Wednesday, September 7, 2011

…and I’m still here!

I realize that once you get older, wiser…you will (and must) have developed the sense of assessing yourself. Whether it’s about the so-called outside stuff, or should I say the exterior? 
Like you know what looks good on you and what’s not. In terms of clothing perhaps, shoes, bags….well, what can I say? I’m a girl… 
or your weight. Sensitive topic. Let’s move on, shall we?

and then, in my theory… there’s also the interior part of assessing yourself. 
Now, for me it kinda indicate your level of maturity, isn’t it? Well, it’s rhetoric anyway… 

so, have you been able to assess yourself? I prefer the word assess since it feels more suitable for me…I hate the idea of judging yourself! It’s like giving score…..when in fact, life is not game. Or, is it?? 

What are you? 

What makes you, YOU? 

What’s unique about you?

How would you describe yourself?

Me? I’d rather be someone else for a change, sometimes…. 
Living on the other side…sounds good to me, more than good in fact! 
But again and again I figure that I better off as myself…. I’ll take all the good…and bad. 
Especially the bad part… so, when do I have this so-called ‘revelation’ of wanting and actually fine with just being myself? I have absolutely no idea! Like I said, it comes and goes…. 
It still is.

Sometimes I want to be a different version of myself. Is that including as wanting to be someone else? 
I think there’s just soooo much idealism, theory etc etc about the so-called finding yourself, be who you are…. Who you wanna be! And blah blah blah… 
and what’s that suppose to mean for us, me, mere mortal in my path of finding myself??? 
Is it supposed to encourage us?  for me though? It’s not encouraging. It’s confusing!.... #damn

I know there several things about me I wish to change. Its bad things. I know. I have been told. 
But, will that makes less of what I am? Or simply makes a better version of me? Kill me now! Hahahahaa… seems I’ve said that a lot lately. 
Do I mean it literally? Or simply hypothetically speaking……you never know!

It’s frustrating to be me. It’s like I’m always struggling, even with myself. 
Do you ever feel the same? I just simply ask this to dead air in space…..

Sometimes I laugh, when inside I’m in pain. Cry.

Sometimes I’m angry, furious and just mad all the time…

Sometimes I like to be in the crowd, connecting with people, others.  Other time I tend to alienate myself and just shut down. Untouchable.

Sometimes I like to make them happy, I’m a people-pleaser…. But I need time for myself…

Suppress emotions kinda taking over me from time to time. Have you ever had that moment of ‘mental breakdown’?  I have……several in fact. It was not pretty. But I got a hold of it, and I stand strong, now to finally say I can see myself clearly….

Have you notice that after the tears wash away, your eyes can finally see at its most clear view???? 
In hypothetical speaking of course…but it works for me. 
So, I cry…. It show that you’re strong, instead of weakness. 
I cry from time to time, sometime for no reason at all…it just this relieve feeling that you able to cry. That’s it.

nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

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