The concept of future...

Ok. Waktu kita masih kecil, entah dengan kalian bagaimana.... Tapi saya pernah dan mungkin cukup sering ditanya: "cita-citanya apa??" atau "kalau besar mau jadi apa?"...
Do you get asked that questions too?
Trus pertanyaan saya, kalian jawab apa?

Saat pertanyaan-pertanyaan seperti itu terlontar kepada saya yang masih oh-so-innocent dan masih muda, belia.... Alangkah mudahnya kita menjawab dengan mengutarakan berbagai profesi yang kita inginkan. Kita kagumi.
With soo little knowledge what so ever of what exactly that profesion does, we just dying to be one!
Now that I think of it, it's pretty funny yet somewhat make sense.
Duluu, saya ingin sekali jadi presiden, dokter, pramugari, insinyur..... *raise your hands if you have been there too*
Indah yaa? Harapan Dan cita2 seorang anak kecil polos yang tabu sebegitu dikitnya akan dunia Dan the whole concept of the future itself.

As we grow older, Saat pertanyaan seperti itu terlontar lagi kepada kita, they expect us to already know the answer...and not just a dumb random answer as we gave before.
How would you reply???
Saya berani bertaruh jawaban2 anda pasti sedikit banyak dipengaruhi "jalan" jalur pendidikan yang saat itu kita tempuh, betul tidak??
That's when reality catches you up... Dammit! The concept of the future is no longer a concept after all!

Boleh tidak saya jawab: "saya tidak tahu". Biar saya selesaikan dulu sekolah saya, then I'll get back on you..... 

Fast forward to the exact turning point of your life where the so-called concept of the future is finally here. Say you're graduating, does your future job will be your "cita-cita"??
Or you looking for a job, that's not just a "job", but a carrier, since you want to fulfill that "cita-cita"???

Berapa banyak dari kalian that actually, eventually be what you wanna be when asked that infamous question??
Not to be skeptical, but unless you're the president, chances are you ought to settle to that bitter concept of reality, where not quite exactly what you want to do with your life, but you do it anyway.....

I like what bella's friend in the Twilight movies saga said about this concept, during her valedictorian speech.... It's pretty much sums up my answer when people ask me "that" question..... She said: "who the hell knows!??"

Cool huh?
So the concept of the future itself is not ours to decide...but to keep figure out! Make mistakes, take the wrong choices and made all the wrong decision will ultimately tells us at least, vaguely about our own future to take.
It's not written yet, but you should start doodling around for it! 

What was I going to share? Oo yeah.... The bitter sweet turn out of the future...hey, at least for me!
Things don't work out the way I want it, breakdown? Losing hope? Frustrated? Feeling worthless? Hell to the YEAH....
But when you at the bottom it's kinda easier to bounce back, redeem yourself and back with a vengeance 

Yang penting harus ikhlas, sabar, legowo Dan terus berusaha....mumpung masih muda! 



nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

What's up world?

Sooo, what are you guys been up to??
I've been doing lots and lots of thinking about.... Well nearly everything!
So here's what I found!

Life's sucks!! Big time!
You don't get what you wish for, you got something better, sometime. but most of the time it's just plain sucks....

What's in it for me?
Valuable life lessons...
Learning.
Growing.
Changing.

For the better? I hope not!
I'll take me the way I am all the time.
I don't think I want to change anything in my life. Thank you.


nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

…and I’m still here!

I realize that once you get older, wiser…you will (and must) have developed the sense of assessing yourself. Whether it’s about the so-called outside stuff, or should I say the exterior? 

Like you know what looks good on you and what’s not. In terms of clothing perhaps, shoes, bags….well, what can I say? I’m a girl… 

or your weight. Sensitive topic. Let’s move on, shall we?

and then, in my theory… there’s also the interior part of assessing yourself. 

Now, for me it kinda indicate your level of maturity, isn’t it? Well, it’s rhetoric anyway… 

so, have you been able to assess yourself? I prefer the word assess since it feels more suitable for me…I hate the idea of judging yourself! It’s like giving score…..when in fact, life is not game. Or, is it?? 

What are you? 

What makes you, YOU? 

What’s unique about you?

How would you describe yourself?

Me? I’d rather be someone else for a change, sometimes…. 

Living on the other side…sounds good to me, more than good in fact! 

But again and again I figure that I better off as myself…. I’ll take all the good…and bad. 

Especially the bad part… so, when do I have this so-called ‘revelation’ of wanting and actually fine with just being myself? I have absolutely no idea! Like I said, it comes and goes…. 

It still is.

Sometimes I want to be a different version of myself. Is that including as wanting to be someone else? 

I think there’s just soooo much idealism, theory etc etc about the so-called finding yourself, be who you are…. Who you wanna be! And blah blah blah… 

and what’s that suppose to mean for us, me, mere mortal in my path of finding myself??? 

Is it supposed to encourage us?  for me though? It’s not encouraging. It’s confusing!.... #damn

I know there several things about me I wish to change. Its bad things. I know. I have been told. 

But, will that makes less of what I am? Or simply makes a better version of me? Kill me now! Hahahahaa… seems I’ve said that a lot lately. 

Do I mean it literally? Or simply hypothetically speaking……you never know!

It’s frustrating to be me. It’s like I’m always struggling, even with myself. 

Do you ever feel the same? I just simply ask this to dead air in space…..

Sometimes I laugh, when inside I’m in pain. Cry.

Sometimes I’m angry, furious and just mad all the time…

Sometimes I like to be in the crowd, connecting with people, others.  Other time I tend to alienate myself and just shut down. Untouchable.

Sometimes I like to make them happy, I’m a people-pleaser…. But I need time for myself…

Suppress emotions kinda taking over me from time to time. Have you ever had that moment of ‘mental breakdown’?  I have……several in fact. It was not pretty. But I got a hold of it, and I stand strong, now to finally say I can see myself clearly….

Have you notice that after the tears wash away, your eyes can finally see at its most clear view???? 

In hypothetical speaking of course…but it works for me. 

So, I cry…. It show that you’re strong, instead of weakness. 

I cry from time to time, sometime for no reason at all…it just this relieve feeling that you able to cry. That’s it.

nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.