New found attitude!

Ok, soooo ternyata saya tidak segila itu....
Masih ada secercah sanity ternyata... Walo sebenarnya masih belum saya temukan untuk apa, siapa pula saya disini...

I just dont feel loved. Needed. Significant. Not much just enough to make me worth my while...

But, these things always comes to me. Constantly now. I know...

Itu...sudah jadi sahabat saya. Galau....dan segala perasaan paling jelek dan down se-down2nya!..

Hingga that moment if ephiphany comes..

Percaya entah tidak, saviour saya bukan orang yang dekat, mengenal saya.
Pahlawan saya itu mereka yanghave absolutely had no idea who i am!.. Thru their work, music, words and melody.

Yes, music saves me...

I found refugee and sanctuary in the words of encouragement of them.
In ways that is somewhat impossible to believe yet it is soo much more relateable than you know, lyrics of those music really knew me, my emotions and what i went through...

Like right now, though i wanted to say ignorance is my best friend, a more suitable words came... It is litterally how I'm interpreting it...


You talk about life, you talk about death,
And everything in between,
Like it's nothing, and the words are easy....

You talk about me, and you talk about you,
And everything I do,
Like it's something, that needs repeating....

I don't need an alibi or for you to realize,
The things we left unsaid,
Are only taking space up in our head....

Make it my fault, win the game
Point the finger, place the blame
It does me up and down,
It doesn't matter now.

'Cause I don't care if I ever talk to you again.
This is not about emotion,
I don't need a reason not to care what you say, or what happened in the end.
This is my interpretation,
And it don't, don't make sense....!

The first two weeks turn into ten,
I hold my breath and wonder when it'll happen,
Does it really matter?

If half of what you said is true,
And half of what I didn't do could be different,
Would it make it better?

If we forget the things we know.
Would we have somewhere to go?

The only way is down, I can see that now....

It's really not such a sacrifice....

And it don't have to make no sense to you at all,
'Cause this is my interpretation, yeah, yeah, yeah....



nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.... With words of MIKA.

It's not a beautiful life, but it's mine....

I'll take a really long sighs before i wrote this.....

Belakangan, saya tidak tahu, honestly apa yang ingin saya'ungkapkan' 'keluarkan' atau 'tumpahkan' dalam blog empunya saya ini.. Benar!
Jikapun yang saya tulis sebelumnya it's just a merely nyampah, uneg2 dan hal yang lebih terkesan sebagai suatu luapan amarah atau kekesalan...

Nonetheless, no one ever told me what is a blog suppose to do for you anyway!
Seorang....teman pernah bilang kalo memang ngeblog itu fungsinya ya itu! 'itu' yang dia maksud saya sebenarnya juga kurang paham benar. Karena obrolan kami memang loosely based on nothing dan tibalah obrolan blog ini (FYI, bukan saya yg mengangkat topik ini ke permukaan lho)

Anyhow...

Typical saya adalah suka mencampur banyak hal dalam pikiran, atau banyak hal yang dipikir? Atau juga mikirin banyak hal at the sane time, all at once.

That's the beauty of a human mind...

Saat itu, mungkin saya memang butuh 'bicara' dalam arti sebenar dan juga konotasi, as in ada pengertian dari obrolan itu...

Apa yang ingin saya sampaikan?

Banyak!

Semua hal itu yang terjejalkan penuh dan sempit di sela-sela lorong pikiran saya! 1001 hal dan selebihnya yang menghantui pikiran saya, hal-hal yang secara randomly just 'pops' in my head!!!

Lalu hening.

Saat ada pihak-pihak yang ingin menawarkan telinganya untuk mendengar apa yang ingin sampaikan itu, saya yang terdiam.

Tida ada yang tersampaikan. Kalaupun ada, pasti tidak seperti mental image saya yang tersampaikan.

Sulit sekali bagi saya menumpahkan apa yang saya pikirkan itu!

Saya coba, tentunya!
Namun penyampaiannya tak sama. Penangkapan dan persepsi mereka berbeda.
Maybe it's a good thing...

You gained other point of views.

But what if i dont want them to?
I just wanna let them see the way I see it, feel the way I do! Exactly...

Just share it.
To them!
Not with them...

Salah banget yaa???

Kalo apa yang saya pikir ini bisa disimpan dalam flash drive, diputar dengan proyektor, so everyone could see it, i dont have to explain myself....

Tapi saya rasa tidak seperti itu kehidupan yang ada. Yang saya jalani.
Mungkin memang harus membiasakan diri.

Tapi...
Saya selalu menjadi merasa there's no point in talking about it!
It's mine,
my thoughts, every bad and worse....
and if anyone will see it and find a way through it, it's gonna be me and no one else!

Dan saya akan politely bertanya pada anda, bagaimana?

What do you think of me?
What about My thoughts?

Diantara sebegitu banyaknya Hal yang berjubel di pikiran saya, adalah hal-hal yang saya terus berusaha mencari tahu dalam hidup ini...
Ada begitu banyak sisi dari seseorang, dalam arti kepribadian atau personality yang dia punya...

Hal ini yang sangat saya yakini menjadi awal pikiran-pikiran saya, diantaranya...
Yah...mungkin Hal klise seperti the so-called pencarian jati diri blah....blah....blah!

Tapi buat saya itu menjadi bahan introspeksi diri yang oh-so-fucked-damn-you!!!
*pardon the language*

Ada sisi saya yang semua orang bisa tahu hanya melihat dan sebentar saja spend time sama saya...
Kamu nilai saya dari sisi itu.
Hingga sampai pada sisi yang sudah begitu sering kamu liat dari saya...
Tapi belum cukup sebegitu dalam kamu tahu..

I assume that how well you know people does not measured by the amount of time you know that person or how well....

It's through an understanding of character.
Hard to do.
Rarely done....close to none!

Even your family, siblings or all blood relatives you had might not know you to the very best of you!



This is probably why you never know a person you know exactly.

I genuinely believe that!
For me? You only see the side of me I wanted you to see. At first I'll be nice and all those good quality, then judgment came.
You 'assume' that that side you know is all me, you began to feel reluctant and unsure if that is me when I show you my other side that shall we say not the best quality side of me....

What happened then??

When you don't prepare some bits of understanding that there's actually sides of a person you (think) know, there's no more of you and me!

Coz I fear that you might runaway when you see sides of me you don't like...

It's unfair, is it?
It works both ways, vice versa.

Intinya yaah.... No judgement please!
It hurts really when you 'assume' someone a certain way that they, probably not, but you made your mind anyway since that's what you see in them...

What if that's the side of me I wanted you to see?

What if I'm still in pretty much blur of who I am?

Or simply I just cant bring myself and behave properly the way I truly am?

What if I'm having a really bad day, so much burden in mind and just simply being unable to put a single smile off my sorrow and pain??

What if....

There's too much of it!

What you gonna do?

I'll let you know how I feel, what I want...

Don't judge, people...
That's just mean!... and judgement without knowing is just plain cruel and sad!

Understand.
Or at least keep in mind that not everyday is a good day for everybody. Not everybody ya!

For some people day to day activities and everything that comes along with it is a constant struggle...

Respect them!
Put yourself in their shoes.
Maybe it's not a perfect beautiful life for them...

Life shapes you in more ways you can imagine.
Those invisible hands of faith, coincidences, circumstances, chances, changes and everything in between have given their mark in the lives they touch.

So has mine.

Now I know better not to judge.
People see what they want to see.
Sometimes they understand and able to comply...
Others...?? Not so much!

Thus, ignorance came.
It hurts and just plain sad to have ignored for just being who you are, show your other side..
I know.
I've been there...

Try and try...understand.
Try to be in my shoes.

I may not show the 'me', real me with all those sides of feelings, emotions and personality that I have yet, but just know and understand that I do have a bad day sometimes...

My life is far beyond perfect!
Nonetheless beautiful.... But it's mine!
With every ups and downs that happen, life lessons learned, stumbles and obstacles I've been through and yet to come.....

I'm glad.
Cos they're all mine and they shaped me the person i am now.

And I don't mind.

Judge me!
Understand me!
Have it what you want....

There's gonna be a silver lining or a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow.

I'm still waiting.

Belajar berintrospeksi diri.
Hanya itu.
Menempatkan diri Dan membawa diri.
Biar orang menilai.
Biar orang bicara.

Sekali lagi, ini Semata-mata pandangan saya dalam hal.
Stuff in my head.
I don't preach...

Melihat satu hal yang selalu saya pikir itu...

Masih banyak selebihnya...
Tapi yang saya punya hanya sekurang-kurangnya saja.

Understanding. Without judgment.

You don't alway get what you want, compromise!

Have it your way to see it!
But if you truly care for that person, you'll wait and just be patience until they're ready to reveal those sides and drop the masquerade...

Just remember:

Talking can change your feeling,
But action can actually change your whole world.

nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

The concept of future...

Ok. Waktu kita masih kecil, entah dengan kalian bagaimana.... Tapi saya pernah dan mungkin cukup sering ditanya: "cita-citanya apa??" atau "kalau besar mau jadi apa?"...
Do you get asked that questions too?
Trus pertanyaan saya, kalian jawab apa?

Saat pertanyaan-pertanyaan seperti itu terlontar kepada saya yang masih oh-so-innocent dan masih muda, belia.... Alangkah mudahnya kita menjawab dengan mengutarakan berbagai profesi yang kita inginkan. Kita kagumi.
With soo little knowledge what so ever of what exactly that profesion does, we just dying to be one!
Now that I think of it, it's pretty funny yet somewhat make sense.
Duluu, saya ingin sekali jadi presiden, dokter, pramugari, insinyur..... *raise your hands if you have been there too*
Indah yaa? Harapan Dan cita2 seorang anak kecil polos yang tabu sebegitu dikitnya akan dunia Dan the whole concept of the future itself.

As we grow older, Saat pertanyaan seperti itu terlontar lagi kepada kita, they expect us to already know the answer...and not just a dumb random answer as we gave before.
How would you reply???
Saya berani bertaruh jawaban2 anda pasti sedikit banyak dipengaruhi "jalan" jalur pendidikan yang saat itu kita tempuh, betul tidak??
That's when reality catches you up... Dammit! The concept of the future is no longer a concept after all!

Boleh tidak saya jawab: "saya tidak tahu". Biar saya selesaikan dulu sekolah saya, then I'll get back on you..... 

Fast forward to the exact turning point of your life where the so-called concept of the future is finally here. Say you're graduating, does your future job will be your "cita-cita"??
Or you looking for a job, that's not just a "job", but a carrier, since you want to fulfill that "cita-cita"???

Berapa banyak dari kalian that actually, eventually be what you wanna be when asked that infamous question??
Not to be skeptical, but unless you're the president, chances are you ought to settle to that bitter concept of reality, where not quite exactly what you want to do with your life, but you do it anyway.....

I like what bella's friend in the Twilight movies saga said about this concept, during her valedictorian speech.... It's pretty much sums up my answer when people ask me "that" question..... She said: "who the hell knows!??"

Cool huh?
So the concept of the future itself is not ours to decide...but to keep figure out! Make mistakes, take the wrong choices and made all the wrong decision will ultimately tells us at least, vaguely about our own future to take.
It's not written yet, but you should start doodling around for it! 

What was I going to share? Oo yeah.... The bitter sweet turn out of the future...hey, at least for me!
Things don't work out the way I want it, breakdown? Losing hope? Frustrated? Feeling worthless? Hell to the YEAH....
But when you at the bottom it's kinda easier to bounce back, redeem yourself and back with a vengeance 

Yang penting harus ikhlas, sabar, legowo Dan terus berusaha....mumpung masih muda! 



nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

wishlist...

OK, salah satu hal yang ingin sekali saya lakukan right before I die is......backpacking across Europe!!
It's always been my looooong time dream......#sighs

kepengen kayak gini... :)

Why?
obsesi, ekspektasi.... obligasi.....hmmm... entah. Impian ini sudah saya punya sejak saya masih kecil. Kurang lebih saya yakin ini banyak dipengaruhi oleh bapak dan ibu saya... They have been to Europe! walau tidak dalam rentang waktu yang sama. Ibu saya terutama sangat senang menceritakan pengalaman hidupnya di negeri orang, dimana Ibu benar2 bisa merasakan hawa kehidupan yang berbeda. Cerita2 ibu makin memanaskan hasrat saya untuk pergi "melihat dunia"....
Sama, ayah juga. walaupun ayah lebih cool and calm saat menceritakan masa2 kehidupannya di sono! :p
Sooooo, I pretty much have already develop the will to go abroad since.....forever!

Namun, kalau melihat reality check saat ini..... things just dont go the way I plan. Reality sucks! BIG TIME!!! Saya harus memikirkan hal2 lain. Impian itu masih ada, hasratnya juga, namun kesananya....entahlah!

FYI, mum and dad went abroad by scholarship! SCHOLARSHIP, people... and nonetheless, they expect the same for me...

Someday, they say... my turn will come. Praying is just not enough! I gotta work for it!
*maaf kalau saya mulai bicara ngelantur* #emotionallyunstable

Sudah mulai redup memang mungkin keinginan saya yang itu. Namun, entah...akhir2 ini banyak sekali yang rush into my head (baca: banyak pikiran)... and I tell you! it ain't pretty....
Pernah gak sih kamu ngerasa, kayak overwhelming, overflooding kebanyakan yang dipikir. Human brain and its capability is beyond! it really is amazing.... kadang, saat2 tertentu saya, kalau kalian gimana, seperti mendapat epiphany. Banyak hal yang tiba2 aja jadi kita pikirkan, atau just simply lewaaaat aja di pikiran kita. Have you?
Or it's just me?

OK, lately... itu yang terjadi sama saya. Daan, saya punya tendency untuk keep it to myself, since it's my own thoughts, right? kalaupun saya memutuskan menceritakan kepada orang lain, itu hanya setengah benar (atau setengah salah ya?)......white lie? NOOO, hanya membagi inti2nya saja. coz I believe that words, once you've said it....you cant take it back.
It's my regret. Me and my stupid mouth...... *saya uda mulai ngelantur deh*
OK, fokus! apa yang tadi mau saya ceritakan? #selftalk

yaaa..... pergi melihat dunia.
Saya merasa mulai kehabisan waktu. Usia semakin berkurang, and I haven't done something worthy of callling: "I did it!"......*crap!

mungkin saya setting the bar too high for myself, but looking around at everyone I know, friends, family, acquaintances who actually make it..... datang pikiran menghantui saya: "kapan giliran saya?"

Saya mencla mencle ya? maaf.
Saya harus bekerja keras, berdoa dan berusaha. Saya yakin, saya tahu, saya punya kemampuan dan kapabilitas untuk mewujudkan impian saya itu. and I know I'll do it either way, kembali sekolah abroad? AMIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEN...... atau just simply go, do it! and get lost along the way.... SAYA BISA!

OK, anggap fakta saya sudah sampai sana! YEY.... mau ngapain?
*garuk2 kepala*
That part I haven't decide yet! :p

but, who cares??? I'm sure I think of something.... perhaps I'll indulge in my long-forgotten-but-still-very-much-eager-to-learn passion...photography..... *gazing* *sighing*

yup! Who knows, people... next time I post one of my blog, maybe it'll come from a small street cafe in Paris..... while sipping an espresso!

It's a big dream, I'm a big girl... and I won't give up!

nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

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......and mine's coming, fast!

nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

bold move, takes courage!

saya punya impian.
saya mengejar impian.
saya punya harapan.
saya kejar harapan.
saya harus berani.
saya harus bertindak.
saya datang.
saya lihat.
saya berperang.
saya terluka.
saya merana.
saya mengubah.
saya bangkit.
saya melawan.
saya seorang yang baru.
saya berbeda.
saya terjun.
saya menyelami.
saya berenang.......dan


saya masih disini.
wounded,
full of scratch....
hurtfull, 
bleeding....
but I conquer all.
and I'm still here.

hanya saya dan si hitam,
...my shadow, the only one who walk beside me.

but I'm fine, I know I will be.............somehow.

*dedicated to my conscious, please stay with me!