What I learned from Mr. Ripley

Ok... Ini antara penggalauan dini hari dan relevansinya dengan apa yang saya dapatkan dan simpulkan dari seorang Tom Ripley.

Malam ini saya baru saja menyaksikan, bahasa dramatisnya.... The Talented Mr. Ripley.

Yang bisa saya sampaikan, kesan yang paling 'mengena' buat saya dan yang paling menohok adalah fakta bahwa sekali kebohongan itu muncul, tidak ada cara kembali, tapi menimbun kebohongan yang satu dengan kebohongan yang lain. Lebih banyak. Lagi dan lagi. Hingga kebohongan itu menjadi hidupmu. Dan pada kasus Tom Ripley......

Those lies become his reality.

Lines are drawn, blurred and erase...
His lies bocomes his reality. And no more honestly or truth in his life.

In ways, Tom confuses about who he is, but is he???

I'm no psychology majored or a doctor whatsoever, but his defense kinda make sense to me.

No one thinks that they're a bad person.... We have our own point of view... (saya lupa quote yang sebenarnya)

Jadi? Ini kah justification dan pembenaran self concious dalam diri Tom?

Entah mengapa saya bisa memahami dia, apa yang dia rasakan, apa yang diinginkannya, ketakutannya dan everything in between...

Once you tell lies, there's no going back but making up another lies to cover what you've said or done before. This require a highly great talent and mind.

Why!??
Because its extremely hard and excruciating to think of and made up new stories, events, name, person or places each time you need to 'adjust' those new 'reality' you created.

If you're a forgetful person, then it's an indication that you're not a really good liar :P

Tom was portraited in a very very ambiguous sex orientation... Which actually allows him to gain trust by 'seducing' pretty much anyone, male or female. Though towards the end, Tom kisses Meredith..... I strongly believe that he's actually gay and was in love with Peter.
Why?

This theory I came up in the way Tom kill Peter. Dickie was beat up in the head until died, Miles was also pretty much the same.... In my opinion (tidak mengacu pada teori manapun) ugly deaths and that style of murdering a person shows anger, while in Peter's case, he was strangle till suffocate to die. This shows a much gentler and caring gesture.
In short....

love.

So....
It's hard having that much of a 'talent', not to mention his unstable mind really fuels up his disorder behaviors.

Lesson learned, in plain most obvious language is that:

Lying is exhausting! Not to mention how you need to accurately connect one lies to another to cover the next and next...
and when it becomes your reality, then you're screw.

you loose who you are.
You never ever feel safe, always looking after your shoulder, afraid to get caught in the web you sewn... Thus, it's a lonely life.
No loved ones.
No reality to grip and hold on to.
No more peace.
No sincerety in your life.
No more you...

But why? Why would Tom do that? Doing every single thing he did.... Tortured himself to build lies and more lies, playing those roles, being everyone???!???!!

I can relate.

Rumput tetangga lebih hijau.

He wants Dickie Greenleaf life. All the money, wealth and life style...

Sad.
But I said it again. I can relate.

If you were given the chance to trade your life to someone else's that's waaaaay much more better of heck! just to have a 'better' version of your life??? What would you do?

If you had half of Tom's talent, I'm quite certain you will at least consider it, right?

The idea of trading one's life to other is just beyond my theory! Because I feel that way most times....

But then again... Having your life, the real you is way more fun...more of the challenges...all the drama and stuff and good and bad things. All those laugh and tears. Anger and joy...

They're genuinely mine.

Sooo, I've had an ephyphany!

Lies, as good as it is? They will be ugly and bad... And if you're willing to exhaust yourself to please those 'lies' then you'll end up alone.

Chasing whatever you're chasing alone. Tortured by your made-up reality you call life.

Me? The truth will serves me well.
No more to be said.
Being me, as terrible as I am..... I wouldn't wanna trade my life to anyone else's.

Like I said, I'll say it again.

It's NOT a beautiful life, but it's mine.

More about Mr. Ripley..... http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Talented_Mr._Ripley_(film)


nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

It's not a beautiful life, but it's mine....

I'll take a really long sighs before i wrote this.....

Belakangan, saya tidak tahu, honestly apa yang ingin saya'ungkapkan' 'keluarkan' atau 'tumpahkan' dalam blog empunya saya ini.. Benar!
Jikapun yang saya tulis sebelumnya it's just a merely nyampah, uneg2 dan hal yang lebih terkesan sebagai suatu luapan amarah atau kekesalan...

Nonetheless, no one ever told me what is a blog suppose to do for you anyway!
Seorang....teman pernah bilang kalo memang ngeblog itu fungsinya ya itu! 'itu' yang dia maksud saya sebenarnya juga kurang paham benar. Karena obrolan kami memang loosely based on nothing dan tibalah obrolan blog ini (FYI, bukan saya yg mengangkat topik ini ke permukaan lho)

Anyhow...

Typical saya adalah suka mencampur banyak hal dalam pikiran, atau banyak hal yang dipikir? Atau juga mikirin banyak hal at the sane time, all at once.

That's the beauty of a human mind...

Saat itu, mungkin saya memang butuh 'bicara' dalam arti sebenar dan juga konotasi, as in ada pengertian dari obrolan itu...

Apa yang ingin saya sampaikan?

Banyak!

Semua hal itu yang terjejalkan penuh dan sempit di sela-sela lorong pikiran saya! 1001 hal dan selebihnya yang menghantui pikiran saya, hal-hal yang secara randomly just 'pops' in my head!!!

Lalu hening.

Saat ada pihak-pihak yang ingin menawarkan telinganya untuk mendengar apa yang ingin sampaikan itu, saya yang terdiam.

Tida ada yang tersampaikan. Kalaupun ada, pasti tidak seperti mental image saya yang tersampaikan.

Sulit sekali bagi saya menumpahkan apa yang saya pikirkan itu!

Saya coba, tentunya!
Namun penyampaiannya tak sama. Penangkapan dan persepsi mereka berbeda.
Maybe it's a good thing...

You gained other point of views.

But what if i dont want them to?
I just wanna let them see the way I see it, feel the way I do! Exactly...

Just share it.
To them!
Not with them...

Salah banget yaa???

Kalo apa yang saya pikir ini bisa disimpan dalam flash drive, diputar dengan proyektor, so everyone could see it, i dont have to explain myself....

Tapi saya rasa tidak seperti itu kehidupan yang ada. Yang saya jalani.
Mungkin memang harus membiasakan diri.

Tapi...
Saya selalu menjadi merasa there's no point in talking about it!
It's mine,
my thoughts, every bad and worse....
and if anyone will see it and find a way through it, it's gonna be me and no one else!

Dan saya akan politely bertanya pada anda, bagaimana?

What do you think of me?
What about My thoughts?

Diantara sebegitu banyaknya Hal yang berjubel di pikiran saya, adalah hal-hal yang saya terus berusaha mencari tahu dalam hidup ini...
Ada begitu banyak sisi dari seseorang, dalam arti kepribadian atau personality yang dia punya...

Hal ini yang sangat saya yakini menjadi awal pikiran-pikiran saya, diantaranya...
Yah...mungkin Hal klise seperti the so-called pencarian jati diri blah....blah....blah!

Tapi buat saya itu menjadi bahan introspeksi diri yang oh-so-fucked-damn-you!!!
*pardon the language*

Ada sisi saya yang semua orang bisa tahu hanya melihat dan sebentar saja spend time sama saya...
Kamu nilai saya dari sisi itu.
Hingga sampai pada sisi yang sudah begitu sering kamu liat dari saya...
Tapi belum cukup sebegitu dalam kamu tahu..

I assume that how well you know people does not measured by the amount of time you know that person or how well....

It's through an understanding of character.
Hard to do.
Rarely done....close to none!

Even your family, siblings or all blood relatives you had might not know you to the very best of you!



This is probably why you never know a person you know exactly.

I genuinely believe that!
For me? You only see the side of me I wanted you to see. At first I'll be nice and all those good quality, then judgment came.
You 'assume' that that side you know is all me, you began to feel reluctant and unsure if that is me when I show you my other side that shall we say not the best quality side of me....

What happened then??

When you don't prepare some bits of understanding that there's actually sides of a person you (think) know, there's no more of you and me!

Coz I fear that you might runaway when you see sides of me you don't like...

It's unfair, is it?
It works both ways, vice versa.

Intinya yaah.... No judgement please!
It hurts really when you 'assume' someone a certain way that they, probably not, but you made your mind anyway since that's what you see in them...

What if that's the side of me I wanted you to see?

What if I'm still in pretty much blur of who I am?

Or simply I just cant bring myself and behave properly the way I truly am?

What if I'm having a really bad day, so much burden in mind and just simply being unable to put a single smile off my sorrow and pain??

What if....

There's too much of it!

What you gonna do?

I'll let you know how I feel, what I want...

Don't judge, people...
That's just mean!... and judgement without knowing is just plain cruel and sad!

Understand.
Or at least keep in mind that not everyday is a good day for everybody. Not everybody ya!

For some people day to day activities and everything that comes along with it is a constant struggle...

Respect them!
Put yourself in their shoes.
Maybe it's not a perfect beautiful life for them...

Life shapes you in more ways you can imagine.
Those invisible hands of faith, coincidences, circumstances, chances, changes and everything in between have given their mark in the lives they touch.

So has mine.

Now I know better not to judge.
People see what they want to see.
Sometimes they understand and able to comply...
Others...?? Not so much!

Thus, ignorance came.
It hurts and just plain sad to have ignored for just being who you are, show your other side..
I know.
I've been there...

Try and try...understand.
Try to be in my shoes.

I may not show the 'me', real me with all those sides of feelings, emotions and personality that I have yet, but just know and understand that I do have a bad day sometimes...

My life is far beyond perfect!
Nonetheless beautiful.... But it's mine!
With every ups and downs that happen, life lessons learned, stumbles and obstacles I've been through and yet to come.....

I'm glad.
Cos they're all mine and they shaped me the person i am now.

And I don't mind.

Judge me!
Understand me!
Have it what you want....

There's gonna be a silver lining or a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow.

I'm still waiting.

Belajar berintrospeksi diri.
Hanya itu.
Menempatkan diri Dan membawa diri.
Biar orang menilai.
Biar orang bicara.

Sekali lagi, ini Semata-mata pandangan saya dalam hal.
Stuff in my head.
I don't preach...

Melihat satu hal yang selalu saya pikir itu...

Masih banyak selebihnya...
Tapi yang saya punya hanya sekurang-kurangnya saja.

Understanding. Without judgment.

You don't alway get what you want, compromise!

Have it your way to see it!
But if you truly care for that person, you'll wait and just be patience until they're ready to reveal those sides and drop the masquerade...

Just remember:

Talking can change your feeling,
But action can actually change your whole world.

nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

Diantara yang tersampaikan dan tidak....

Sebelumnya, allow me to warn whoever gonna read this, it's not for the faint hearted.
Ada yang pernah nonton film Repo Men? Dimainkan sangat apik oleh Forest Whitaker Dan yaa, Jude Law. Ceritanya sih sungguh sangat sci fi and in a way maybe gak terlalu make sense. Tapi buat saya, I see beyond that!
Surpass all the action and ideas of a sci fi movie....

Apa kamu juga menangkapnya?

Ada satu line yang sangat saya sukai terlontar dari tokoh yang dimainkan Jude Law, maaf saya lupa namanya, but this is what he said:

" A job, is never just a job. It's who you are. And if you wanna change who you are, you gotta change what you do...."

Well? Pretty awesome, huh!??
Alasan mengapa saya mengangkat film ini, atau tepatnya salah satu line yang may I say sangat cerdas dan menohok ini!?? At least buat saya...

Saya ceritakan kronologis yang tersampaikan...
Beberapa hari yang lalu, saya dan beberapa teman kantor makan siang, entah awalnya topik after lunch conversation kami apa.... Seorang teman menyinggung film ini. Bukan segi yang saya sampaikan sebelumnya, tapi cerita sci fi nya itu.

Lalu, ditengah2 serunya perbincangan, saya jadi teringat kalimat itu.
Uda.
As simple as that.

Teman saya yg menyinggung film itu ternyata sama sekali tidak menyinggung soal kalimat itu. Entah saya yg kurang kerjaan sampe2 mengingat semua line film itu atau memang teman saya itu yang tidak menangkapnya...
Saya simpan pikiran saya.

Tidak tersampaikan....

Korelasi dari sebuah simple quote in a movie dan kondisi emosional yang sungguh sangat labil ternyata sangat significant.

Sering saya memikirkan itu, ini, banyak hal terlintas. Human mind truly is the greatest asset one can have...

Banyak hal, kejadian yang terjadi mungkin terlihat sangat tidak berhubungan atau dalam rentang waktu yang relatif gak nyambung....
Saat pikiran saya labil, bisa nyambung juga!
Dan ujung2nya overload!

Tumpah...
Stress...
Obsessed...
Depressed....
Bahasa kerennya, galau!

Ada jumpa, Ada perpisahan...
Dan orang2 yang datang Dan pergi itu, selalu saya beranggapan betapa beruntungnya mereka! Betapa Hebatnya!
Betapa pandainya....
They have the luxury and opportunity to change who they are...

Mari kita refleksi...

Apa yang kamu cari????
Mungkin ini lebih ke self talk therapy buat saya... I'm a mess! Train wreck would be an understatement to me...

Banyak hal terjadi, terucap dan tersampaikan....

Tapi buat saya, lebih banyak kebalikannya!
Ingin sekali saya mencari saluran untuk semua emosi ini!
It's all in my head!
Dan saya sangat menyadari betapa tidak mungkin memaksakan orang lain, siapa saja untuk memahami state of mind saya....
Karena saya sendiri masih mencari tahu, but on top of that.... Saya tHu benar kalo itu pointless.
Karena ini punya saya, jalan keluar juga di saya.
Itulah mengapa saya mungkin punya lebih dari hanya kecenderungan untuk meng alienasi diri Dari orang.

Just shut myself down....

Mungkin ini salah, tidak sehat dan pasti anda tahu the worst case scenarionya....
I hope.
state of mind ini mungkin timbunan pikiran2 yang tak tersampaikan, tak terjadi, pikiran, harapan, ekspektasi, keinginan, emosi dan segala hal inbetween yang bagi orang lain sepele, bagi saya berpele-pele!!!
Dan eating myself from inside....

I'm damaged.
Broken.
Can't be fixed.

Dan saya tak Ingin spotlight dan perhatian itu.
Tidak Ingin orang lain merasa iba dan kasihan, pity.... Even if it's a sign of caring and loving.

I prefer to keep it to myself.
Saya tahu batas saya, apapun 'batas' itu ingin anda artikan...

Selalu seperti ini...

Berpaling pada higher power mungkin lebih baik, saya bercinta denganNya saja. Si pemberi saya problem ini, yang bisa saya beritahu tanpa menyampaikan.
Kami tidak dekat.

Ada love and hate relationship didalamnya. Lebih sering saya meresa marah, kecewa, protes dan sejenisnya kepada Dia.

Dan saya kesal!!!!
Dia hanya Diam!

Saya curahkan, tanpa kata, hanya ucap2an Dan air mata... Dan yang saya dapat hanya dead air...

Hening Dan sunyi...

Saya dimanja.
Saya berontak!
Saya tidak disayang..
Saya menyerah....
Saat itu betapa Ingin saya langsung bertemuNya! Akan saya sampaikan langsung saja pikir saya, semua ini!
Segalanya!
Yang tersampaikan Dan tidak....

Tapi dia tidak bisa.
Dia tidak begitu sayangnya sampai ingin bertemu.

Ada ironi Dan dilemma yang indah Dari semua ini.

Pada satu poin, saya terdefinisi oleh cintaNya, namun di mata saya, dunia fana ini, apa yang saya lakukanlah yang lebih penting.

Mengatur, mengendalikan, menjalankan semua! Dan tidak semua....

Aren't we our own god???

Saya tidak Ingin menjadi saya yang sekarang. Ingin saya ubah yang saya lakukan, untuk mengubah diri saya, in ways as you would assume...

Terlalu telat mungkin kalo saya bilang ini adalah pencarian jati diri, aktualisasi diri bla bla bla....
I'm too old for this shit!

Ini hanya saya, menjadi saya yang tak sempurna, tidak Ingin sempurna Dan tidak mungkin sempurna...

Menjadi saya tidak mudah, namun ingin saya obral diri saya untuk menjadi versi saya yang lain! Saya tidak mau menjadi dirimu... Saya tidak bisa.
Saya tidak se normal kamu.

Keindahan Dan semua kekacauan ini milik saya.
A beautiful mess....
All mine, my own.

So help me help you....
I will never change, don't bother wasting your time.
I change when I feel like it.
I know what I'm capable of.

But you can fixed me...
Stop trying.



nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

Hello God, are you there?

It's been.... I honestly don't know how long since my last blog post. No specific reason, of course, you know....reasons like my computer broke, I can't get an Internet connection or other technical stuff that really contribute towards the essential 'why' I never posted any blog.

In my defense, I've actually really had nothing to say... When ironically on the other hand, I've soooo much to share! Everything! Nothing comes out though.
Dammit! Maybe I'm not a well gifted writer, that easily put words into words, describing things in the most oh so sophisticated words and phrases, none the less writers that have the ability of creating a single universes all in his/her wonderful minds.

This brings me to the idea of having the opportunity to be able to travel in a small crew.
So, what was I saying??

Damn! Not not maybe. It's something I don't really feel that I have those ability, shall we call it that instead of gift.
Writing is something so new to me, odd, sometime fun... other time its a constant struggle just to be able to find a single best suitable word! I'm not even good at writing in my native Indonesia language! Dammit!!!

I'm talking (writing) nonsense, huh!??
I blame the inner Aquarius personality in me.

Yes, people... I have been studying and finding out about me. My own self and the journey of so called pursuit of personality in search of a true happiness...
Assessing yourself is one way to do so. On my case, I don't share, I prefer not to talk about it, my problems, how I feel, what I feel... I don't bother sharing it.
Even when people ask and push me to talk about it and spill.. I stand my ground.
Some thinks I just shut down myself, some thinks I'm proud or too proud to talk, other thinks I'm not a good friend, since I don't want to share...

Here's what I thought,
in my defense, I don't want to bother someone, the person that is insignificant in my life to share that I think, my problems, my life! The bad and shitty part of it! Is that so arrogant? If it is then i'll take the blame!

It's just hard to talk and share what other demand out of me when most of the time I myself still trying to figure what's actually wrong (with me)??

Have you ever cry so hard you're getting hard to breathe for NO reason at all?? You just burst in to tears all of the sudden...

Or have you had this rush of grudge and hatred and anger that you just want to scream your lungs out!???

Perhaps you do stupid things cause you though it'll make you feel better??

Sometimes having a massive headache and constant feeling in your guts of emotions??
Why is that?
Why is these things happening?
I'm sure can't explain it to myself...and I don't expect any explanation from someone else.

Perhaps it's very wrong in a lot of ways. I'm sure psycholog and mental health doctors would reccomend you go 'talk' about it.
Problem is: I don't wanna talk.....
It's my own inner conflicts. Issues. Problems. Heaven. and hell of my own. I'll figure it out. Myself.

So next time you ask 'what's wrong?'and I just stood there wanting so badly trying to talk and share it with you then nothing happen???
It's because I cant put it in words...

Maybe talking about it and share it would make it easier, lighter for me? The way I see it? It doesn't....

There's beauty in an ironic ways of how I have everything and nothing to say at the same time...


nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

The concept of future...

Ok. Waktu kita masih kecil, entah dengan kalian bagaimana.... Tapi saya pernah dan mungkin cukup sering ditanya: "cita-citanya apa??" atau "kalau besar mau jadi apa?"...
Do you get asked that questions too?
Trus pertanyaan saya, kalian jawab apa?

Saat pertanyaan-pertanyaan seperti itu terlontar kepada saya yang masih oh-so-innocent dan masih muda, belia.... Alangkah mudahnya kita menjawab dengan mengutarakan berbagai profesi yang kita inginkan. Kita kagumi.
With soo little knowledge what so ever of what exactly that profesion does, we just dying to be one!
Now that I think of it, it's pretty funny yet somewhat make sense.
Duluu, saya ingin sekali jadi presiden, dokter, pramugari, insinyur..... *raise your hands if you have been there too*
Indah yaa? Harapan Dan cita2 seorang anak kecil polos yang tabu sebegitu dikitnya akan dunia Dan the whole concept of the future itself.

As we grow older, Saat pertanyaan seperti itu terlontar lagi kepada kita, they expect us to already know the answer...and not just a dumb random answer as we gave before.
How would you reply???
Saya berani bertaruh jawaban2 anda pasti sedikit banyak dipengaruhi "jalan" jalur pendidikan yang saat itu kita tempuh, betul tidak??
That's when reality catches you up... Dammit! The concept of the future is no longer a concept after all!

Boleh tidak saya jawab: "saya tidak tahu". Biar saya selesaikan dulu sekolah saya, then I'll get back on you..... 

Fast forward to the exact turning point of your life where the so-called concept of the future is finally here. Say you're graduating, does your future job will be your "cita-cita"??
Or you looking for a job, that's not just a "job", but a carrier, since you want to fulfill that "cita-cita"???

Berapa banyak dari kalian that actually, eventually be what you wanna be when asked that infamous question??
Not to be skeptical, but unless you're the president, chances are you ought to settle to that bitter concept of reality, where not quite exactly what you want to do with your life, but you do it anyway.....

I like what bella's friend in the Twilight movies saga said about this concept, during her valedictorian speech.... It's pretty much sums up my answer when people ask me "that" question..... She said: "who the hell knows!??"

Cool huh?
So the concept of the future itself is not ours to decide...but to keep figure out! Make mistakes, take the wrong choices and made all the wrong decision will ultimately tells us at least, vaguely about our own future to take.
It's not written yet, but you should start doodling around for it! 

What was I going to share? Oo yeah.... The bitter sweet turn out of the future...hey, at least for me!
Things don't work out the way I want it, breakdown? Losing hope? Frustrated? Feeling worthless? Hell to the YEAH....
But when you at the bottom it's kinda easier to bounce back, redeem yourself and back with a vengeance 

Yang penting harus ikhlas, sabar, legowo Dan terus berusaha....mumpung masih muda! 



nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

What's up world?

Sooo, what are you guys been up to??
I've been doing lots and lots of thinking about.... Well nearly everything!
So here's what I found!

Life's sucks!! Big time!
You don't get what you wish for, you got something better, sometime. but most of the time it's just plain sucks....

What's in it for me?
Valuable life lessons...
Learning.
Growing.
Changing.

For the better? I hope not!
I'll take me the way I am all the time.
I don't think I want to change anything in my life. Thank you.


nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

…and I’m still here!

I realize that once you get older, wiser…you will (and must) have developed the sense of assessing yourself. Whether it’s about the so-called outside stuff, or should I say the exterior? 

Like you know what looks good on you and what’s not. In terms of clothing perhaps, shoes, bags….well, what can I say? I’m a girl… 

or your weight. Sensitive topic. Let’s move on, shall we?

and then, in my theory… there’s also the interior part of assessing yourself. 

Now, for me it kinda indicate your level of maturity, isn’t it? Well, it’s rhetoric anyway… 

so, have you been able to assess yourself? I prefer the word assess since it feels more suitable for me…I hate the idea of judging yourself! It’s like giving score…..when in fact, life is not game. Or, is it?? 

What are you? 

What makes you, YOU? 

What’s unique about you?

How would you describe yourself?

Me? I’d rather be someone else for a change, sometimes…. 

Living on the other side…sounds good to me, more than good in fact! 

But again and again I figure that I better off as myself…. I’ll take all the good…and bad. 

Especially the bad part… so, when do I have this so-called ‘revelation’ of wanting and actually fine with just being myself? I have absolutely no idea! Like I said, it comes and goes…. 

It still is.

Sometimes I want to be a different version of myself. Is that including as wanting to be someone else? 

I think there’s just soooo much idealism, theory etc etc about the so-called finding yourself, be who you are…. Who you wanna be! And blah blah blah… 

and what’s that suppose to mean for us, me, mere mortal in my path of finding myself??? 

Is it supposed to encourage us?  for me though? It’s not encouraging. It’s confusing!.... #damn

I know there several things about me I wish to change. Its bad things. I know. I have been told. 

But, will that makes less of what I am? Or simply makes a better version of me? Kill me now! Hahahahaa… seems I’ve said that a lot lately. 

Do I mean it literally? Or simply hypothetically speaking……you never know!

It’s frustrating to be me. It’s like I’m always struggling, even with myself. 

Do you ever feel the same? I just simply ask this to dead air in space…..

Sometimes I laugh, when inside I’m in pain. Cry.

Sometimes I’m angry, furious and just mad all the time…

Sometimes I like to be in the crowd, connecting with people, others.  Other time I tend to alienate myself and just shut down. Untouchable.

Sometimes I like to make them happy, I’m a people-pleaser…. But I need time for myself…

Suppress emotions kinda taking over me from time to time. Have you ever had that moment of ‘mental breakdown’?  I have……several in fact. It was not pretty. But I got a hold of it, and I stand strong, now to finally say I can see myself clearly….

Have you notice that after the tears wash away, your eyes can finally see at its most clear view???? 

In hypothetical speaking of course…but it works for me. 

So, I cry…. It show that you’re strong, instead of weakness. 

I cry from time to time, sometime for no reason at all…it just this relieve feeling that you able to cry. That’s it.

nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

Aftermath: left-over and headache…

Sudah selesai the so called ‘holiday’!! well,it’s just freakin’ sucks…big time! Apa artinya liburan seminggu??? Alhamdulillah sih bisa break sebentar (and I mean BENER-BENER sebentar) dari rutinitas  harian yang (agak) gila……hmm atau Cuma saya yang gila yaahh?? *self talk*

Ok, lanjut. Kembali lagi 0-0 yaah… uda selesai nih maaf-maafannya? Silahturahmi? Kangen-kangenan, saying-sayangan *lho??* ngemil kuker-kuker juga kaan? *elus2 perut* *sighs*

Truss,,, apaan dong?? Lebaran emang selalu menyenangkan, FYI, saya mengedit naskah original yang (agak) tidak menyenangkan dari lebaran (masih kagum dan shock ngelus dada kalo dipikirin!). Buat saya sendiri aja deh!  Eniwei, menyenangkan ketemu keluarga, bisa kumpul-kumpul, catch up dan update kisah-kisah sama sepupu-sepupu dan oom, tante, pakde, bude, kakak, adek semua… yang enggak menyenangkan adalah bagian dimana kita sebagai tuan rumah yang kedatangan tamu, pastinya kudu bersih-bersih…. 

Well, I have nothing against doing your own cleaning routine koq! Bahkan kami tidak punya pembantu! You do your own chorus! It’s a must… tapi, untuk saat2 lebaran, entah kenapa it’s double the exhausted… katanya kita gak boleh nolak tamu tho? Tamu adalah rejeki, tamu adalah raja… yeah! Bite me.. capek banget juga rasanya, emang paling enak meng-alienasi diri dan keluarga dari invasi tamu2! *oops!

Saya bukan tipikal yang (agak) suka ngobrol lama2. Ngobrol dalam arti yang garink gitu lho yaa? Bayangin aja! Lama gak ketemu saudara, mau ngomong apa cobakk? Eerrr…. Banyak ya sebenarnya  :P tapi saya agak kaku, mungkin? Dan yang paling bisa interaksi seperti itu hanya ibu saya, ayah lebih pendiam.  Trus, setelah kedatangan tamu, yang kecil2 juga banyak! Sekarang saya sudah berganti peran. Since this was my first Lebaran being an employed person, giliran saya nih yang bagi2 angpao… tuh kan! Perannya udah ganti?? Lebaran uda gak se excited dulu (bukan hanya karena fakta bahwa sekarang saya yang bagian bagi2 amplop) tapi memang, now that I’m way older….saya menyimpulkan, untuk saya sendiri lho ya? Lebaran only fun when you’re a kid. Baju baru? Sepatu baru? Dapet banyak angpao… iya kan? Semua buat yang masih kecil aja, buat yang uda gede kayak saya, obligation awaits…

 

Ada minusnya gak sih dari tradisi lebaran bangsa kita? Kalo saya pribadi banyak, tapi biarlah itu buat saya aja. Ok, balik ke masalah bersih2 tadi! Tau gak sih anda2 kalo acara2 gosip di TV lokal (ini harus saya tekankan, LOKAL as in TV di Indonesia ONLY) isinya sama semua?? Cuma ngomongin seleb sholat, seleb kumpul keluarga dan silahturahmi, seleb berbagi ma anak yatim daaan, seleb besih-bersih!!

I mean, COME ON, people….. dunia emang udah mau kiamat yak kalo menonton personil mahadewi bersih-bersih rumah setelah ditinggal pembantu mudik aja adalah hal yang penting????!!!!!! Seberat ini saya akui, forgive my stupid mouth, tapi acara televisi Indonesia sangat sungguh bobrok sekali (dengan majas hiperbola). Kalo ada bapak2 petinggi televisi yang lihat, tambah bagus! Tolong ya! Edukasi bangsa kita ini….. *betapa saya rindu TV kabel*

Selama kurang lebih seminggu saya menjadi mere mortal, nonton TV lokal, bukan kermaksud sombong, tapi memang acara2 yang ditawarkan sangat ….apa ya? Yaaaa, kurang lebih sama semua laah! Apalagi nonton infotainment, bikin migren aje! Tapi bukan saya kalo gak bisa menertawakan keadaan dong! Rempong, artis bersih2 rumah aja semua pada heboh! Saya bersih2 rumah tiap hari, juga asik2 aja tuuuh! #eaaa

Hal positif…*self talk* sepertinya dari tadi saya complain mulu yak?? Ini radio juga gak seasyik dulu deh! *saya sambil dengerin radio, maaf* 

Enaknya lebaran? Banyak makanan! Tahun ini kami memutuskan gak ikut tradisi tradisional bikin ketupat dan sebangsanya, kami milih makanan yang agak gampang dan less santan… trus, banyak juga keluarga yang membawakan oleh2, jadi kulkas penuh, apalagi perut saya!! Hahahahah #sarcasm

Uda mulai habis waktu saya liburan… seminggu cepet banget yah? Sekarang nih baru terasa capeknya! Nyetir sendiri, bantuin ibu masak, nemenin tamu2, dkk dsb dll… puncaknya: migren. beneran! Liat tumpukan cucian, makin migren pula… kadang juga tambah pusing dengan pertanyaan2 sensitif seputar hidup yang selalu jadi pokok pembicaraan saat kumpul keluarga. Perlu konpres aja deh kayaknya? It’s just so funny how everyone seems to be very interested in our lives, isn’t it?  Oooh well, senjata saya, smile and run! :D

Jadi aftermathnya apa? Banyak makanan stacking up in the fridge, and a massive headache last night! Dengan sebutir parasetamol semalam ternyata cukup ampuh. Sekarang, however,  dengan fakta bahwa kurang dari 24 jam saya harus menghadapi rutinitas dan realitas kegilaan yang biasanya? 

Sepertinya saya perlu dosis lebih tinggi………*gigit jari* 

nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

Sebuah catatan absurd, is it love?? (1)

Mari kita rewind lagi salah satu momen hidup saya……ya, saya…maaf ini blog saya #eksis

Salah satu babak kehidupan saya yang paling dalam terukir adalah masa-masa yang saya habiskan di kota Jembatan Ampera. I grow fond and love to this city then……until now. Mengapa? Banyak sekali alasannya. Benar sekali kata-kata yang selalu terngiang dikepala saya, saat kita tutup satu lembaran hidup kita, lembar lain terbuka. Lembaran kosong untuk kita ukir lagi, peristiwa-peristiwa kehidupan.

Ketika saya dan keluarga pindah ke Palembang, saya sedang ditengah-tengah ujian nasional kelulusan SD (masih ingat episode si Nia?). Bukan timing yang ideal I tell you, pindah saat-saat menjelang ujian! Selain fakta bahwa nantinya kamu jadi kewalahan catching up pelajaran (untung2 kalo masih sama), susah adaptasi style sekolah yang baru plus guru-guru dan teman-teman baru, and on top of it……..kamu dapet nomor paliiing buncit buat nomor urut ujian! Alhasil saya selalu gak kebagian kertas ujian dan selalu minta (karena sekolah yang baru sudah ngeplot jumlah siswa, eh! Ketambahan saya deh). But it was fun sih! Hehee…

Saya hanya ‘mampir’ di SD selama kurang dari 6 bulan aja, sebelum akhirnya saya menyandang predikat siswi SMP, masih lanjut di SMP deket SD-nya. Masih menjajaki kehidupan di kota yang baru juga….*ciiieh! bahasanya*

Sekilas tentang kota Palembang. Apa yang terlintas di pikiran kamu mendengarnya? 

Pempek?

 Jembatan Ampera? 

Krupuk kemplang?

 Saya yakin diantaranya laah….. Duluuu, itu juga yang jadi bayangan saya. Sekarang, saat mengingat Palembang, ingatan saya terbang ke angan-angan yang lebih abstrak….*sambil masih ngiler juga inget pempeknya!*

Saya cinta kota ini, despite memori yang sudah saya punya, yang menyebabkan kedekatan batin saya dan orang-orang yang saya temui di kota ini. Saya mengingat kota ini memberikan masa-masa indah pula dalam hidup saya. And I’m proud of that….

Usia SMP masih culun gak sih? Terlalu naïf dan childish gak sih kalo saya bilang sekarang bahwa saya menemukan cinta? Apa sih cinta tuh, Wi’??? hehehee…. Saya milih tidak memberikan definisi tentang hal yang satu ini…simply because my blog won’t talk about love, specifically. Lhaaa, trus! Koq judulnya dan bahasannya cinta? Mencla mencle…..*oops!* Please see the bigger picture I’m trying to share,people!

Cinta yang ingin saya tuangkan hanyalah bagian dari the so called ‘penemuan’ jati diri yang terjadi pada saya……karena didalamnya saya belajar mencintai, dan saya merasakan cinta…..*ingat yah? Saya TIDAK memberi definisi*  

Saya senang menjadi saya pada masa-masa SMP. It was my glorious days….hahahaha *sombong* Saya termasuk siswa ‘A’ list, punya prestasi daaan si kapten basket yang yahud had a crush on me!!! Kami berteman awalnya. Kami juga satu SD. Mari kita sebut dia, Anto.

Where do I begin???? Was I ever in love with him? Then? I don’t know….. I wasn’t very good at expressing what I feel exactly….. I always do stupid things, opposite of what I truly feel.

Tentang dia…. 

How do I begin to describe him? 

We were first and foremost, friends. Saya dan dia berbeda…. 

Mengutip kata2nya, langit dan bumi. Who’s who? Well, you decide. 

Saya tipikal siswa yang biasa saja. Saat kami sama2 masuk SMP, saya menjadi (agak) luar biasa…. Saya termasuk siswa yang pandai, was involved in student bodies, yaah bisa dibilang saya A-list student. Berprestasi? Tentu.. keren dan gaul? Saya tidak yakin…. Masa2 itu kami belum mengenal social networking dkk-nya. Dia? Kurang lebih juga menonjol… let see, seingat saya dia atlet basket dan voli di sekolah, bersama saya juga dia di OSIS, circle of friends kami juga sama. That fling sudah cukup lama ada, teman2 saya dan dia mengatakan hal itu sudah rahasia public, kalo dia had a crush on me!

Kala itu saya biasa saja, play it cool, man! Tidak ada yang special dari hubungan pertemanan kami, but I must admit, dia…sangat perhatian pada saya. Hingga menjelang pertengahan masa SMP kami, makin kenceng kabar beredar kalo dia bakal nembak saya (teman2 nih yang heboh)!

Ok, detail? Saya masih sungguh sangat mengingatnya, seperti kisah2 cinta saya yang laen….*yeek,bahasanya!* Saat itu, kami satu kelompok dalam suatu tugas sekolah (tugas apa ini, saya lupa….) dan ya, kami sekelas…..(can you say awkward???) teman2 yang lain suka sekali mengerjakan PR, tugas dkk di rumah saya, so we did. Saya dan 2 teman lainnya, termasuk dia bertemu sore hari di rumah saya untuk janji mengerjakan tugas sekolah. Aman, semua berlangsung sesuai rencana. Makin sore, tugas selesai, teman2 siap pamit pulang dan oops! Hujan datang dengan derasnya….(sebenarnya sudah beberapa saat waktu kami masih asik ngerjain tugas sih….that part I forgot to mention). Heboh? Pasti, karena teman2 mengandalkan angkutan umum untuk pulang ke rumah (anak SMP kan gak punya SIM?). karena sudah agak sore, semua maksa pulang aja di tengah hujan yang lebat. Ok, saya putuskan mengantar mereka dari rumah sampai depan komplek rumah saya untuk mencegat angkot. Ojek payung? Yep! Ok, so ada 3 orang yang mau pulang. 2 teman saya, selfishly tanpa memikirkan dia, mengambil payung saya dan pamit pulang duluan. Tertinggalah si Anto…. Alone, tanpa ojek payung, kecuali saya mengantarnya. And I did…. I tell you, it was a bit romantic actually, hanya kami berdua, under the umbrella, talking over the pouring rain……*sighs* allow me to take a moment of silence to reminisce about it………………………………………………

And he was being a gentleman, holding the umbrella for me, besides the fact that he’s way taller than I am….. :P

We talk, we laugh… it was an intimate moment for the both of us… teman2 saya sudah jauh didepan, btw. Over our conversation, saya sudah merasa kalo dia mulai nyerempet2 topik romance and love and boyfriend etc etc… maybe I kinda knew it coming. Kami makin dekat, thanks to the rain, jalanan yang kami lalui juga makin habis, sampai akhirnya kami tiba di depan kompleks (jarak antara rumah saya dan depan komplek lumayan jauh). There was a brief moment of silence before he continues his previous sentence and end it with “kamu sama aku aja, Wi? Mau ya?”…….*can I get a cricket sound now?* *kriiik…kriiik…kriiiik*

Saat itu saya sama sekali tidak yakin itu adalah penembakan, saya juga tidak bertanya lagi karena (kok ya pas) datanglah angkot yang membawanya pulang. DAMN! Saya berdiri beberapa saat di pinggir jalan, memegang satu payung yang meneduhi saya di satu tangan, dan payung terlipat di tangan yang lain, trying to convinced myself that what I heard is true….. finally, saya out of the gazing moment dan berjalan balik pulang. It was a long walk home, I tell you! With lots to think about…. Sampai rumah, Hp saya berbunyi, tak lama setelah saya beres2 (hasil berantakan kerja kelompok kami), dan ya…dari si dia… isinya? Saya lupa tepatnya, yang jelas dia mengkonfirmasikan bahwa yang dikatakan tadi benar dan dia ingin jawaban…..

What did I say????......... what am I suppose to say? Crap! I hate this part….

 Maybe I should talk about food instead...... #tepokjidat

nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.