hello, world!

Halo, dunia (maya)...
sudah 2 tahun yang lalu sejak postingan blog saya.

apa yang berbeda?
saya atau kamu/kalian?
what have we've accomplished in 2 years?....besides of course the inevitable age gap *sighs* now that we're all older by couple of years.

sedikit update,
saya masih berlokasi dan bekerja di jakarta.
masih sangat berusaha menurunkan berat badan.
masih doyan daydreaming..
masih jomblo..... *nyessss
masih agak labil dan selalu overthinking about bits of everything.
namun yang paling saya banggakan adalah..... saya sekarang lebih terbuka!

ya terbuka untuk hal-hal yang baru, terutama pengalaman baru, perjalanan baru dan everything in between!

To travel is to find yourself...
to get lost is the sweet findings of the person we could be or will be.

saya bukanlah seorang petulang, terlebih traveller yang selalu mencari tempat-tempat baru untuk dieksplore dan adrenaline junkie yang selalu entah mendaki gunung, menyelami lautan luas atau mencoba pengalaman ekstrem lainnya.....

apa sih yang berubah sehingga sekarang saya mendapati diri saya di'banjiri' dengan keinginan untuk 'jalan' dan memanggul tas backpack terus mendatangi tempat-tempat baru itu?????

entah.
saya pun tak tahu.

seperti suatu pagi kamu bangun dan memutuskan "ok, hari ini saya harus a, saya mau pakai baju b, saya akan melakukan hal cdefghij..."
seperti itulah perasaan saya.

sebelum tua, sebelum uang terkuras habis untuk hal-hal duniawi yang tangible namun less in meaning, saya memutuskan untuk just jump right in and do the unthinkable before, going by my guts and just DO!

berawal dari ajakan open trip teman kuliah..... perjalanan yang terjadi beserta ceritanya sungguh sangat luar biasa!
being a newbie backpacker traveler is truly an awarding and best decision i've made in my 20'ish lifetime.....
but, i'm gonna save it for my next blogpost!

tapi jangan berharap banyak ya?
blog ini tidak akan serta merta jadi blog traveler/backpacker/adventurer yang langsung WAH!
like i said, i'm a newbie... so dont get your hopes high just yet.
saya pun masih merancang grand design pola pikir saya karena banyak banget yang pengen diceritain! hahahaha *big grin*

ok, we'll talk soon!



*sending a virtual hugs into outer space*

nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

just another pre birthday thoughts..

well...... *big sighs*

so much for me and my wisdom in life,
what i missed?

too many times away from my thoughts, i guess..
life...

what a bitch!
all that nonsense crap about having to live our life. live while we're young.
well??
guess what? life sucks either way.

i need a therapist, aren't I?

what is this person that i become?
sometimes i just feel like runaway from life, this form of life. it sucks. i feel like there really nothing left but on and on day to day daily basis and routine.
yep! zombie. that's what it is. that's what i feel i becoming...

perhaps if vampires are true (sooo i wished it!) i wanna become one, and then switched off my humanity, so i would feel nothing.
 just numb.
numbness.....

but you cant do that, can you?
if i only had the liberty or luxury to choose...... oooh what a beauty it is!

i guess i have talked about all this shit since like forever..
nevermind me. i was just lecturing myself, thinking out loud.
you see? i'm a self acclaimed uncontrollable, irrationally and unstable me.

dont know what else to tell myself to make me feel better...

nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

ekspektasi dan antiklimaks

15:46

menanti detik2 pulang....

yup! saya masih pretty much alive and well... thank you for asking! #sarcasm

agak lama juga gak menjenguk blog... hasrat untuk 'nyampah' dan mencurahkan sih ada... namun sayang, berbanding terbalik dengan tindakan saya yang oh-so-malassss!!!! hehehehee.....

soo... apa yang mau saya sampahin yaa??

well, i was going to post about my short vacay/reunion/holiday last week...
 but, without pictures, apalah asiknyaa??? XP
*berhubung koleksi foto letaknya berbeda dengan 'sarana' posting blog...

#sighs
soo, i'm just gonna go ahead and preach! mind the people who disagree..... I honestly dont care!
*bah! bahkan sudah nyampah sebelumnyaa! #tepokjidat

........careful what you wish for....
that saying goes a long way... at times of desperation like these, honestly? complaining doesnt work.

what happens after happily ever after??
konsep fairy tale yang selalu berakhir dengan so-called-happy-ending itu tidak lagi berlaku once you grow up, grow older...much older..

*what am i saying???? STOP me, please!!!
 ya suudah..... kita lanjutkan saja postingan ini di laen waktu, saat saya sudah tahu apa yang ingin saya sampaikan..

till then...

 

nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

bersyukur...dan ikhlas!

7:39 PM

at home.... Jakarta home.

apa kabar dunia????
tidak banyak cerita baru selain yang sudah sudah dan yang telah (atau akan terjadi)...
masih rutinitas yang sama ya? Alhamdulillah !!

ada ungkapan, "anugerah terindah adalah hidup ini....."

jadi, sekarang saya sudah beyond complaining dan start living and being gateful...

 yaaa.... bersyukur.
bersyukur atas apa yang kita punya, pun bersyukur atas apa yang kita tidak punya.
bersyukur atas apa yang telah terjadi, pun mensyukuri apapun yang nantinya akan terjadi.
bersyukur atas apa yang kita dapatkan, pun bersyukur atas apa yang tidak didapat.
bersyukur saat senang, dan bersyukur saat tidak senang.

benar memang. kunci utama kebahagiaan itu adalah bersyukur..... teori yang sekarang saya dukung sepenuhnya 100%.... dan jika kita terus bersyukur, maka Allah akan melipatgandakan nikmat rahmat itu.
amiiiien!

tidak mudah jalan saya menuju ke sana.
and when i say not easy...i meant NOT EASY!

sebut saja ini jalan saya menuju pendewasaan diri.
jadi? saya sudah dewasa nih?
entahlah....
usia saya relatif muda, but hey! age aint nothing but a number, right?

seberapa 'matang' dan 'dewasa'-kah dewasa itu?
entah.

saya hanya mulai bisa dan belajar mensyukuri apa-apa yang terjadi pada saya
well.... mungkin tidak murni rasa syukur, tapi lebih seperti : "ya sudahlah, memang sudah begini adanya. ikhlas..."

yaa... rasa syukur itu datang dari keikhlasan terlebih dahulu.

setelah hidup saya menjadi lebih tertata, saya mulai bisa melihat lebih baik, secara kias, tentunya. tahukah kalian saying ; "kita boleh berencana, namun Tuhanlah yang memutuskan"???

ya. seperti itu.
rencana Tuhan, siapa yang tahu?
saya hanya bisa ikhlas, rela dan (akhirnya bisa) bersyukur.

ikhlas melepas Ayah selamanya.
rela melanjutkan hidup tanpa kehadiran Ayah......dan
bersyukur, mengetahui Ayah tak lagi tersiksa sakitnya dan bahagia di surga, menjaga saya...

40 hari sejak kepergian ayah, 26 April mark it.....

i'll always gonna miss Daddy.
but i know he's alive in me....
... and the though of Daddy's in heaven watching over me, keeps me strong to move on.

i'm stronger now.

i can be sure. i'm grateful for everything...

always in my heart

 

 

nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

dan..sepuluh tahun yang lalu...

at the office...
menunggu datangnya email kerjaan...

10:40 AM.
*stealing the office's connection*

tidak akan ada mellow-mellownya lagi posting saya kali ini!
tema hari ini adalah....
 JANJI.
REUNI.

yaa..... putar kembali otak dan ingatan saya pada 21 April, tepat hari ini (well... mungkin tidak pas hari ini, Sabtu)...dan tanggal ini...

Kala itu saya masih SMP,

Palembang.
TKP: rumah saya saat itu.... di jalan Mahakam, Palembang..

Saya dan 5 orang teman.
Saya (agak) lupa tepatnya apa yang kami lakukan sebelumnya berama-ramai di rumah saat itu...
Mengerjakan tugas, perhaps??? *blur sekali image saya secara personally visual terhadap diri sendiri*

lanjut.
kami sedang mengobrol langor ngidul gak jelas laah....
abut things.... everything!
semua harapan dan cita-cita kami semua...

dan,
ide itupun muncul...

Janji.
 janji bertemu lagi tepat 10 tahun setelahnya.....tepat tanggal ini.

yaaa..... hari ini, sekarang and any minute now.... 21 April 2012, tepat 10 tahun janji kami... teman yang selamanya akan dihati saya  :)

mengapa 10 tahun?
mengapa particularly this date?
mengapa ingin bertemu?

simple things.... really.

when we young....
younger than we are then... 
we dream...about growing up...
the future....or at least the very concept of future itself.......
cause back then? the future hasn't come yet....

Saya yang salah. itu adalah ide (bodoh?) saya.
terucap saja saat itu.
Pernahkah kamu?
 Iseng, hangout and just talking  with your friends tentang semua hal (mungkin menjelang lulus sekolah/kuliah, konsep/tema "masa depan" itu akan 'raise to surface' dalam perbincangan kalian) dan ide muncul just *snap a finger* LIKE THAT! :D

Kami, saat itu hanya casually talking. berbincang.
Kami sudah di ujung masa SMP.... menuju jenjang sekolah yang lebih tinggi.
Kami semua bercanda.
Kami saling membagi rencana-rencana indah yang kami buat, kami punya untuk ke 'depan'
Kami saling berbagi...

Saya menyayangi 'kami'...
.....In ways... saya tidak terlalu mudah bergaul dan (probably) berteman.
Jadi, teman-teman saya yang membuat JANJI untuk hari ini adalah (dulunya) teman-teman terdekat saya.... dan saya berharap hingga sekarangpun....selalu..

Because, hey! gak ada istilah 'bekas' teman kaaan? :)

To me? you make friends for life...

itu juga alasan paling kuat mengapa mereka...(ya! idenya datang dari saya) setuju akan janji yang kami buat itu.

saya tidak pernah menyebutnya reuni. terlalu formal.
reuni untuk satu kelas, satu sekolahan.

kami?
hanya berenam.....

small, yet sooo big in dreams of what we wanted to accomplished. then...

Jadi... mungkin sekarang anda bertanya-tanya (atau tidak??) of my whereabout now....mengingat hari inilah hari janji itu...

saya di kantor. lembur.
saya tidak bisa memenuhi bahkan janji yang saya buat.....

reality bites!

sesungguhnya ingatan janji itu selalu ada......
rencana-rencana pun dibuat...
namun, bagaimana jika realita dan rencana dari Tuhan bicara lain?
ya sudah... saya terima....

keadaan tidak memungkinkan.... sangat tidak memungkinkan.

what if?
the concept of what if...... menjadi pikiran saya.

what if we never made that promise?
what if we did?
what if we meet today?
what if I change my path of life?
what if I've done things differently?
what if we dont meet up?

and in fact..... in seconds counting.... we dont meet up today.
it's just so sad.

then again.... inilah the very example of realita VS rencana!
kami memang berjanji bertemu hari ini sepuluh tahun yang lalu, namun kami tidak tahu pula rentang apakah, kejadian-kejadian dan peristiwa yang akan kami, saya hadapi didalamnya....

10 years is a relatively long time, for me...

saya tidak tua, tidak setua itu.... secara lahiriah...
but there's just soooo much happened to me in the last 10 years... 

so, when you ask , ask this: "how old is your soul?" - taken from Jason Mraz's I wont give up

yaaa.... maksud saya adalah kedewasaan jiwa seseorang....
nobody knows, i guess..... :)
and that's the beauty of it.

yang jelas, saya sepuluh tahun yang lalu......pasti masih dapat mengenali saya yang sepuluh tahun didepan (sekarang)....
dan kalau kesempatan itu ada.... i'd tell my younger-ten-year-old-self  to take it easy.... slow down and not making plans too eagerly... or else, i cant keep it.

saya bukan orang yang suka membuat janji dan melupakan!
NO! anda salah orang.

Betapa sedihnya saya, kala saat ini saya tak mampu mewujudkan itu.
namun, kembali. Rencana Tuhan.
memaksakan? bisa.... namun saya tak mampu, bukan secara psikologis, karena saya sungguh ingin kembali ke masa-masa itu, mengenang dan bertemu some familiar faces yang telah sepuluh tahun berpisah. Saya akui secara keadaan, yang terlalu pahit untuk saya sampaikan, tidak mampu saya menepati janji itu.

Maafkan saya, teman.... T__T

masih ada, mudah-mudahan, momen kita dapat berjumpa lagi.
saya optimis dan positif.... :)
karena.... "things come and go...... but friends are forever!"

and I will see you guys soon! *let's just hope it's not another 10 years* :)




in mention to Oktavia, Ditha, Tiwi, Erix dan Yoko...... *virtual hugs!*


nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

sebulan kemudian....

April 19th, 2012....

sebulan yang lalu....


sebulan kemudian.



ada yang salah dengan hari ....... then again, tidak ada yang salah sama sekali.

lucu, entah dalam arti sarkastik atau yang sebenarnya...
lucu...bagaimana hidup dan hari-hari terus berjalan dan berganti setiap harinya.
lucu...bagaimana saya tetap bisa bangun di pagi hari dan beraktifitas.
lucu...mengetahui setiap harinya berjalan just they way it is dalam hidup saya..

Tidak lucu.....saat saya tahu dalam hati dan pikiran saya selalu, walau mungkin dalam alam bawah sadar saya, bahwa hari-hari ini yang saya jalani sekarang adalah tanpa kesaksian dan kehadiran Ayah....

*sighs*

It's just the way it is.
Dont get me wrong....
Seiring berjalannya waktu, saya sudah bisa menerima dan ikhlas dengan kepergian Ayah.
Namun, bukankah itu hal yang normal bila kadang-kadang, once in a while, every now and then saya masih merasakan kesedihan itu.
Rasa sedih...
Rasa kangen...
Rasa hampa... dengan seluruh 'wake up call' dan kenyataan ini yang harus setiap harinya saya jalani.

life after Daddy...

begitu saya menyebutnya...
ada beda yang begitu kentara.... 'garis' yang menjadi pembeda hidup saya sekarang dan dulu.

Maafkan posting mellow saya ini.

Jadi ada apa sebulan kemudian??????

HIDUP. that's what happen.....

kita semua lahir, besar, hidup dan mati.... circle of life...
dan begitulah seterusnya...

Apa yang terjadi dalam satu bulan kemudian ini? begitulah adanya.
Saya masih disini. hidup. dengan segala rutinitas day to day saya......
Tidak ada yang istimewa dalah kehidupan saya, tanpa Ayah...
Hanya saya semakin mampu lebih baik dan berusaha terus dan terus mendoakan Ayah...
Sebisa mungkin 'berbincang' dengan Allah dan Ayah saya.....dalam doa
Selalu mengenang dalam memori otak ingatan saya akan kebersamaan dengan keluarga dan Ayah.
Lebih mencoba menjadi 'family man', dekat dengan Ibu dan Kakak...
Lebih berusaha bersikap dan membawa diri, disini, diperantauan...
Lebih tertutup.....in a way that I sometime feel that every smile i gave is an endless effort to make...

Seperti terasa sangat menyesakkan kala berusaha tertawa dan bahagia, mengingat Ayah...

*i need a breather*

hanya itu.
tidak banyak yang terjadi sebulan kemudian.



nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

menata lembaran-lembaran hati....

7:17 AM

*menghela napas panjang dulu*

Masih sangat pagi, saya sudah datang, siap fully dressed (lebay) dan datang ke kantor saya...
dan saya pretty sure di absen fingerprint tadi belum ada jam 7 pagi!
Probably saya paling pagi......dan hanya dikalahkan sama mbak dan mbak OB kantor.... (antara bangga dan miris)

Kenapa sepagi ini?
Koq mau?
Dedikasi, kerajinan de el el de es be....... well, bisa juga! :p
Among all reasons, though.... it is my choice.

Saya tidak keberatan nor do I complain. Buat saya lebih baik kepagian (banget) daripada telat dan kesiangan sampai kantor, atau manapun tujuan saya.
Is that make any sense?

what's a girl to do in the morning at the office? alone, with computer's ON...??
well, THIS IS! BLOG..... *devious smile*

Saya sudah lebih baik, sekarang. Menata.
yaaa.... menata dalam konotasi harafiah dan tersirat(?) *apa dong lawan katanya harafiah??*
Menata bisa berarti 'order' yaitu mengindahkan, membuat jadi rapi, pada tempatnya....
Sama konsepnya dengan saya..... *ini saya bercerita yang harafiah dulu yaa?*
Saya mencoba dan berusaha menata hidup. Dengan segala hal baru, lama, yang (terlihat) baru, maupun yang (sepertinya) lama...

Kota baru.
Membiasakan diri dengannya. Melihat2 what its got to offer me.... and all its glamor and insignificant sides... Jakarta, Be nice to me!
Memang hidup di ibukota ini adalah (in some way) suatu pengalaman tersendiri. Ada suatu kata2 yang saya baca, "Jakarta lebih dari macet dan banjirnya..... namun juga kota dimana seorang laki2 dan wanita jatuh cinta...." #eh

Moving on... *tutup muka*
Episode itu belum datang kepada saya.

Jakarta menawarkan berjuta 'warna'nya. Saya terpukau dan merasa takut at the same time....
Remember when we talked about the future? all that changes? Well, here it is now....
Saat semuanya hadir dan didepan mata, terasa begitu surreal. Nonetheless, harus dilewati dan dijalani. Ini hidup saya sekarang.
Mengais rejeki di ibukota.... (lebay)
Bukan pilihan saya in a million years! tapi apalah mau dikata, jalan hidup membawa saya kesini.
 When life gives you a plate adventure, you dont run. You face it!
Jadi disini saya. 15 stories high at my office building.... LIVING. Dealing with it on a day to day basis.

Entah saya ini aneh atau giman...(gimana, mungkin?)
Namun saya sungguh tidak keberatan datang 2 JAM LEBIH AWAL dari jam masuk kantor.....
There's a sense of peace and serenity di dalam kehampaan kantor...... (lebay)
Saya tipikal yang suka dan men-treasure a little 'me' time.
Saat menjadi autis dan antisosial.
Cukup musik dari IPod yang menemani.

Saat2 seperti ini, saya bisa berpikir. Semua.......and i mean ALL. ;)

Kembali ke konsep menata. Mengapa ditata? Apakah tadinya berantakan? Bisa jadi.... Namun ada kalanya, seperti saya, disaat-saat ngganggur, tidak melakukan apa-apa, saya menata.
Entah itu hanya sekedar menggeser bingkai foto di meja supaya sejajar, hingga membongkar lemari baju da memindahkan perabot rumah!
Hakikat menata itu bisa diartikan tidak hanya harafiah dan kias (HA! kias...) namun dilakukan dalam skala besar, kecil atau menengah??

Saya menata hidup 'baru' saya ini dengan memulai tiap harinya di kota yang baru, rutinitas yang baru, orang-orang yang baru, pemandangan yang baru, kebiasaan-kebiasaan baru.......dengan pembiasaan.
Constantly doing it on a day to day basis. Itu saya menata hidup saya sehari-hari...

Emotionally and psychologically... menata (agak) lebih komples kalau saya jelaskan sendiri *belum lagi pastinya akan banyak protes keras dari para pakar di bidangnya*
Jadi saya hanya merely share apa yang saya lakukan dalam konteks 'saya menata hati'

Kalau hati kita, perasaan kita itu saya ibaratkan rumah, menatanya bagaimana?
kita melihat rumahnya, ruangannya, temboknya, detail bangunannya.
kita estimasi seberapa banyak perabot yang dibutuhkan untuk mengisinya, alokasinya...
*nevermind biayanya yaa? :p

konsepnya sama.

Hanya, hati saya tadinya berisi sesuatu yang berbeda, lalu terisi lagi sesuatu yang baru. lain.
Saya perlu menatanya karena hati saya hanya sebegitu luasnya.
I can only endure so much....
Kalo rumah penuh dengan perabot, sumpek kan??!??
Sama.
Saya menyimpan begitu banyak 'hal' dalam hati/pikiran saya...
Up from the day we were born....nope! the day we can figure things out on our, the day we think for yourself..... until the day we die.

Cogito Ergo Sum. I think, therefore I am....

saat dari situ hingga saat ini, detik ini, betapa hebiatnya pikiran kita yang bisa membawa sebegitu banykanya 'hal'. memori.....
Subhanallah!

Untuk itu, menata hati (dan pikiran) itu perlu.
Seperti saya.
Menyimpan begitu banyak hal, memori segala sesuatunya yang pernah terjadi, akan, ingin dan telah dalam hidup saya. dalam pikiran saya.

I kept a still-frame in mind. picture in my head..... :)

Saya perlu menatanya...or else I lose it, or i can take it back when i wanna reminisce...
Bukan menghilangkan, karena saya, personally percaya segala sesuatu yang telah terjadi pada kita tidak akan dapat terlupakan atau dilupakan.
Kita hanya MEMILIH tidak mengingatnya.
Saya yakin memori itu masih ada....

Jadi selama beberapa hari ini saya menata...
Theme of the week! MENATA.
Tidak hanya menata hal-hal yang yang 'tangible', seperti berlembar-lembar berkas kantor yang berhamburan...(lebay), menata laporan, membuat rekapan.... sort of things yang disebut 'menata' itu...
Secara 'intangible' juga.
Saya mencoba membawa diri, self-aware dalam segala situasi, menata emosi, hati, tingkah laku, semuanya!
Saya belajar tidak melupakan, rather than menyimpan semuanya.

....when everything is out, I gotta let it in - words from "Good Life" (Ryan Tedder) *with adjustment :)

So all the emotions have gone out, now I'm trying still to take it in....

Diantara lembaran-lembaran kertas berkas kantor, terselip juga 'glance' of memories of my life.... is that ever happen to you guys? or is it just me???

*menghelaaaa napassss panjang lagiiii

8:18 AM and I'm out!

nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

a bowl of change, love and memories

4:39 PM.
Jakarta, Capital Region.
weather: heavy rain and thunder...
mood: mellow bin galau, listening to Adele's Someone Like You in background.

this is not a fairy tale.
it's real life.

 it's been awhile since my last blog, honestly? I've never wanted it to be so long between last blog and recent, now. I've prepared a 'previous-written' blog post about 'change'..... Changes that's coming towards me.
things I've wanted to change.
things I cant help to but must changed.
things.... too painful now to described, how much I wanted it to change.
but i cant.

this beginning of the year have brought me so much that I can bear.
I know these changes are coming, I can feel it in the air.
I know it.

But, nonetheless.... God's plan for us is above all, way too powerful than any of the changes we've planned out, hope for.

We, you, I cant help it but be truly faithful to whatever God has given us as planned.
This year, particularly in the first 3 months have been all about changes, life....and moving on.

for myself, I've been giving my life and my future a special plan mapped out in my head.
new me.
new adventure.
new opportunity.
new life.

in my so-called 'perfect theory', it was all easy to do.
MOVING ON.
that's the key.

In Practice??
Not so much.
obstacles happens. Shit! happens.... *pardon my language*

but I've come out on the other side.
stronger than ever. better... *I know it's very typical, but please bear with me?*

So, that first change in my life already happen as planned.
I moved on,
new me, new opportunity. better.

Though along the way, perhaps I've left also bits of my heart there...... T__T

life goes on, right?

and then it happens....
just when I know I'm fine, in hypothetical and literally speaking, both my mind and my soul are at ease,
God decided to take my hero, my utmost important and precious person in my life away. Forever, For good.

God took my father away....

*sighs*

My first reaction was anger and shock.
I couldn't....won't accept the fact that someone I love, my father was forever gone, taken from me, from this earth...

Then, (it's not denial) I feel I've no control in my life, even more my father's....
It's a sense of  "I'm gonna be fine, My Father is at peace not, he no longer have to suffer"

In short,  I learn to move on.
Though I know deep in my heart, things, and my life post my Father's passing will never ever be the same...
I gotta move on, live my life. 
If not for me, then for my father's legacy in this world....

Dear God, make me strong!
So I chose not to mourn, instead to celebrate My Father's life and His great legacy in me..

I will always love you, Dad! :) :')

sooo, have I mention more and more changes about me to come?
Now, I've live a 'new' life.
with a whole new perspective in life, love and everything in between..... ^^
new attitude.
new spirit.
brand new self conscious  and stronger faith in God and life, afterlife.

But, still  me, in person.
like I believe: People don't change, they just merely reveal....

life happens, changes happen in life.
Sometimes we make those changes or done something that trigger those changes.
Other times, like death..... we cant change. We accept and moved on.

But I'm about to change my life.
For the better.
For me.
For my family.
For the memories of my dear beloved Father...




*every words dedicated to Father, March 19th 2012, mark our goodbye.... xoxo*

precious... My precious

nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

about Emma, the future and a bowl of honesty...

Let it be noted.. It's 8:56 PM I'm at the extra keeper's bed in the hospital, looking after my father. I've got MTV on, barely watch it...just needed a voice to listen to.. What crosses my mind at times like this is just bizzare and totally random! First, while actually disappointed by the new series, I've been checking my timeline on twitter, there's this one tweet thats just hit hard on me.. Well, I kinda forgot the exact phrase but I think it's about when a woman can't say what they truly feels, she'll ask you to listen to a song that lyrics spoke their mind.. And it's truly true for me! At one point I want him to know how I feel but I just can't get myself to say those exact words, songs and lyrics became my savior... And I've been thinking a lot lately about the complicated beauty that's a relationship of a woman and a man. One really great and awesome one is Emma Morley and Dexter Mayhew's complicated sad and both tragic relationship that can't be define by label... Is it friends? Lover? Fling? Love? Hate... It's all of it! and it's tragically beautiful.. I don't know if you guys familiar with the novel 'One Day' by David Nichols... I've been touched in an unexpected speechless kinda way from this beautiful piece of modern classic litterature. I've bought this novel out of boredom of waiting for hours at the airport... Something about the tagline that says: " twenty years.... two people" that really drew me towards buying this novel out of impulse. I've know already too that a feature film was already made... So I'm eager to finish before watching the movie. And I did. And I will be forever changed... About the story itself... I will not talk too much about it, I'm afraid you gonna have to watch of read the book yourself to gain my point of view. The concept of two people, of different background, interest, nature and above all gender can be and stay friends without any romantics attachments have already been brought by the movie 'When Harry Met Sally', anyone? But this concept of Em and Dex, Dex and Em is just a different one for me! Turns outs, you can stay friends! Sex probably gets in the way, but if you guys are smart enough like Emma and Dexter? you'll manage, I'm sure... Results? How about a great friendship (and more) that stretches 20 years and lasts a lifetime!! God! I wish someday I have that! Found my Dex... Able to married my best friend...minus the dead part, though! Anyway... It's probably a silly daydreaming episode of my so called finding my Dexter, that special person.. Since I've always seem to be knocking the door myself... The one on the other side, didn't knock right back... Still... I hope one day I can be someone's Emma... Best friend.. Loved too..deeply Someone that makes you a better person. Reality is... He probably doesn't even think of me right now.. I probably meant so little if not nothing to him. He would probably never wanted to be someone else because of me I never that significant to him... But there no point in hating someone you love, is it? Someone you really love? -John Lennon (Nowhere Boy) because "I love you (him), I love you (him)always..... I just don't like you (him) anymore" - Emma Morley (One Day) So... Was I ever loved by you???- Gabrielle (out of reach) And the concept of the future... There's no words that define 'goodbye' than saying "have a nice life" it's probably said with utmost sincere that the other person will really have a nice life, but it also indicate that you're not a part of that someone's future, or you don't want to.... Do I mean what I said? Am I playing with myself and my own true feeling?? There's people that just aren't able to say what in their mind exactly... And I'm one of them. Music is my resort. Consolation. Lyrics that are just suits what I feel... now, to you... But do you get it? Honestly, for me it's always a love/hate then love again relationship to you... Maybe it doesn't seems that at all... But I've tried. You lose. Cause you never say what you truly feels.. 9:36 PM There's so much happen and going on in my life now lately... Its hard, heavy and to much.. Im practically screaming on the inside for a shoulder to cry on.. Hand to bold.. Someone to talk to... But You won't bother to know, care or ask... fine. You were right, I'm a nobody to you.. You certainly proved that! So I'll go, wish you a pleasant life without me in it, And find someone out there that will make me significant in his life, a somebody. And this is the truth. 9:42 PM and I'm done.

Leap year

Whats up world??
Yup! Still here... Barely.

There is a sense of changes in the air...
Heavy and thick.... just like my thoughts of you,, me, life, hope, changes.... and pretty much everything in between.

Its a breathe of new hope.
Have i mention it's 2012??

Alot's been said, projected and predicted for this year... But i wil not discuss anything that's not at all related or significant to me.

Call it selfish or ego centric of me! But hey! I have the right to... and my own reason why. Heck! I dont need to explain myself...

Leap year.

Yes, it is 2012... It's what struck me lately. Every turning or the earth takes us fourtly round towards leap year.

First sign of a leap year gou can tell that february's gonna lasts for 29 days thus rounds up a year to 366...

So, what's so special about this leap year?

Well, me personally... This year alone, leap or not holds a very big plans and bope for me.
Even if it's worst case scenario about the so-called end of the world?? I care only towards making changes in my life.

Puting my life in the right path...
Path.

Yes, lately i've been M.I.A out if this 'blogging universe',
I guess simple abd honest reason is because i'm trying to find myself. Real self.
Yes, both in litteral and hypothetically speaking.

Mistakes and wrong turn was amongst the things i dealt.

But i'm fine, to say the least...

Leap year.
Yes, leap...

I dont know if you familiar with the titled movie of Leap Year??

Well... I've done my research. And it is true that there is a tradition of leap year! The movie said that it was Scottish tradition.... Frankly i didnt care about the origin, just the idea of it...

Anyhoo... Tradition said that in leap year, woman can do an act of love, such proposing to the man she love.

Well? Awesome tradition huh???!???

It's amazing!
I just thought that it's an awesomely amazing way to say independence for women!..... waaaaay before the era of Destiny's child Charlie's angels song! #justsaying

Sooo, here's an idea girls?
Go ahead and ask youserlf this: would you??? Would you do that?

Do you think it's amazing? Romantic, perhaps?? .... or just plain stupid???

Anyway you wanna see it, either way you'll decide, allow me to give you a 'perpective'...
*cough cough*

we girls are raise with knowledge about boys, right? Romantically, as we evolve... We begin to understand, arent we?
Men are the ones making the first move.
If the like you, he'll call.
Perhaps, he will ask you out!
But.... Then, what?
Things didnt go as they say in theory, arent they??

You guess, conclude each and every little signs! Just like that movie 'he's just not that into you'-ginny??
I've been there.....

Love? What about it? I guess it'll take another session to talk about this subject, or have i talked about this before???
Nevermind!

So, leap year 'suggested' that YOU! yes you the one to make the first move!
Stupid, isnt it?

Hold on for another perspective!
If you sure and it feels like 'love'.... go on then! But make sure he feels the same!
Is he worthed?
Does he make your geart skip a beat?
Does he makes you laugh even with his awful jokes and remarks?
Does he hold your hand?
Cant think of anyone else but him??

Just make sure that it's not crazy and random love!
Falling in love is great...
Just be sure that he too falling IN love WITH you.

Proposing is a bit much?
Well, maybe just a declaration of love, caring and affection is enough.

For those who thinks it's stupid and hopeless and.... well 'against' the rule of nature, hey! I think that too..

In both odd ways, i'm a sarcastic and sceptical person too, you know!
But taking charge and telling someone you care about is DEFINITELY NOT an act of weakness...

It shows that we're human, after all!

Thought maybe .... with us, it's different. We're not love like the humans.
With us it's forever - Henri (I am number four)

Either way, it's this year... Leap Year.

I'm still at the stage of figuring out if he's worth my love...


For the restless hearts, loving is comforting, but most of all.... being true to yourself comforts the most hearts... ;)

nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

What should I call it?

Still very much alive with thoughts running wildly in my head.....and my heart!

Dilemma? Yes!
Confused? Absolutely!
Conflicted? Very very much...

But it's purely the reason that keeps us sane, grow continuously and always strive for the better and best.

I think, therefore I am...

nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

It's my life!

*just remember to post it*

Ok. It's around 08.43 PM, was when i wrote this post at a pretty much quite airport boarding lounge...

Time passes fast, instead of slow...
I vaguely watch faces around me..

Still bitter, heavy heart leaving for the Capital tonight, at this very night only!
Any other day I'd feel glad to do so!

Choices.
What are they?

A turning point at a crossroads?
Yes they are to me now.

It's almost very cliche that I would say: " choices we make, define us", but they are.

*clock still ticking*
I waited in silence and above all in very little strength left...
There's an old gentleman sitting on my right. He waited there, anxiously. Clutching his coat.

To my right, another gentleman talking over the phone, loudly.

*glance at my watch* it's almost 08.55 PM. Our flight got called off. And my thoughts were:"could this be a sign??"

I guess rational thinking went out my window thoughts.
We tend to make believe, what we want to....

Conflicted.
At that time, this afternoon I feel soo much more alone and conflicted and confused and burdened weighing me...

Where should I draw the line of must and must not??
Have and have not??

It's a no brainer for me at one point, but today was everything to do with what I am!

I can't leave it.
I won't leave it.
I have to...

I want this! And that!!
Am I being selfish???!??

What is there for me here??
What is there for me there??

*boarding call*

I'm clutching my ticket, blurry vision in my eyes...

26C.

I'm here.
I've made my choice.
I've changed it.
I made it again.

Here I am!
I'm answering to your call, dear God!

Let this be a good one.
It's hard and sooo much at stake to leave.
But I chose.
I weighing my options.
I consulted.
Im being responsible, at one point to those who trusted me and those who have faith in me...

But, above all... I made this choice, this responsibility for me.
It's my life??
It's my life.

No one but me to make those decisions.

I wanted to be there. But i want to be here more.
I love them, I grew fond to them. But I gotta start thinking for myself.

*lights went out in cabin*
As it went out in my eyes.
When I opened them, it'll tell me where I am.


nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

What I learned from Mr. Ripley

Ok... Ini antara penggalauan dini hari dan relevansinya dengan apa yang saya dapatkan dan simpulkan dari seorang Tom Ripley.

Malam ini saya baru saja menyaksikan, bahasa dramatisnya.... The Talented Mr. Ripley.

Yang bisa saya sampaikan, kesan yang paling 'mengena' buat saya dan yang paling menohok adalah fakta bahwa sekali kebohongan itu muncul, tidak ada cara kembali, tapi menimbun kebohongan yang satu dengan kebohongan yang lain. Lebih banyak. Lagi dan lagi. Hingga kebohongan itu menjadi hidupmu. Dan pada kasus Tom Ripley......

Those lies become his reality.

Lines are drawn, blurred and erase...
His lies bocomes his reality. And no more honestly or truth in his life.

In ways, Tom confuses about who he is, but is he???

I'm no psychology majored or a doctor whatsoever, but his defense kinda make sense to me.

No one thinks that they're a bad person.... We have our own point of view... (saya lupa quote yang sebenarnya)

Jadi? Ini kah justification dan pembenaran self concious dalam diri Tom?

Entah mengapa saya bisa memahami dia, apa yang dia rasakan, apa yang diinginkannya, ketakutannya dan everything in between...

Once you tell lies, there's no going back but making up another lies to cover what you've said or done before. This require a highly great talent and mind.

Why!??
Because its extremely hard and excruciating to think of and made up new stories, events, name, person or places each time you need to 'adjust' those new 'reality' you created.

If you're a forgetful person, then it's an indication that you're not a really good liar :P

Tom was portraited in a very very ambiguous sex orientation... Which actually allows him to gain trust by 'seducing' pretty much anyone, male or female. Though towards the end, Tom kisses Meredith..... I strongly believe that he's actually gay and was in love with Peter.
Why?

This theory I came up in the way Tom kill Peter. Dickie was beat up in the head until died, Miles was also pretty much the same.... In my opinion (tidak mengacu pada teori manapun) ugly deaths and that style of murdering a person shows anger, while in Peter's case, he was strangle till suffocate to die. This shows a much gentler and caring gesture.
In short....

love.

So....
It's hard having that much of a 'talent', not to mention his unstable mind really fuels up his disorder behaviors.

Lesson learned, in plain most obvious language is that:

Lying is exhausting! Not to mention how you need to accurately connect one lies to another to cover the next and next...
and when it becomes your reality, then you're screw.

you loose who you are.
You never ever feel safe, always looking after your shoulder, afraid to get caught in the web you sewn... Thus, it's a lonely life.
No loved ones.
No reality to grip and hold on to.
No more peace.
No sincerety in your life.
No more you...

But why? Why would Tom do that? Doing every single thing he did.... Tortured himself to build lies and more lies, playing those roles, being everyone???!???!!

I can relate.

Rumput tetangga lebih hijau.

He wants Dickie Greenleaf life. All the money, wealth and life style...

Sad.
But I said it again. I can relate.

If you were given the chance to trade your life to someone else's that's waaaaay much more better of heck! just to have a 'better' version of your life??? What would you do?

If you had half of Tom's talent, I'm quite certain you will at least consider it, right?

The idea of trading one's life to other is just beyond my theory! Because I feel that way most times....

But then again... Having your life, the real you is way more fun...more of the challenges...all the drama and stuff and good and bad things. All those laugh and tears. Anger and joy...

They're genuinely mine.

Sooo, I've had an ephyphany!

Lies, as good as it is? They will be ugly and bad... And if you're willing to exhaust yourself to please those 'lies' then you'll end up alone.

Chasing whatever you're chasing alone. Tortured by your made-up reality you call life.

Me? The truth will serves me well.
No more to be said.
Being me, as terrible as I am..... I wouldn't wanna trade my life to anyone else's.

Like I said, I'll say it again.

It's NOT a beautiful life, but it's mine.

More about Mr. Ripley..... http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Talented_Mr._Ripley_(film)


nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

My plea...

Oooh dear god!!
Sakiiiit sekali rasanya...

Kepada siapa saya bisa tumpahkan rasa ini ya Allah...
Betapa sakit dan sesak mendesak dan sungguh perih rasa ini.

nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

In the end...it's not the end

In the end...it's not the end. 

I'll take a very big sighs of relieve.... It's almost at the end of yet another year of my life. 
Looking back, seperti ingin refleksi diri... 
Apa apa aja sih pencapaian saya tahun ini? Banyak. Dan tidak juga...

Gimana dengan perubahan kamu? Not much...what it seems, more like what has changed me... Revealed me. 

But then again I always believe people don't change... They, we, I am merely revealed...

2011.
 Tahun ini tahun kelinci, rite? 
Kalo  mau disambung sambungin sih bisa ajaa...
 Kelinci... Big ears, cute and cuddly face, those fluffy hair and hilarious attitude... 
They don't make much noise, much like me towards the end of this year.... 
I chose silence and solitude. Merely to understand myself better... #tsaahh

Apa lagiiii? 
Kelinci  suka melompat?? 
Leap.
 I took a very big leap too at the start of this year. Got my first ever job. None like what I imagine nor expected... But I'm glad. In many ways, it gives me much to learn....to know and ultimately find myself. 
The real me.....sort of! I'm still eagerly learning. 
Now, that I think back.....

No regrets. They don't worth.....-Robbie William...

Those decisions made me what I am. Mistakes are the greatest lesson and mentor in life, not experience. Experiences you can gained, but experience and making mistakes while at it?? Those things will surely reveal you... I am my own best teacher!

So I took the leap. I took the first opportunity came. 
Why? Maybe I'm scare of the uncertainty lies ahead... 
Maybe it's true. 
Regrets? None. 
But honestly?? Yes, there were soooo much regrets and desperation at one point. 
But now....
I can truly say: IKHLAS.... 

Ini jalan yang saya pilih! 
Mengeluh  bukan pilihan!!!

What else?? Kelinci... Saya punya, beli 2 tahun ini juga. 
Now!?? Died. 
Both. 
Nope! Don't wanna talk about it. 

Gak ada lagi deeh relevansi klo mau disambung2in! x__x

*Big sighs*...

 Tahun ini juga tahun mental breakdown saya... In ways of the most ugly version you can imagine.. But I'm perfectly fine talking about it. 

It's like....when you're so low, hit rock bottom at the very low version of you... What you gonna do? Where would you go? .......

the only way is down, I can see that now - Mika. 

Ada ironi yang indah dalam hal yang selalu digemborkan orang dalam the-so-called-journey-of-finding-yourself... #tsaahh

I gone through that road of mine. Many many times now. I've battle against myself in all stages of my life, struggling to stay sane...
 Then again, what is sane? 
If Freud and Einstein do a debate about it?
 What would they say? 
Whose opinion win?
 Lets throw in Mother Theresa too! Or Mahatma Gandhi? 
Walt Disney? 
Martin Luther King? 
Kurt Cobain? 
Marilyn Monroe? 
Or hell...... Let's ask the big 'O'??? Oprah....

Hahaaa... Get the joke??

Ask me? Ask anybody! We, they, I have my own point of view of how is normal 'normal' and how sane is 'sane'....

I've also gained one particular ....fact, shall we say? fact about me and my condition whereabouts. In ways it scares me of finding out, but ironically I feel more of a relieve and sense of gladness about it.... Either way, Jessie J said that it's OK not to be OK. 

Jadi saya terima. 
Saya sudah berdamai dengan ini, itu, dia, mereka. 
Tapi yang terpenting, saya berdamai dengan diri saya sendiri....

Sounds like a bunch of bulls**t??

Maybe... But I'll say it anyway.

Soooo what's left at the end of this 2011?
Any hopes? Yes... Faith must be kept. 
Regrets? Yes...but I've made peace with it. 
Anything you haven't achieve yet?? Plenty of it!!!.... Always keeping my hopes up... Anxiously waiting in silence...while making all the effort I can do!

When one door closes, another one open. Perhaps not soon enough. But be sure it'll come. Maybe a window first...

Banyak spekulasi, harapan, cita-cita, Impian, keinginan, dan segalanya untuk yang akan datang.... 
Yang didepan. 

It's a mystery ...

Buat saya, lembaran baru sajalah!
Tidak menghapus halaman yang ini, hanya menulis pengalaman dan 'penemuan' jati diri yang baru...

Akhirnya?
 Bukan akhir ini milik kita, saya, kamu. Tapi awal. 

The end where I begin....- The Script. 

Selamat membuka lembaran itu. 
Kamu. 
Saya. 
Kita. 
Kami. 
Mereka. 

Berganti, tanpa melupakan...
Mengubah, tanpa membenahi....
Sama, tapi berbeda...

Saya menambah ilmu, pengalaman. usia. 

Mariiii....

Dampingi saya?
nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

New found attitude!

Ok, soooo ternyata saya tidak segila itu....
Masih ada secercah sanity ternyata... Walo sebenarnya masih belum saya temukan untuk apa, siapa pula saya disini...

I just dont feel loved. Needed. Significant. Not much just enough to make me worth my while...

But, these things always comes to me. Constantly now. I know...

Itu...sudah jadi sahabat saya. Galau....dan segala perasaan paling jelek dan down se-down2nya!..

Hingga that moment if ephiphany comes..

Percaya entah tidak, saviour saya bukan orang yang dekat, mengenal saya.
Pahlawan saya itu mereka yanghave absolutely had no idea who i am!.. Thru their work, music, words and melody.

Yes, music saves me...

I found refugee and sanctuary in the words of encouragement of them.
In ways that is somewhat impossible to believe yet it is soo much more relateable than you know, lyrics of those music really knew me, my emotions and what i went through...

Like right now, though i wanted to say ignorance is my best friend, a more suitable words came... It is litterally how I'm interpreting it...


You talk about life, you talk about death,
And everything in between,
Like it's nothing, and the words are easy....

You talk about me, and you talk about you,
And everything I do,
Like it's something, that needs repeating....

I don't need an alibi or for you to realize,
The things we left unsaid,
Are only taking space up in our head....

Make it my fault, win the game
Point the finger, place the blame
It does me up and down,
It doesn't matter now.

'Cause I don't care if I ever talk to you again.
This is not about emotion,
I don't need a reason not to care what you say, or what happened in the end.
This is my interpretation,
And it don't, don't make sense....!

The first two weeks turn into ten,
I hold my breath and wonder when it'll happen,
Does it really matter?

If half of what you said is true,
And half of what I didn't do could be different,
Would it make it better?

If we forget the things we know.
Would we have somewhere to go?

The only way is down, I can see that now....

It's really not such a sacrifice....

And it don't have to make no sense to you at all,
'Cause this is my interpretation, yeah, yeah, yeah....



nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.... With words of MIKA.

Ingin.... Boleh?

.....masih, terasa sangat sakit sekali...
Bagaimanakah menghilangkannya???

Sepertinya merasakan sakit dikulitnya saja...diluar lebih melegakan.

Terlalu banyak...
Cukup itu lebih dari apa yang bisa saya hadapi.
Bercerita tidak banyak memberi buat saya...
Tidak ada siapapun.

Entahlah lagi....
Jadikan ini milestone tertimoni saya.
Jika saya mampu mengumpulkan cukup kekuatan dan kegilaan,

Mungkin saya lakukan saja..
Dosanya juga buat saya.

Boleh?
Mungkin ini cara mengakhirinya...

Lelah.
Tidak hati, tubuh, pikiran...

Saya dikoyak dan diperawani oleh kejamnya....

Realita.
Sudah cukup sepertinya saya melihatnya.

Tinggalkan saja.
Tidak ada yang tersisa buat saya.

Tidak ada yang merinduku.
Tidak signifikan.

Jadi?

Boleh ya??

Aq akan menemui Dia...
Walah tidak dengan cara pilihanNya.

Sampai (tidak) berjumpa!

Nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

It's not a beautiful life, but it's mine....

I'll take a really long sighs before i wrote this.....

Belakangan, saya tidak tahu, honestly apa yang ingin saya'ungkapkan' 'keluarkan' atau 'tumpahkan' dalam blog empunya saya ini.. Benar!
Jikapun yang saya tulis sebelumnya it's just a merely nyampah, uneg2 dan hal yang lebih terkesan sebagai suatu luapan amarah atau kekesalan...

Nonetheless, no one ever told me what is a blog suppose to do for you anyway!
Seorang....teman pernah bilang kalo memang ngeblog itu fungsinya ya itu! 'itu' yang dia maksud saya sebenarnya juga kurang paham benar. Karena obrolan kami memang loosely based on nothing dan tibalah obrolan blog ini (FYI, bukan saya yg mengangkat topik ini ke permukaan lho)

Anyhow...

Typical saya adalah suka mencampur banyak hal dalam pikiran, atau banyak hal yang dipikir? Atau juga mikirin banyak hal at the sane time, all at once.

That's the beauty of a human mind...

Saat itu, mungkin saya memang butuh 'bicara' dalam arti sebenar dan juga konotasi, as in ada pengertian dari obrolan itu...

Apa yang ingin saya sampaikan?

Banyak!

Semua hal itu yang terjejalkan penuh dan sempit di sela-sela lorong pikiran saya! 1001 hal dan selebihnya yang menghantui pikiran saya, hal-hal yang secara randomly just 'pops' in my head!!!

Lalu hening.

Saat ada pihak-pihak yang ingin menawarkan telinganya untuk mendengar apa yang ingin sampaikan itu, saya yang terdiam.

Tida ada yang tersampaikan. Kalaupun ada, pasti tidak seperti mental image saya yang tersampaikan.

Sulit sekali bagi saya menumpahkan apa yang saya pikirkan itu!

Saya coba, tentunya!
Namun penyampaiannya tak sama. Penangkapan dan persepsi mereka berbeda.
Maybe it's a good thing...

You gained other point of views.

But what if i dont want them to?
I just wanna let them see the way I see it, feel the way I do! Exactly...

Just share it.
To them!
Not with them...

Salah banget yaa???

Kalo apa yang saya pikir ini bisa disimpan dalam flash drive, diputar dengan proyektor, so everyone could see it, i dont have to explain myself....

Tapi saya rasa tidak seperti itu kehidupan yang ada. Yang saya jalani.
Mungkin memang harus membiasakan diri.

Tapi...
Saya selalu menjadi merasa there's no point in talking about it!
It's mine,
my thoughts, every bad and worse....
and if anyone will see it and find a way through it, it's gonna be me and no one else!

Dan saya akan politely bertanya pada anda, bagaimana?

What do you think of me?
What about My thoughts?

Diantara sebegitu banyaknya Hal yang berjubel di pikiran saya, adalah hal-hal yang saya terus berusaha mencari tahu dalam hidup ini...
Ada begitu banyak sisi dari seseorang, dalam arti kepribadian atau personality yang dia punya...

Hal ini yang sangat saya yakini menjadi awal pikiran-pikiran saya, diantaranya...
Yah...mungkin Hal klise seperti the so-called pencarian jati diri blah....blah....blah!

Tapi buat saya itu menjadi bahan introspeksi diri yang oh-so-fucked-damn-you!!!
*pardon the language*

Ada sisi saya yang semua orang bisa tahu hanya melihat dan sebentar saja spend time sama saya...
Kamu nilai saya dari sisi itu.
Hingga sampai pada sisi yang sudah begitu sering kamu liat dari saya...
Tapi belum cukup sebegitu dalam kamu tahu..

I assume that how well you know people does not measured by the amount of time you know that person or how well....

It's through an understanding of character.
Hard to do.
Rarely done....close to none!

Even your family, siblings or all blood relatives you had might not know you to the very best of you!



This is probably why you never know a person you know exactly.

I genuinely believe that!
For me? You only see the side of me I wanted you to see. At first I'll be nice and all those good quality, then judgment came.
You 'assume' that that side you know is all me, you began to feel reluctant and unsure if that is me when I show you my other side that shall we say not the best quality side of me....

What happened then??

When you don't prepare some bits of understanding that there's actually sides of a person you (think) know, there's no more of you and me!

Coz I fear that you might runaway when you see sides of me you don't like...

It's unfair, is it?
It works both ways, vice versa.

Intinya yaah.... No judgement please!
It hurts really when you 'assume' someone a certain way that they, probably not, but you made your mind anyway since that's what you see in them...

What if that's the side of me I wanted you to see?

What if I'm still in pretty much blur of who I am?

Or simply I just cant bring myself and behave properly the way I truly am?

What if I'm having a really bad day, so much burden in mind and just simply being unable to put a single smile off my sorrow and pain??

What if....

There's too much of it!

What you gonna do?

I'll let you know how I feel, what I want...

Don't judge, people...
That's just mean!... and judgement without knowing is just plain cruel and sad!

Understand.
Or at least keep in mind that not everyday is a good day for everybody. Not everybody ya!

For some people day to day activities and everything that comes along with it is a constant struggle...

Respect them!
Put yourself in their shoes.
Maybe it's not a perfect beautiful life for them...

Life shapes you in more ways you can imagine.
Those invisible hands of faith, coincidences, circumstances, chances, changes and everything in between have given their mark in the lives they touch.

So has mine.

Now I know better not to judge.
People see what they want to see.
Sometimes they understand and able to comply...
Others...?? Not so much!

Thus, ignorance came.
It hurts and just plain sad to have ignored for just being who you are, show your other side..
I know.
I've been there...

Try and try...understand.
Try to be in my shoes.

I may not show the 'me', real me with all those sides of feelings, emotions and personality that I have yet, but just know and understand that I do have a bad day sometimes...

My life is far beyond perfect!
Nonetheless beautiful.... But it's mine!
With every ups and downs that happen, life lessons learned, stumbles and obstacles I've been through and yet to come.....

I'm glad.
Cos they're all mine and they shaped me the person i am now.

And I don't mind.

Judge me!
Understand me!
Have it what you want....

There's gonna be a silver lining or a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow.

I'm still waiting.

Belajar berintrospeksi diri.
Hanya itu.
Menempatkan diri Dan membawa diri.
Biar orang menilai.
Biar orang bicara.

Sekali lagi, ini Semata-mata pandangan saya dalam hal.
Stuff in my head.
I don't preach...

Melihat satu hal yang selalu saya pikir itu...

Masih banyak selebihnya...
Tapi yang saya punya hanya sekurang-kurangnya saja.

Understanding. Without judgment.

You don't alway get what you want, compromise!

Have it your way to see it!
But if you truly care for that person, you'll wait and just be patience until they're ready to reveal those sides and drop the masquerade...

Just remember:

Talking can change your feeling,
But action can actually change your whole world.

nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

Soundtracking this....try

All I know
Is everything is not as it's sold
But the more I grow the less I know
And I have lived so many lives
Though I'm not old
And the more I see, the less I grow
The fewer the seeds the more I sow

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try, try

I wish I hadn't seen all of the realness
And all the real people are really not real at all
The more I learn the more I learn
The more I cry the more I cry
As I say goodbye to the way of life
I thought I had designed for me

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
I'm all I'll ever be
But all I can do is try
Oh, try, try

All of the moments that already passed
We'll try to go back and make them last
All of the things we want each other to be
We never will be, we never will be
And that's wonderful, and that's life
And that's you, baby
This is me, baby
And we are, we are, we are, we are
We are, we are
Free
In our love
We are free in our love


*courtesy of Nelly Furtado. Truly amazing lyrics!

nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.

Being a public enemy....

Ok! Sebelum apa2, jika anda tidak suka apa yang akan saya sampaikan..... Simply look away!
I'll be all fucking blown up in anger like you never seen if this, now what I'm about to write will be count as "office" or "work" related!!!!!

What ever happen dengan kebebasan mengeluarkan pendapat di muka publik? Penghargaan privasi seseorang? Dan pembeda antara fungsi seseorang sebagai pribadi sosial Dan pribadi individu atau personal????!!!!

I have a life, hell to the o!!!! In case you didn't notice...

Mengecewakan dimana satu2nya atau outlet atau channel yang kamu kira aman untuk nyampah, or just simply say what's in your mind without any prejudice now is also not safe...

For me? It's a violation of my privacy and personal life.
Things that I would like to keep it to myself. As my own... Just because of one individual's perception of me.....I have to spill!!!

It's truly a mad world...

Is there no more decency??

What ever happen to being a gentlemen and say something upfront???

Gone, I guess... Down in flame...

I probably defending myself... But isn't a reflection should be done both ways??

Im a person of strong value and principle that I'm very much proud of.
I can change... If you worthy to enough for it!

At the moment though.... You're not.
I think I'll keep being me.
You never know me at all...
....and please, don't bother now.


*footnote: tidak saya dedikasikan rangkaian kata2 ini kepada pihak manapun!
I need no approval for being myself and speak my mind.
Hanya untaian kata yang saya ingin "kirim" keluar....dead air.
nope! scratch that... billie brown was here.