I'll take a really long sighs before i wrote this.....
Belakangan, saya tidak tahu, honestly apa yang ingin saya'ungkapkan' 'keluarkan' atau 'tumpahkan' dalam blog empunya saya ini.. Benar!
Jikapun yang saya tulis sebelumnya it's just a merely nyampah, uneg2 dan hal yang lebih terkesan sebagai suatu luapan amarah atau kekesalan...
Nonetheless, no one ever told me what is a blog suppose to do for you anyway!
Seorang....teman pernah bilang kalo memang ngeblog itu fungsinya ya itu! 'itu' yang dia maksud saya sebenarnya juga kurang paham benar. Karena obrolan kami memang loosely based on nothing dan tibalah obrolan blog ini (FYI, bukan saya yg mengangkat topik ini ke permukaan lho)
Anyhow...
Typical saya adalah suka mencampur banyak hal dalam pikiran, atau banyak hal yang dipikir? Atau juga mikirin banyak hal at the sane time, all at once.
That's the beauty of a human mind...
Saat itu, mungkin saya memang butuh 'bicara' dalam arti sebenar dan juga konotasi, as in ada pengertian dari obrolan itu...
Apa yang ingin saya sampaikan?
Banyak!
Semua hal itu yang terjejalkan penuh dan sempit di sela-sela lorong pikiran saya! 1001 hal dan selebihnya yang menghantui pikiran saya, hal-hal yang secara randomly just 'pops' in my head!!!
Lalu hening.
Saat ada pihak-pihak yang ingin menawarkan telinganya untuk mendengar apa yang ingin sampaikan itu, saya yang terdiam.
Tida ada yang tersampaikan. Kalaupun ada, pasti tidak seperti mental image saya yang tersampaikan.
Sulit sekali bagi saya menumpahkan apa yang saya pikirkan itu!
Saya coba, tentunya!
Namun penyampaiannya tak sama. Penangkapan dan persepsi mereka berbeda.
Maybe it's a good thing...
You gained other point of views.
But what if i dont want them to?
I just wanna let them see the way I see it, feel the way I do! Exactly...
Just share it.
To them!
Not with them...
Salah banget yaa???
Kalo apa yang saya pikir ini bisa disimpan dalam flash drive, diputar dengan proyektor, so everyone could see it, i dont have to explain myself....
Tapi saya rasa tidak seperti itu kehidupan yang ada. Yang saya jalani.
Mungkin memang harus membiasakan diri.
Tapi...
Saya selalu menjadi merasa there's no point in talking about it!
It's mine,
my thoughts, every bad and worse....
and if anyone will see it and find a way through it, it's gonna be me and no one else!
Dan saya akan politely bertanya pada anda, bagaimana?
What do you think of me?
What about My thoughts?
Diantara sebegitu banyaknya Hal yang berjubel di pikiran saya, adalah hal-hal yang saya terus berusaha mencari tahu dalam hidup ini...
Ada begitu banyak sisi dari seseorang, dalam arti kepribadian atau personality yang dia punya...
Hal ini yang sangat saya yakini menjadi awal pikiran-pikiran saya, diantaranya...
Yah...mungkin Hal klise seperti the so-called pencarian jati diri blah....blah....blah!
Tapi buat saya itu menjadi bahan introspeksi diri yang oh-so-fucked-damn-you!!!
*pardon the language*
Ada sisi saya yang semua orang bisa tahu hanya melihat dan sebentar saja spend time sama saya...
Kamu nilai saya dari sisi itu.
Hingga sampai pada sisi yang sudah begitu sering kamu liat dari saya...
Tapi belum cukup sebegitu dalam kamu tahu..
I assume that how well you know people does not measured by the amount of time you know that person or how well....
It's through an understanding of character.
Hard to do.
Rarely done....close to none!
Even your family, siblings or all blood relatives you had might not know you to the very best of you!
This is probably why you never know a person you know exactly.
I genuinely believe that!
For me? You only see the side of me I wanted you to see. At first I'll be nice and all those good quality, then judgment came.
You 'assume' that that side you know is all me, you began to feel reluctant and unsure if that is me when I show you my other side that shall we say not the best quality side of me....
What happened then??
When you don't prepare some bits of understanding that there's actually sides of a person you (think) know, there's no more of you and me!
Coz I fear that you might runaway when you see sides of me you don't like...
It's unfair, is it?
It works both ways, vice versa.
Intinya yaah.... No judgement please!
It hurts really when you 'assume' someone a certain way that they, probably not, but you made your mind anyway since that's what you see in them...
What if that's the side of me I wanted you to see?
What if I'm still in pretty much blur of who I am?
Or simply I just cant bring myself and behave properly the way I truly am?
What if I'm having a really bad day, so much burden in mind and just simply being unable to put a single smile off my sorrow and pain??
What if....
There's too much of it!
What you gonna do?
I'll let you know how I feel, what I want...
Don't judge, people...
That's just mean!... and judgement without knowing is just plain cruel and sad!
Understand.
Or at least keep in mind that not everyday is a good day for everybody. Not everybody ya!
For some people day to day activities and everything that comes along with it is a constant struggle...
Respect them!
Put yourself in their shoes.
Maybe it's not a perfect beautiful life for them...
Life shapes you in more ways you can imagine.
Those invisible hands of faith, coincidences, circumstances, chances, changes and everything in between have given their mark in the lives they touch.
So has mine.
Now I know better not to judge.
People see what they want to see.
Sometimes they understand and able to comply...
Others...?? Not so much!
Thus, ignorance came.
It hurts and just plain sad to have ignored for just being who you are, show your other side..
I know.
I've been there...
Try and try...understand.
Try to be in my shoes.
I may not show the 'me', real me with all those sides of feelings, emotions and personality that I have yet, but just know and understand that I do have a bad day sometimes...
My life is far beyond perfect!
Nonetheless beautiful.... But it's mine!
With every ups and downs that happen, life lessons learned, stumbles and obstacles I've been through and yet to come.....
I'm glad.
Cos they're all mine and they shaped me the person i am now.
And I don't mind.
Judge me!
Understand me!
Have it what you want....
There's gonna be a silver lining or a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow.
I'm still waiting.
Belajar berintrospeksi diri.
Hanya itu.
Menempatkan diri Dan membawa diri.
Biar orang menilai.
Biar orang bicara.
Sekali lagi, ini Semata-mata pandangan saya dalam hal.
Stuff in my head.
I don't preach...
Melihat satu hal yang selalu saya pikir itu...
Masih banyak selebihnya...
Tapi yang saya punya hanya sekurang-kurangnya saja.
Understanding. Without judgment.
You don't alway get what you want, compromise!
Have it your way to see it!
But if you truly care for that person, you'll wait and just be patience until they're ready to reveal those sides and drop the masquerade...
Just remember:
Talking can change your feeling,
But action can actually change your whole world.
nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.
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