It's been.... I honestly don't know how long since my last blog post. No specific reason, of course, you know....reasons like my computer broke, I can't get an Internet connection or other technical stuff that really contribute towards the essential 'why' I never posted any blog.
In my defense, I've actually really had nothing to say... When ironically on the other hand, I've soooo much to share! Everything! Nothing comes out though.
Dammit! Maybe I'm not a well gifted writer, that easily put words into words, describing things in the most oh so sophisticated words and phrases, none the less writers that have the ability of creating a single universes all in his/her wonderful minds.
This brings me to the idea of having the opportunity to be able to travel in a small crew.
So, what was I saying??
Damn! Not not maybe. It's something I don't really feel that I have those ability, shall we call it that instead of gift.
Writing is something so new to me, odd, sometime fun... other time its a constant struggle just to be able to find a single best suitable word! I'm not even good at writing in my native Indonesia language! Dammit!!!
I'm talking (writing) nonsense, huh!??
I blame the inner Aquarius personality in me.
Yes, people... I have been studying and finding out about me. My own self and the journey of so called pursuit of personality in search of a true happiness...
Assessing yourself is one way to do so. On my case, I don't share, I prefer not to talk about it, my problems, how I feel, what I feel... I don't bother sharing it.
Even when people ask and push me to talk about it and spill.. I stand my ground.
Some thinks I just shut down myself, some thinks I'm proud or too proud to talk, other thinks I'm not a good friend, since I don't want to share...
Here's what I thought,
in my defense, I don't want to bother someone, the person that is insignificant in my life to share that I think, my problems, my life! The bad and shitty part of it! Is that so arrogant? If it is then i'll take the blame!
It's just hard to talk and share what other demand out of me when most of the time I myself still trying to figure what's actually wrong (with me)??
Have you ever cry so hard you're getting hard to breathe for NO reason at all?? You just burst in to tears all of the sudden...
Or have you had this rush of grudge and hatred and anger that you just want to scream your lungs out!???
Perhaps you do stupid things cause you though it'll make you feel better??
Sometimes having a massive headache and constant feeling in your guts of emotions??
Why is that?
Why is these things happening?
I'm sure can't explain it to myself...and I don't expect any explanation from someone else.
Perhaps it's very wrong in a lot of ways. I'm sure psycholog and mental health doctors would reccomend you go 'talk' about it.
Problem is: I don't wanna talk.....
It's my own inner conflicts. Issues. Problems. Heaven. and hell of my own. I'll figure it out. Myself.
So next time you ask 'what's wrong?'and I just stood there wanting so badly trying to talk and share it with you then nothing happen???
It's because I cant put it in words...
Maybe talking about it and share it would make it easier, lighter for me? The way I see it? It doesn't....
There's beauty in an ironic ways of how I have everything and nothing to say at the same time...
nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.