people….. dunia emang udah mau kiamat yak kalo menonton personil mahadewi bersih-bersih rumah setelah ditinggal pembantu mudik aja adalah hal yang penting????!!!!!! Seberat ini saya akui, forgive my stupid mouth, tapi acara televisi Indonesia sangat sungguh bobrok sekali (dengan majas hiperbola). Kalo ada bapak2 petinggi televisi yang lihat, tambah bagus! Tolong ya! Edukasi bangsa kita ini….. *betapa saya rindu TV kabel*

Selama kurang lebih seminggu saya menjadi mere mortal, nonton TV lokal, bukan kermaksud sombong, tapi memang acara2 yang ditawarkan sangat ….apa ya? Yaaaa, kurang lebih sama semua laah! Apalagi nonton infotainment, bikin migren aje! Tapi bukan saya kalo gak bisa menertawakan keadaan dong! Rempong, artis bersih2 rumah aja semua pada heboh! Saya bersih2 rumah tiap hari, juga asik2 aja tuuuh! #eaaa

Hal positif…*self talk* sepertinya dari tadi saya complain mulu yak?? Ini radio juga gak seasyik dulu deh! *saya sambil dengerin radio, maaf* 
Enaknya lebaran? Banyak makanan! Tahun ini kami memutuskan gak ikut tradisi tradisional bikin ketupat dan sebangsanya, kami milih makanan yang agak gampang dan less santan… trus, banyak juga keluarga yang membawakan oleh2, jadi kulkas penuh, apalagi perut saya!! Hahahahah #sarcasm

Uda mulai habis waktu saya liburan… seminggu cepet banget yah? Sekarang nih baru terasa capeknya! Nyetir sendiri, bantuin ibu masak, nemenin tamu2, dkk dsb dll… puncaknya: migren. beneran! Liat tumpukan cucian, makin migren pula… kadang juga tambah pusing dengan pertanyaan2 sensitif seputar hidup yang selalu jadi pokok pembicaraan saat kumpul keluarga. Perlu konpres aja deh kayaknya? It’s just so funny how everyone seems to be very interested in our lives, isn’t it?  Oooh well, senjata saya, smile and run! :D

Jadi aftermathnya apa? Banyak makanan stacking up in the fridge, and a massive headache last night! Dengan sebutir parasetamol semalam ternyata cukup ampuh. Sekarang, however,  dengan fakta bahwa kurang dari 24 jam saya harus menghadapi rutinitas dan realitas kegilaan yang biasanya? 
Sepertinya saya perlu dosis lebih tinggi………*gigit jari* 


nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Lebaran! Takbiran dan layar tancap...

 takbiran....euy! takbiran..... akhirnyaaa ya Allah..... kami (saya dan semua yang merasakan keresahan gara2 menanti kepastian jatuhnya 1 syawal) bisa bernapas lega dan merayakan malam takbiran menuju esok datangnya: HARI KEMENANGAN..... alias IDUL FITRI... yey!
lega, senang bahagia...  it always feels like a special day for me. like somehow, the little girl inside me burst out in a sigh of relieve.... hahaha!

eniwei.... saya kan lagi berlokasi di kota wisata Batu for this Lebaran... malam takbiran di batu? well, ramai, as in any other small town, sangat2 meriah, sambil dengan banyak dimeriahkan oleh atraksi kembang api yang oh no amaziiing....#gazing nih saya lagi ngadem duduk2 di depan teras rumah sambil asyik ngelihat hebohnya langit malam yang berhiaskan indahnya kembang api.... (agak2 romantis lho!) #plakk (nyamuk koq...)
Truss? koq gak ikut takbiran??? nope! thank you! tadi siang aja pas saya kluar ngajak jalan2 sepupu, oops! lupa cerita...kami sudah kedatangan keluarga om dan tante yang kebetulan singgah sebentar ke rumah kami dalam perjalanan ke kampung mudik mereka. Daaaan, maceet gilakkk! #jambakrambut

Ok, ingat kemaren2 saya cerita kalo Batu bisa macet, yup! saya terjebak deh! akibat salah perhitungan, saya kembali dari jalan2 keliling kota Batu sama sepupu2 lewat depan komplek rumah, dan (have I mention komplek rumah saya SEBELAH PERSIS sama Jatim Park 2, Museum Satwa) alhasil saya kena macet! yaaah, emang hiburan di Batu emang berpusat di sekitar rumah saya siih.... Thus ceritanya kenapa saya gak ikutan konvoi turun takbiran.... MACET BO!!!!!!! yang penting esensinya ya tho??? #ngeles

Trus, truss... hari ini rumah kami udah ramai... karena kedatangan juga tante2 (2 orang), om sama sepupu saya yang paling muda: Dimas..... nih saya tunjukkin potonya si ganteng:


trusss.... emang dia tuh bintang deh! "gak ada loe, gak rame" beneran!!! *pinjem slogan*
sooo, hari2 kami di Batu makin asyik dan berwarna... senang memang kumpul sama keluarga... karena saya tipikal 'family man'.... hypothetically speaking... maka saya selalu mencherish kebersamaan dengan keluarga yang oh so precious ini....

Malam takbiran ini, saya habiskan di rumah saya, sambil asik godain si dedek sama 2 obsesi baru saya.. oooops! lupa lagi kan ceritaa... #tepokjidat
Saya punya obsesi baru lhooo, karena dari kmaren kagak ada kerjaan, saya dan kakak akhornya nekat beli kelinci dan memelihara mereka dalam rentang seminggu saja kami berlibur di batu ini... urusan nanti kembali ke kota dan rutinitas kegilaan kerja...aaah! ntar aja dipikirnya! :p

kami beli sepasang, kami beri nama Bugs and Lola.... *maaf, foto menyusul yaah? :D
sekarang? kami sekeluarga lagi asik mau nonton 'layar tancap' courtesy of oom saya yang oh so creative...takbiran? jalan teruss, kan yang penting esensinya... alhamdulilallah yaa masih bisa kumpul bareng2 menghangatkan badan bersama2 keluarga kumpul, tertawa, santai, bersendau gurau.... #sighs
and this is? PRICELESS.....

akhir kata nih ye? uda malam takbiran, esoknya? makanya eyke mo ngucapin juga:

Selamat Hari Raya Idul Fitri
1 Syawal 1432 H
Minal Aidzin Wal Faidzin
Maafin saya lahir bathin yaaaa???


nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Holiday!

Alhamdulilllah yaa.... *ketularan teman* #syahrinimode
Sudah datang waktu libur.... nyanyikan lagi Tasya...

Libur tlah tiba....
Libur tlah tiba...
hatiku gembiraaaa....

senang! akhirnya berakhir sejenak aktivitas dan kegilaan kerjaan di kantor. ternyata kenyataan dan fakta bahwa nightmare "membawa kerjaan pada saat liburan" cukup menjadi 'pecut' yang mantap buat saya menyegerakan kerjaan hingga titik darah deadline terakhir... #eaaa #alay

Sooooo, now, I'm free to live the holiday!! yey me!!! hahahaa...
asiik! Ramadhan dan mau abis nih... sedih? iya juga sih... karena Ramadhan kali ini miskin ibadahnya... *sighs* cuma dapet puasanya! nahan hasrat dan bersabar masih kuraaang banget! ibadah apalagi... payah memang saya ini. gak mau menyalahkan keadaan sih, tapi apa boleh baut! semoga tahun depan makin baik, amiiien!
Anyway... tibalah kita di penghujung bulan suci ini, artinyaa, Lebaraaan!! lebaran identik sama... mudik dan hal-hal seputarnya, tradisi-tradisi kita, feasting, perayaan, silahturahmi, THR, belanja-belanja *oops! yaaa begitulah kan?
Jadi, pada mudik kemana niih? momen2 ini memang yang paling ditunggu-tunggu mungkin ya? kebersamaan kumpul sama keluarga, asiknya berada di rumah dan meletakkan sejenak ke-hectic-an aktivitas manusiawi, hewani, duniawi, kimiawi...*halaah!

Saya dan keluarga juga sama. walau dalam keluarga saya sudah tidak ada 'tetua' atau 'yang dituakan' as in kakek nenek, both already deceased from mum's and dad's side of the family :(
Jadi, kami selalu membiasakan tradisi sungkem berempat saja (saja sekeluarga berempat) setelah itu makan santapan lebaran...*yummy* Mudik? kemana yaa? kampung saya aslinya (kalo merujuk pada kota kelahiran) di Muara Enim, Sumatra Selatan, dan hanya saya sendiri... ayah, ibu dan kakak asli kelahiran tanah Jawa. cuma saya yang'mental' sampai sono. Tapi, lhaa kagak ada keluarga disana!! Jadi, tahun ini, seperti tahun lalu, kami mengasingkan diri ke BATU.....


Kenapa kesini? simply because kami ada semacam rumah/villa/retreat house di Batu. menyenangkan! jauh dari kerumunan keramaian kota.... simplicity! *ciee*  nih rumah sayaa..... hehehe :))



Trus, mau ngapain disono? hahahahaa... kalo kamu termasuk manusia kota banget, pasti bakal jatuh mati kebosanan deh ke Batu, jangan harap ada mall, bioskop or tempat hang out yang high end seperti di kota2.... seperti saya bilang, Batu termasuk jauh dari keramaian *mikir* salah ding! ramai koq....tapi seasonal sih..seperti sekarang saat liburan dan mendekati lebaran..... all of the famous Batu recreational spots will be packed!!!
Yup! kota ini emang full sama hotspot2 wisata, kayak....


Jatim Park


Batu Night Spectacular (BNS)


Jatim Park 2 (museum satwa dan secret zoo)


Kusuma Agrowisata jugaa... (maaf, gambar saya kagak ada)

daan beberapa lokasi lain disekitarnya.... tempat paling ramai di batu? Alun-alun kota!!! menyenangkan sekali... bener2 R n' R kalo anda memilih berlibur di Batu....*gaya SPG*

Senang! meninggalkan hecticnya kota and just escape..... makanan, maaf tiba2 ngomongin topik ini, abis kepikiran... :p
Di Batu? enak2 koq.... jangan khawatir buat para penikmat kuliner, Batu will tingle your senses... kalo favorit saya? ala penyetan.... wader! enak bangeeets bangeeets... hahahahaa.... simple kan? told ya'!! :D
*wader=ikan kecil2, ikan aer tawar, dgoreng garing sama sambal dan lalapan... yum!*

Mau bakso? boleh... mark my word yah? Bakso paling enak tuh bakso malang/batu... enak, bersih, mangstabhh, makknyuss tenan pokoknyaaa...... >,<
lagian hal ini sudah dibuktikan secara fakta oleh ibu saya, yang notabene gak suka makan bakso, bisa habis 2 mangkok kok! (balapan ma sayaa...)

apalagi yaa? kok saya jadi keliatan banget promosinya Batu yaah? habis saya suka dan jatuh cinta sama kota ini... alhamdulillah yaa bapak dapet beli rumah disini.... lokasinya strategis pula! well, kecuali kalo pas libur, bisa macet gila depan komplek rumah, padahl rumah kami begitu dekatnya, tapi jadi lama karena kena macet. Batu bisa macet juga yaah? iyaaa donk! :P

eniwei, ini posting holideii pertama saya yaa... mumpung terinspirasi untuk menginspirasi anda2 sekalian berkunjung ke batu... masih capek siih abis nyetir non stop tadi... tapi pantatnya doang! #eaaa
kami berangkat abis sahur soo jalanan masih sepi, masih pada molor semua, jadi perjalanan SBY-Batu hanya ditempuh dalam waktu 2 jam, rata2 kecepatan mobil 60-100km/jam aja... sekarang ngapain donk?
HIBERNASI...
lanjutkan boboknya... adem, puasa, mau ngapain lagi cobak??? saya kan penganut hukun "tidur adalah ibadah"... :D

yawess..... udah mau penghujung nyawa nihh... *kliyep2*
ntar buka beli apa yaaa???

hahahahaa... sampai jumpa dan ejoy you holiday, people...... *oops! :D :D :D


nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Sebuah catatan absurd, is it love?? (1)


Mari kita rewind lagi salah satu momen hidup saya……ya, saya…maaf ini blog saya #eksis
Salah satu babak kehidupan saya yang paling dalam terukir adalah masa-masa yang saya habiskan di kota Jembatan Ampera. I grow fond and love to this city then……until now. Mengapa? Banyak sekali alasannya. Benar sekali kata-kata yang selalu terngiang dikepala saya, saat kita tutup satu lembaran hidup kita, lembar lain terbuka. Lembaran kosong untuk kita ukir lagi, peristiwa-peristiwa kehidupan.
Ketika saya dan keluarga pindah ke Palembang, saya sedang ditengah-tengah ujian nasional kelulusan SD (masih ingat episode si Nia?). Bukan timing yang ideal I tell you, pindah saat-saat menjelang ujian! Selain fakta bahwa nantinya kamu jadi kewalahan catching up pelajaran (untung2 kalo masih sama), susah adaptasi style sekolah yang baru plus guru-guru dan teman-teman baru, and on top of it……..kamu dapet nomor paliiing buncit buat nomor urut ujian! Alhasil saya selalu gak kebagian kertas ujian dan selalu minta (karena sekolah yang baru sudah ngeplot jumlah siswa, eh! Ketambahan saya deh). But it was fun sih! Hehee…
Saya hanya ‘mampir’ di SD selama kurang dari 6 bulan aja, sebelum akhirnya saya menyandang predikat siswi SMP, masih lanjut di SMP deket SD-nya. Masih menjajaki kehidupan di kota yang baru juga….*ciiieh! bahasanya*
Sekilas tentang kota Palembang. Apa yang terlintas di pikiran kamu mendengarnya? 

Pempek?



 Jembatan Ampera? 

Krupuk kemplang?

 Saya yakin diantaranya laah….. Duluuu, itu juga yang jadi bayangan saya. Sekarang, saat mengingat Palembang, ingatan saya terbang ke angan-angan yang lebih abstrak….*sambil masih ngiler juga inget pempeknya!*

Saya cinta kota ini, despite memori yang sudah saya punya, yang menyebabkan kedekatan batin saya dan orang-orang yang saya temui di kota ini. Saya mengingat kota ini memberikan masa-masa indah pula dalam hidup saya. And I’m proud of that….

Usia SMP masih culun gak sih? Terlalu naïf dan childish gak sih kalo saya bilang sekarang bahwa saya menemukan cinta? Apa sih cinta tuh, Wi’??? hehehee…. Saya milih tidak memberikan definisi tentang hal yang satu ini…simply because my blog won’t talk about love, specifically. Lhaaa, trus! Koq judulnya dan bahasannya cinta? Mencla mencle…..*oops!* Please see the bigger picture I’m trying to share,people!
Cinta yang ingin saya tuangkan hanyalah bagian dari the so called ‘penemuan’ jati diri yang terjadi pada saya……karena didalamnya saya belajar mencintai, dan saya merasakan cinta…..*ingat yah? Saya TIDAK memberi definisi*  

Saya senang menjadi saya pada masa-masa SMP. It was my glorious days….hahahaha *sombong* Saya termasuk siswa ‘A’ list, punya prestasi daaan si kapten basket yang yahud had a crush on me!!! Kami berteman awalnya. Kami juga satu SD. Mari kita sebut dia, Anto.
Where do I begin???? Was I ever in love with him? Then? I don’t know….. I wasn’t very good at expressing what I feel exactly….. I always do stupid things, opposite of what I truly feel.

Tentang dia…. 
How do I begin to describe him? 
We were first and foremost, friends. Saya dan dia berbeda…. 
Mengutip kata2nya, langit dan bumi. Who’s who? Well, you decide. 
Saya tipikal siswa yang biasa saja. Saat kami sama2 masuk SMP, saya menjadi (agak) luar biasa…. Saya termasuk siswa yang pandai, was involved in student bodies, yaah bisa dibilang saya A-list student. Berprestasi? Tentu.. keren dan gaul? Saya tidak yakin…. Masa2 itu kami belum mengenal social networking dkk-nya. Dia? Kurang lebih juga menonjol… let see, seingat saya dia atlet basket dan voli di sekolah, bersama saya juga dia di OSIS, circle of friends kami juga sama. That fling sudah cukup lama ada, teman2 saya dan dia mengatakan hal itu sudah rahasia public, kalo dia had a crush on me!
Kala itu saya biasa saja, play it cool, man! Tidak ada yang special dari hubungan pertemanan kami, but I must admit, dia…sangat perhatian pada saya. Hingga menjelang pertengahan masa SMP kami, makin kenceng kabar beredar kalo dia bakal nembak saya (teman2 nih yang heboh)!

Ok, detail? Saya masih sungguh sangat mengingatnya, seperti kisah2 cinta saya yang laen….*yeek,bahasanya!* Saat itu, kami satu kelompok dalam suatu tugas sekolah (tugas apa ini, saya lupa….) dan ya, kami sekelas…..(can you say awkward???) teman2 yang lain suka sekali mengerjakan PR, tugas dkk di rumah saya, so we did. Saya dan 2 teman lainnya, termasuk dia bertemu sore hari di rumah saya untuk janji mengerjakan tugas sekolah. Aman, semua berlangsung sesuai rencana. Makin sore, tugas selesai, teman2 siap pamit pulang dan oops! Hujan datang dengan derasnya….(sebenarnya sudah beberapa saat waktu kami masih asik ngerjain tugas sih….that part I forgot to mention). Heboh? Pasti, karena teman2 mengandalkan angkutan umum untuk pulang ke rumah (anak SMP kan gak punya SIM?). karena sudah agak sore, semua maksa pulang aja di tengah hujan yang lebat. Ok, saya putuskan mengantar mereka dari rumah sampai depan komplek rumah saya untuk mencegat angkot. Ojek payung? Yep! Ok, so ada 3 orang yang mau pulang. 2 teman saya, selfishly tanpa memikirkan dia, mengambil payung saya dan pamit pulang duluan. Tertinggalah si Anto…. Alone, tanpa ojek payung, kecuali saya mengantarnya. And I did…. I tell you, it was a bit romantic actually, hanya kami berdua, under the umbrella, talking over the pouring rain……*sighs* allow me to take a moment of silence to reminisce about it………………………………………………
And he was being a gentleman, holding the umbrella for me, besides the fact that he’s way taller than I am….. :P

We talk, we laugh… it was an intimate moment for the both of us… teman2 saya sudah jauh didepan, btw. Over our conversation, saya sudah merasa kalo dia mulai nyerempet2 topik romance and love and boyfriend etc etc… maybe I kinda knew it coming. Kami makin dekat, thanks to the rain, jalanan yang kami lalui juga makin habis, sampai akhirnya kami tiba di depan kompleks (jarak antara rumah saya dan depan komplek lumayan jauh). There was a brief moment of silence before he continues his previous sentence and end it with “kamu sama aku aja, Wi? Mau ya?”…….*can I get a cricket sound now?* *kriiik…kriiik…kriiiik*

Saat itu saya sama sekali tidak yakin itu adalah penembakan, saya juga tidak bertanya lagi karena (kok ya pas) datanglah angkot yang membawanya pulang. DAMN! Saya berdiri beberapa saat di pinggir jalan, memegang satu payung yang meneduhi saya di satu tangan, dan payung terlipat di tangan yang lain, trying to convinced myself that what I heard is true….. finally, saya out of the gazing moment dan berjalan balik pulang. It was a long walk home, I tell you! With lots to think about…. Sampai rumah, Hp saya berbunyi, tak lama setelah saya beres2 (hasil berantakan kerja kelompok kami), dan ya…dari si dia… isinya? Saya lupa tepatnya, yang jelas dia mengkonfirmasikan bahwa yang dikatakan tadi benar dan dia ingin jawaban…..
What did I say????......... what am I suppose to say? Crap! I hate this part….
 Maybe I should talk about food instead...... #tepokjidat



nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.