Hello God, are you there?

It's been.... I honestly don't know how long since my last blog post. No specific reason, of course, you know....reasons like my computer broke, I can't get an Internet connection or other technical stuff that really contribute towards the essential 'why' I never posted any blog.

In my defense, I've actually really had nothing to say... When ironically on the other hand, I've soooo much to share! Everything! Nothing comes out though.
Dammit! Maybe I'm not a well gifted writer, that easily put words into words, describing things in the most oh so sophisticated words and phrases, none the less writers that have the ability of creating a single universes all in his/her wonderful minds.

This brings me to the idea of having the opportunity to be able to travel in a small crew.
So, what was I saying??

Damn! Not not maybe. It's something I don't really feel that I have those ability, shall we call it that instead of gift.
Writing is something so new to me, odd, sometime fun... other time its a constant struggle just to be able to find a single best suitable word! I'm not even good at writing in my native Indonesia language! Dammit!!!

I'm talking (writing) nonsense, huh!??
I blame the inner Aquarius personality in me.

Yes, people... I have been studying and finding out about me. My own self and the journey of so called pursuit of personality in search of a true happiness...
Assessing yourself is one way to do so. On my case, I don't share, I prefer not to talk about it, my problems, how I feel, what I feel... I don't bother sharing it.
Even when people ask and push me to talk about it and spill.. I stand my ground.
Some thinks I just shut down myself, some thinks I'm proud or too proud to talk, other thinks I'm not a good friend, since I don't want to share...

Here's what I thought,
in my defense, I don't want to bother someone, the person that is insignificant in my life to share that I think, my problems, my life! The bad and shitty part of it! Is that so arrogant? If it is then i'll take the blame!

It's just hard to talk and share what other demand out of me when most of the time I myself still trying to figure what's actually wrong (with me)??

Have you ever cry so hard you're getting hard to breathe for NO reason at all?? You just burst in to tears all of the sudden...

Or have you had this rush of grudge and hatred and anger that you just want to scream your lungs out!???

Perhaps you do stupid things cause you though it'll make you feel better??

Sometimes having a massive headache and constant feeling in your guts of emotions??
Why is that?
Why is these things happening?
I'm sure can't explain it to myself...and I don't expect any explanation from someone else.

Perhaps it's very wrong in a lot of ways. I'm sure psycholog and mental health doctors would reccomend you go 'talk' about it.
Problem is: I don't wanna talk.....
It's my own inner conflicts. Issues. Problems. Heaven. and hell of my own. I'll figure it out. Myself.

So next time you ask 'what's wrong?'and I just stood there wanting so badly trying to talk and share it with you then nothing happen???
It's because I cant put it in words...

Maybe talking about it and share it would make it easier, lighter for me? The way I see it? It doesn't....

There's beauty in an ironic ways of how I have everything and nothing to say at the same time...


nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

lagi METAL...

oke..... berhubung lagi METAL a.k.a mellow total! *pinjem hashtag salah satu station radio Surabaya* ditambah suasana kantor yang eh sangat  mendukung karena bos-bos pada kagak ada! (yipiii!!!) dan juga dapet paket internetan gratis UNLIMITED seminggu ini, soooooo.......

Here We Go!
saya gak kepengen ngomong banyak sih, cuma memang sepertinya saya sedang sungguh sangat labil. emotionally speaking... mood swing berubah2, keinginan dan kelakuan juga.
sering sekali akhir2 ini saya mengubah pikiran saya tentang segala hal yang mulai dari kecil hingga besar, saya ubah dengan a single snap! just like that.....

linglung...itu kata ibu saya.
kamu kenapa sih Wi??, tanya teman2 saya....

seriously, saya hanya bisa berkata: NOTHING. nothing is wrong. hanya fase. fase yang ingin saya lewati. sendiri saya... well... ditemani beberapa lagu yang encouraging sekali...

I stare at my reflection in the mirror:
"Why am I doing this to myself?"
Losing my mind on a tiny error,
I nearly left the real me on the shelf.
No, no, no, no, no...

Don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars!
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It's okay not to be okay.
Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart.
Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,
Just be true to who you are!

Brushing my hair, do I look perfect?
I forgot what to do to fit the mold, yeah!
The more I try the less it's working, yeah
'Cause everything inside me screams
No, no, no, no, no...

Don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars!
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It's okay not to be okay.
Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart.
But tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,
There's nothing wrong with who you are!

Yes, no's, egos, fake shows, like WHOA!
Just go, and leave me alone!
Real talk, real life, good love, goodnight,
With a smile, that's my home!
That's my home, no...

No, no, no, no, no...
Don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars!
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It's okay not to be okay...
Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart.
Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,
Just be true to who you are!
Yeah yeah yeah

thank you mbak Jessie J!!!
nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

The concept of future...

Ok. Waktu kita masih kecil, entah dengan kalian bagaimana.... Tapi saya pernah dan mungkin cukup sering ditanya: "cita-citanya apa??" atau "kalau besar mau jadi apa?"...
Do you get asked that questions too?
Trus pertanyaan saya, kalian jawab apa?

Saat pertanyaan-pertanyaan seperti itu terlontar kepada saya yang masih oh-so-innocent dan masih muda, belia.... Alangkah mudahnya kita menjawab dengan mengutarakan berbagai profesi yang kita inginkan. Kita kagumi.
With soo little knowledge what so ever of what exactly that profesion does, we just dying to be one!
Now that I think of it, it's pretty funny yet somewhat make sense.
Duluu, saya ingin sekali jadi presiden, dokter, pramugari, insinyur..... *raise your hands if you have been there too*
Indah yaa? Harapan Dan cita2 seorang anak kecil polos yang tabu sebegitu dikitnya akan dunia Dan the whole concept of the future itself.

As we grow older, Saat pertanyaan seperti itu terlontar lagi kepada kita, they expect us to already know the answer...and not just a dumb random answer as we gave before.
How would you reply???
Saya berani bertaruh jawaban2 anda pasti sedikit banyak dipengaruhi "jalan" jalur pendidikan yang saat itu kita tempuh, betul tidak??
That's when reality catches you up... Dammit! The concept of the future is no longer a concept after all!

Boleh tidak saya jawab: "saya tidak tahu". Biar saya selesaikan dulu sekolah saya, then I'll get back on you..... 

Fast forward to the exact turning point of your life where the so-called concept of the future is finally here. Say you're graduating, does your future job will be your "cita-cita"??
Or you looking for a job, that's not just a "job", but a carrier, since you want to fulfill that "cita-cita"???

Berapa banyak dari kalian that actually, eventually be what you wanna be when asked that infamous question??
Not to be skeptical, but unless you're the president, chances are you ought to settle to that bitter concept of reality, where not quite exactly what you want to do with your life, but you do it anyway.....

I like what bella's friend in the Twilight movies saga said about this concept, during her valedictorian speech.... It's pretty much sums up my answer when people ask me "that" question..... She said: "who the hell knows!??"

Cool huh?
So the concept of the future itself is not ours to decide...but to keep figure out! Make mistakes, take the wrong choices and made all the wrong decision will ultimately tells us at least, vaguely about our own future to take.
It's not written yet, but you should start doodling around for it! 

What was I going to share? Oo yeah.... The bitter sweet turn out of the future...hey, at least for me!
Things don't work out the way I want it, breakdown? Losing hope? Frustrated? Feeling worthless? Hell to the YEAH....
But when you at the bottom it's kinda easier to bounce back, redeem yourself and back with a vengeance 

Yang penting harus ikhlas, sabar, legowo Dan terus berusaha....mumpung masih muda! 



nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.