Wednesday, January 25, 2012

What should I call it?

Still very much alive with thoughts running wildly in my head.....and my heart!

Dilemma? Yes!
Confused? Absolutely!
Conflicted? Very very much...

But it's purely the reason that keeps us sane, grow continuously and always strive for the better and best.

I think, therefore I am...

nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

It's my life!

*just remember to post it*

Ok. It's around 08.43 PM, was when i wrote this post at a pretty much quite airport boarding lounge...

Time passes fast, instead of slow...
I vaguely watch faces around me..

Still bitter, heavy heart leaving for the Capital tonight, at this very night only!
Any other day I'd feel glad to do so!

What are they?

A turning point at a crossroads?
Yes they are to me now.

It's almost very cliche that I would say: " choices we make, define us", but they are.

*clock still ticking*
I waited in silence and above all in very little strength left...
There's an old gentleman sitting on my right. He waited there, anxiously. Clutching his coat.

To my right, another gentleman talking over the phone, loudly.

*glance at my watch* it's almost 08.55 PM. Our flight got called off. And my thoughts were:"could this be a sign??"

I guess rational thinking went out my window thoughts.
We tend to make believe, what we want to....

At that time, this afternoon I feel soo much more alone and conflicted and confused and burdened weighing me...

Where should I draw the line of must and must not??
Have and have not??

It's a no brainer for me at one point, but today was everything to do with what I am!

I can't leave it.
I won't leave it.
I have to...

I want this! And that!!
Am I being selfish???!??

What is there for me here??
What is there for me there??

*boarding call*

I'm clutching my ticket, blurry vision in my eyes...


I'm here.
I've made my choice.
I've changed it.
I made it again.

Here I am!
I'm answering to your call, dear God!

Let this be a good one.
It's hard and sooo much at stake to leave.
But I chose.
I weighing my options.
I consulted.
Im being responsible, at one point to those who trusted me and those who have faith in me...

But, above all... I made this choice, this responsibility for me.
It's my life??
It's my life.

No one but me to make those decisions.

I wanted to be there. But i want to be here more.
I love them, I grew fond to them. But I gotta start thinking for myself.

*lights went out in cabin*
As it went out in my eyes.
When I opened them, it'll tell me where I am.

nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

Friday, January 6, 2012

What I learned from Mr. Ripley

Ok... Ini antara penggalauan dini hari dan relevansinya dengan apa yang saya dapatkan dan simpulkan dari seorang Tom Ripley.

Malam ini saya baru saja menyaksikan, bahasa dramatisnya.... The Talented Mr. Ripley.

Yang bisa saya sampaikan, kesan yang paling 'mengena' buat saya dan yang paling menohok adalah fakta bahwa sekali kebohongan itu muncul, tidak ada cara kembali, tapi menimbun kebohongan yang satu dengan kebohongan yang lain. Lebih banyak. Lagi dan lagi. Hingga kebohongan itu menjadi hidupmu. Dan pada kasus Tom Ripley......

Those lies become his reality.

Lines are drawn, blurred and erase...
His lies bocomes his reality. And no more honestly or truth in his life.

In ways, Tom confuses about who he is, but is he???

I'm no psychology majored or a doctor whatsoever, but his defense kinda make sense to me.

No one thinks that they're a bad person.... We have our own point of view... (saya lupa quote yang sebenarnya)

Jadi? Ini kah justification dan pembenaran self concious dalam diri Tom?

Entah mengapa saya bisa memahami dia, apa yang dia rasakan, apa yang diinginkannya, ketakutannya dan everything in between...

Once you tell lies, there's no going back but making up another lies to cover what you've said or done before. This require a highly great talent and mind.

Because its extremely hard and excruciating to think of and made up new stories, events, name, person or places each time you need to 'adjust' those new 'reality' you created.

If you're a forgetful person, then it's an indication that you're not a really good liar :P

Tom was portraited in a very very ambiguous sex orientation... Which actually allows him to gain trust by 'seducing' pretty much anyone, male or female. Though towards the end, Tom kisses Meredith..... I strongly believe that he's actually gay and was in love with Peter.

This theory I came up in the way Tom kill Peter. Dickie was beat up in the head until died, Miles was also pretty much the same.... In my opinion (tidak mengacu pada teori manapun) ugly deaths and that style of murdering a person shows anger, while in Peter's case, he was strangle till suffocate to die. This shows a much gentler and caring gesture.
In short....


It's hard having that much of a 'talent', not to mention his unstable mind really fuels up his disorder behaviors.

Lesson learned, in plain most obvious language is that:

Lying is exhausting! Not to mention how you need to accurately connect one lies to another to cover the next and next...
and when it becomes your reality, then you're screw.

you loose who you are.
You never ever feel safe, always looking after your shoulder, afraid to get caught in the web you sewn... Thus, it's a lonely life.
No loved ones.
No reality to grip and hold on to.
No more peace.
No sincerety in your life.
No more you...

But why? Why would Tom do that? Doing every single thing he did.... Tortured himself to build lies and more lies, playing those roles, being everyone???!???!!

I can relate.

Rumput tetangga lebih hijau.

He wants Dickie Greenleaf life. All the money, wealth and life style...

But I said it again. I can relate.

If you were given the chance to trade your life to someone else's that's waaaaay much more better of heck! just to have a 'better' version of your life??? What would you do?

If you had half of Tom's talent, I'm quite certain you will at least consider it, right?

The idea of trading one's life to other is just beyond my theory! Because I feel that way most times....

But then again... Having your life, the real you is way more fun...more of the challenges...all the drama and stuff and good and bad things. All those laugh and tears. Anger and joy...

They're genuinely mine.

Sooo, I've had an ephyphany!

Lies, as good as it is? They will be ugly and bad... And if you're willing to exhaust yourself to please those 'lies' then you'll end up alone.

Chasing whatever you're chasing alone. Tortured by your made-up reality you call life.

Me? The truth will serves me well.
No more to be said.
Being me, as terrible as I am..... I wouldn't wanna trade my life to anyone else's.

Like I said, I'll say it again.

It's NOT a beautiful life, but it's mine.

More about Mr. Ripley.....

nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

My plea...

Oooh dear god!!
Sakiiiit sekali rasanya...

Kepada siapa saya bisa tumpahkan rasa ini ya Allah...
Betapa sakit dan sesak mendesak dan sungguh perih rasa ini.

nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.